How long have you been single mum, how are you finding it?

[singlemumof2]

I'm a single mum to my 2 children 3 years now. They were 3&4 when my exh of 20 yrs left.
The whole breakup destroyed me, it was brutal what its done to my mental health and my self esteem and confidence. 3 years on I'm still going through the motions of it.
We co parent very well despite the reason for the breakup, very amicable to each other etc.
I'm still finding being a single mum very draining at times, absolutely everything is on me with the kids, homework, meals, kids activities, running a home and also doing DIY and maintaing round the home (all the men jobs).
When the kids go to their dads I don't really bother to socialise because I tend to prefer having the quiet time to myself wether it's to grieve and process things that this is my life now OR I'll binge watch netflix and do the housework etc.

Friends keeping telling me I'm strange for not wanting to really socialise while I'm childfree and also feel by now at 3 yrs down the line I should be trying to date again. They talked me into OLD and I found it horrific if I'm honest and had zero appeal to Any of the men, I just seen red flags everywhere. In fact it actually made me scared and made me want my familiar ex to come back. I'm not sure if that means I'm still not ready to date because I'm still recovering but I'm starting to think are my friends right about me being weird not socialising. The last 2 years have been hard on me with the breakup, managing single motherhood, my mental health declining and then I had a serious illness on top.

I just feel as a single mum I'm doing the right thing by what I need when I get time to myself. But the vibe I get from others is I should be doing something for me when the kids are away and it's making me feel a bit like I'm a bit strange. Am I alone here in doing this???? Or are my friends correct that I should be pushing myself to socialise etc... Thing is I've very little money to do anything as well, I'm a stay at home mum due to the illness I'm recovering from on top of the breakdown I took after my ex h left. On times I have pushed myself to go out I'm a ball of anxiety and I hate coming home to an empty home. I'd rather just treat myself to a take away and watch something on TV or do my chores around the house or DIY that I can't do when my young kids are here. I cant really be arsed drinking and mingling and trying to put myself out there to other men, the thoughts of another man in my life repulse me with fear. Is there something wrong with me or is this completely normal???

Been a single mum 8 years I know we are not suppose to say it but I hate it. I don't get any free time though but if I did perhaps I would find it more enjoyable. If I got free time I would use the time to date etc I agree with your friends that I would take advantage of the free time a bit more but it's up to you

Thanks @PepsiPepsiPepsi I do understand their point, but is it the right thing for me to do when it kinda seems like I'm still not mentally ready for another man. Its not just that I'm still healing from my ex, I also have massive body hang ups from having kids, being 39, I had big surgery last yr as well which I'm conscious about. I just think another man would recoil from me and I think its the knock backs I'd get or ghosting etc could be really bad for me if I'm already a bit fragile. I understand I'm 3 yrs in, but my friends seem to look past the big upheaval I've went through in 3 yrs

Hi OP, I feel exactly the same as you and often worry that I’m ‘weird’ or not moving on fast enough.
Separated from ExH 4 years ago now and have been single ever since - the thought of another relationship seems way off. My children are in their teenage years so I do have a bit of flexibility to do stuff, but like you I prefer mulling round the house and getting my shit together.
There’s been a lot of trauma during my separation, family illness and coming to terms that I’ve been married to a serial cheat and abusive liar, takes some work to move past.
Im just doing what makes me happy, simple pleasures and making sure my kids are ok - I do compare myself with women who jump straight into another relationship and move a new bloke in their house - but I think they are the weird ones!

2.5 years here.
I kind of love being a single parent - I like being alone and making all the decisions. I just can't stand the weekday evenings! Trapped indoors from 7pm until morning. Hopefully it will be better once the weather is better and evenings are lighter.

I have every other weekend to myself and by that point I'm desperate to socialise and be outside of the house. I've dated a few people since my partner left and would love someone to spend the free weekends and evenings with, but it's hard to find someone who is ok with my arrangement and doesn't have their own stuff going on to fit in with you too.

Sounds like you are just not ready to date and that's fine, it's great to enjoy your alone time without needing anyone else :)

I've been single since DS was born and he's 5 now. In the last 5 years I've had 1 relationship which showed me that as much as I miss love/being in a relationship, I have ridiculously high standards/expectations for being in a relationship whilst DS is young and honestly I don't think it's going to happen so I've stopped trying!

More just socialising I think not actual dating if you are not ready for that yet

I’m 3.5 years post-separation and I have no desire to have another relationship. I am still wading through the aftermath of an abusive relationship, current court proceedings and navigating life with a SEN child in burnout who Dad doesn’t currently see. I wouldn’t have time if I wanted to have a new relationship!

However, prior to the past 6 months- when I did have more time to myself as a single mum, I tried to mix chill and sorting time with seeing friends and going away, which worked brilliantly.

Ignore what anyone else says, only you will know when you are ready for a new relationship and what you need day to day in terms of what you do with your child-free time. It is knackering being a single parent, so do what makes you feel good. Stuff what your friends think! Xx

I think they are the weird ones as well. I also don't want to miss my ex as it took me a long time to feel ok without him but sometimes when I do go on a date and there is no connection it makes me look back on things with rose tinted spectacles and I don't want to feel that yearning for something bad for me again.

This sounds so so familiar OP. My ds is 11 and although my break up is more recent than yours (only a year and we still live together due to finances while we are sorting the house situation out) I honestly just feel like curling up in bed if I ever get the opportunity for alone time. The thought of meeting another man just doesn't even comprehend as possible for me but yet I feel so lonely and would hate to spend the rest of my life alone. I wish I knew the answer but u don't. I hear you ❤

honestly just feel like curling up in bed if I ever get the opportunity for alone time. The thought of meeting another man just doesn't even comprehend as possible for me but yet I feel so lonely and would hate to spend the rest of my life alone. I wish I knew the answer but u don't. I hear you ❤

@Cudz you just answered that exactly like how I feel... When I get alone time I just want to curl into a ball and deal with my shit whatever way I feel the need to. Everyday I feel like I'm in survival mode for the kids and when I was sick I went into survival mode for the kids. So when I get time that i can think or just curl up or if i need to wail I can do that without the kids seeing me in the pits of despair... If I'm not doing that I'm trying to turn our family home into a new family home as I'm reminded by so many memories here, so I thought maybe if I redecorate ill feel different in the house. So that's what most of my time is spent doing. I do make time for friends I'll do cinema trips, meals etc the odd time but I think they seem to think on every single weekend i don't have the children that I should be out mingling in pubs or going to single events etc... I cant think of anything worse tbh..... I just want to heal and figure out what I want after spending my teenage yrs to late 30s with one man who I put my whole world into.

I also can't figure out how they reckon I'll manage a relationship. They hear from me around school hours or when the kids are in bed, anything in between is radio silence for me. It does get lonely, part of me would love to have the company like I used to have with my ex but I can't imagine doing it with someone new, it's terrifying me starting over again.
If anything I thought my friends would praise me for becoming such an indepent woman and not encourage me towards dating

OP, I've been a single mum for 14 years, although ex did almost nothing with DS prior to that. He turned weird the day ds was born, and the belittling, bullying and abuse started while we were still in the maternity unit. So bad, one of the midwives asked me if I 'needed any support'.

I tried for two years, to persuade ex to behave normally but in the end, I took a job in my old industry, rented a one bed flat, found a childminder and left. He threatened and raged for a few years, tried to starve us back and failed. It was a massive relief to leave. Nothing for me to mourn. He still simmers with fury but I ignore him.

I have loved being a single mum. I provide my ds with a warm, happy, sane home. Make every decision quickly and calmly, without weeks of nasty negotiation. Welcome his friends. DS & I get on well. I earn well and have no worries. Have bought a house. Ex is irrelevant - he made himself irrelevant.

OP, you do whatever suits you on your days off. I run or garden or swim alone. Cook food that I like but ds doesn't. Sometimes see friends but only if I feel like it.

I've been a single mum for 5 years now (my two are 14 and 10 now). Generally, I love it. My exH had several affairs so although I wasn't ready to be a single mum, having left, i now realise how much being with him impacted me and my parenting. The children are so much happier. I'm fact my eldest, who was utterly devastated when we told him about the split, said within weeks of his dad moving out, that it was actually nicer without him as life was calmer and quieter (his dad is controlling and has a temper). I love parenting how I want, seeing their successes and their growth and knowing a lot of that is from me and I love our time together. What I don't like is all the pressure being on me. When things aren't going right, I struggle cope being the only one responsible and having noone to share the burden. I also struggle having to work so much and the pressure from my job, but I have to so I can support them.
I get one night a week and EOW without the kids but I'm exhausted from juggling life so tend to rest up and do chores!

Hi there, I have no desire for a relationship or dating - people assume that you somehow need or want a man to make you complete. It's just not true. Like you, I spend my free time at home, pottering about the house watching something good, catching up on sleep. There is no 'right' way to do this, and there is certainly no shame in not dating and being a home bird.

@singlemumof2 I can totally relate. I work full time but work from home and now my ds is 11 i don't need to drop him in the playground daily so my social interactions are very limited. I think you're right in saying that you're in survival mode and that feels true to me too. I want people and interactions but at the same time I just want to be alone. Breakups are so so traumatic and I guess we are still just processing everything we've been through/are going through xx

I forgot to say that I do have a partner now although I certainly wasn't looking for one! Our time together is limited but he makes me very happy 😊

Single mum(widowed) for 13 years. No time off for about 10 years. But people are right that you should do something for YOU with your little bit of free time.
For me, I could think of nothing worse than dating. I don't really want to socialise in the evenings either. So I didn't/ don't/ wont....
I like to see friends for coffee or lunch in the daytime, I like to go for a swim, but most of all I love to be alone in my house without anyone making any demands on me. I like to buy myself something easy and healthy to eat, watch tv, read, check my socials,have a hot bath etc etc and just be alone in the place where I feel most relaxed and comfortable, - for me, that's my own home.
Don' t feel any pressure to do what other people think they would like to do. Do what recharges your batteries.

I do all these things too, I meet with friends for morning coffees or walks etc or if they arrange any wee outdoor plans or shopping I'm up for things like that.... But I think its the idea they have that on weekend nights I shouldn't be sitting at home sulking or depressed as they put it. Whereas I'd say no im just feeling the emotions I need to feel rather than trying to supress them by making sure I'm busy at all times.
2 of them are single mums themselves but there kids are much older than mine. Mine are both still under 10... They were also in the relationship for a short time, they don't have the same thing of knowing you've been with one person you're entire life so far. I'm trying to navigate things outside of the bubble I was in with my ex as we mainly just spent our time together (which I obvs now see wasn't healthy) as I'm trying to learn how to socialise with others again outside of the relationship.
I dont think they realise I really am completely restarting a life I've never known of being alone and its really daunting and scary and I'm taking baby steps. I need to do it in baby steps for my sanity otherwise I go into head spins when I've too much going on.

I've tried explaining this to them but they look at me like I've two heads. The way in which my relationship broke down and the events that unfolded weeks after that turned my world upside down. I was having to manage that, fight for health, be a mum alone and we all know how full on it Is with kids under the age of 10 plus try and start making friendships again and socialise to keep friends while battling your worst nightmare come true. I don't think they really see the effect it had on me losing everything I've known and had become used to. There would've been an element of control in my relationship as well and ex managed to swing the blame of the breakdown onto me and I unfortunately swallowed all that. So I'm trying my best to just get by right now and find peace within myself than going out drinking and having nights out

Single mum almost 7 years. My daughter barely sees her dad now, her choice so between her and appts (she has epilepsy) and full time work I've very little time. I have a partner who doesn't live with me...our time together tends to be the thing that has to get shelved. I get what you mean, what small scraps of free time I have I tend to crawl into bed and watch crime dramas. That said, when I had more I went out and socialised. I just don't have anything left any more. Do you really care whether your friends think it's weird? Are you happier like this or do you think pushing yourself a bit might also push you out of stasis?

@supercali77 thanks for the comment. I suppose I actually thought how I was managing my new life was OK, I've been happy enough with the way I'm doing things.
I didnt question it at all, until a few friends made a few comments or they complain if I turn down a social night out, I suppose because I decline nights out quite a bit, they just think it's bizzare I'm not up to doing something like that more often when I've free time to let my hair down. And I suppose they think I'm shutting myself away at home. But if me and my ex hadn't broke up and I still had my family 24/7 these are things I'd have been doing at home anyway as a mum and I was happy, because I when I am out it's 20 yr olds everywhere. All much younger people. I wouldn't say I'm old lol I'm definitely young at heart anyway, but I do find I feel old on a night out

I think it’s completely up to you. 2 and a half years here. I used to spend my time alone but realised I’d hardly spoken to anyone except the dog! I would organise to see a friend on my weekend off plus do housework etc. I started dating after about a year on and off. Last year I met someone and I’m happy. I do enjoy being a single parent but miss the family time and days out plus the conversations about the kids. But my life is so much more hassle free compared to what it was. I wouldn’t go back that’s for sure.