Why do I miss him!

[Halliandrosie]

Hi guys, I just need some real home truths and please just be kind. I know a lot of it is my own fault so I have been with my husband 18 years. He and I have recently broke up for the last seven years. It hasn’t been great. He has emotionally abused me. He has cheated on me. I forgave him. He showed no remorse just recently he told me he doesn’t wanna be with me and he thinks we are not the same. We have two teenage twins and a seven-year-old. I know I loved him deeply and I forgive him for the way he treated me However I said to him not to come back, he hasn’t returned this time I feel like I am in so much pain. When will I get over? This? Will I ever get over this? And I guess he never truly loved me. He hasn’t contacted me.

why can’t I see my worth. I know I’m a good kind person. Feels like I’m being punished for something I didn’t deserve. He is all I know. I keep wondering why I wasn’t enough for him. We built such a beautiful life together. I was there when he had nothing. Now he has 3 beautiful children beautiful home.

The pain is grief for what you thought you had and the loss of the future you planned. It’s normal to go through this and it will pass.

It feels like rejection he didn’t fight for me or us. I still wish him the best.

I have been with him 20 years he was suppose to be my forever after.

I understand. That’s why it is so painful at this time. You probably won’t always wish him well. It’s also normal to start to feel angry!

I just want to keep a healthy relationship for the kids. I don’t know how I will cope financially. I work and I will claim benefits but just doesn’t seem enough after paying all bills

Sorry you're going through this but think of it this way; staying in an abusive relationship (with infidelity) is not the right environment for your kids to grow up in. So it's positive that it has ended. Won't stop you feeling pain though, I hope you feel better about it soon.

You feel like you are being punished because he is not the man you wanted to believe he is.

He should have been someone invested in your relationship who values you and your kids. He should have appreciated the life he had..

But you have said he is emotionally abusive and a cheater - both acts of a selfish person who puts other people second (including their children). Not contacting you (or his kids I am guessing) is punishing you for standing up to his behaviour.

I hope things get easier for you. He might make things tricky when he doesn't get what he wants if you pursue a divorce (which will help you find your justified anger at his behaviour) but that is to be expected if you stand up to abusive men. Best of luck.

I'm not sure why you think any of this is your own fault.

He cheated on you, emotionally abused you - all him. You might want to look up trauma-bonding to try to understand if that's what you're feeling.

I think in the long run, him going will be a good thing for you. Obviously it hurts a lot and you feel awful, but it will get better. There's better out there for you.

As for the money side, is he paying child maintenance yet? If not, he needs to be. Go through the CMS if he won't do it voluntarily.

It's common to see your life through rose tinted glasses and that's exactly what you're doing here.

When did you become so unimportant? You're pining for an abusive cheat, wondering why you're not good enough.

He probably will come back as you no doubt run around after him and give him a very nice life. He's probably on dating sites sowing his oats. He'll come back when he has some dirty laundry.

The CABx has a good website should you choose something better for yourself.

Thank you all. Feels good reading your responses. I am important, I know I am good kind person who leads life with kindness. It just hurts because after all of what he does and is like im still so good to him. If I did someone wrong and they treated me good still, I would appreciate them 10x more. I need to learn to love myself which is something I have never done all my life, heal and I haven’t asked him for money, I’m too proud at the same time. Do you think I should when I’m ready? I don’t want him to think all I want is money. I don’t. He earns my wage is around 2 weeks. Also he has some direct debits in his name, how do I bring all this up? I haven’t spoken to him 3 days and I don’t want to either. I am so weak.

You have kids together. He has a financial responsibility towards them.

It's not about you being after money - it's about his obligation to his children. They need to be housed and fed and clothed and educated and he needs to pay towards that.

Any decent father would be sorting out child support without prompting.

If I did someone wrong and they treated me good still, I would appreciate them 10x more
That's not how it works psychologically in a lot of cases. Basically he's the hero of his own narrative, so in his mind, if he treats you badly, it's not because he's a cheating bastard, it's because you deserve it.

If you go fawning round someone who hurts you, it doesn't make them sorry, it often repulses them.

Fake you're the strong woman you'd admire, until you believe it yourself. :)

Awww I love this. I’m not going to allow myself fawn around him. I’m going to be strong. If he text me for something I reply but it’s been 0 contact and I’m so proud of myself. Today he messaged for somethings I left him waiting couple of hours before replying. I know me and him won’t ever be on the same page ever again and my life without him has to move on. We said we will tell the kids together about properly separating today but he’s not mentioned nothing at all. I will continue to be strong for my kids, especially daughter and be an example that you don’t stay with a man like this. He did message me a few days ago saying I deserve better and he hopes I can forgive him for not being the best to me. I did not reply.

Awful init. I split with my husband 3 years ago I got over it by having a new relationship to quickly tbh I hated my husband but felt lost even though I hated him. But having someone help with taking the washing out of thr washer and put it on the line or dryer and sorting the bins and Xmas Dec's I really really struggled adapting. I ended up jn my current relationship been together 2.5 years. He is everything I wouldn't even want but I just wanted him ive taught him to drive paid for all his lessons put him through courses after searching for hours etc. Let him stay here rent free. Not work. Sorted pip out for him sorted his adhd meds etx etx. He got me when I was vulnerable and I needed self care but I have it to him instead when he had a job on top of my own job taking him there and back as he refused the bus. Honestly I've been through so much and I've had enough now and I'm really struggling distancing I've got him a flat so we don't live together now though thank God. Told him it's over but I'm craving him I really am and I'm so sad. I think I'm trauma bonded as he has a vile temper. Anyways that's enough about me. But please don't rush into another relationship take my mistake as a good example for self care

In the most nicest way possible I can’t think of anything worse than another relationship. I been with him 20years I never been with anyone else. He was my first boyfriend and husband. How they can just cut us off is beyond me.