Calling police on abusive ex husband - can you walk me through it?

[understatedlycrap]

I finally left H at Christmas after a decade of abuse. I moved into my own place with the DC. Over our marriage there was a mixture of physical, emotional and financial abuse. Physical went as far as slapping me (once) throwing water on me (a few times) throwing furniture, not allowing me to leave (a lot) (guarding door, lying on top of me in bed,) emotional was ongoing and all the time: constant yelling and explosions, criticism and personal breakdowns, fights, road rage and dangerous situations which the DC and I were blamed for. Not allowing me access to my own money, controlling money, draining me of money (that I earnt) controlling my inheritance.

DC and I are much happier and at peace in our new place. I wrote a schedule with H when I left about when he can see the DC in my home, which he does not stick to.

while H is mostly at a distance now due to the house move and that he doesn’t really want to look after the DC at all so does not affect them much, he has been sending me abusive rants over WhatsApp. Now that I have some distance from him, I find the re-entry of his energy via these abusive messages extremely hard to stomach. I can read one and it can ruin my day. They are a mixture of personally abusive (how I am a “cunt/whore/bitch/scum”) and then complete made up lies (how I don’t love the kids and just using them as pawns) and then other made up stuff about my family and friends.

I know it sounds weird that these affect me more than the decade of abuse in person but it’s having the peace and then having it affected again which has disturbed me.

I am thinking of contacting the police about him but have a few questions to those of you who know about this or have done it before.

• do I call the non emergency line or the emergency line or do I fill out a form online?
• if I disclose the whole history what will they do? Can I just say that he is harassing me via WhatsApp and is what he is saying enough to justify harassment?
• Will they go to his house and say everything I have reported?

i’m sure I have a few more questions but I can’t think of them now.

I think my point is that the worst behaviour has mostly stopped which is why I am wondering if I can just stop the WhatsApp harassment

"DC and I are much happier and at peace in our new place. I wrote a schedule with H when I left about when he can see the DC in my home, which he does not stick to".

You have always co-operated, the abuser never co-operates.

He is still abusing you and he was the exact same during your marriage. He should not be seeing his children in your home under any circumstances. If he is that bothered about seeing them then he can see them in a contact centre. No informal arrangement was ever going to be successful because of his non co-operation.

How old are they; if they are say teenagers their views will be taken into account. Do they want to see their dad?. How do they feel about him?.

I would also report him to the police re the abusive messages; he is committing a crime in doing that and the police should take such harassment seriously.

Collect all the messages and take them to the police. I wouldn't block him as messages are evidence and he could warn you of what he's going to do.

However, I would seek advice from your local domestic abuse organisation, secure your home and keep a diary of his behaviour.

Don't let him in and I would withold the children from him. He can go to court for access. If he turns up, contact the police and get a video doorbell. Don't take calls from him, let the evidence build up. Inform the school.

We construct a hierarchy of domestic violence which always puts physical violence at the top, as being the worst. And then we can say that someone who is out of the clutches of their abuser is much better off, so is safe.

The open all hours nature of phone communication is like food to an abuser, however. They have no limits and they don’t observe yours.

Don’t feel you have to justify your feelings over this type of control. It is coercive and it is just another type of horror show that allows him to pull the strings on your feelings and sense of safety, like a puppeteer.

Please write down a little statement of the worst things he is doing now - to straighten it all out in your head and help you recognise where the lines would be if he was not abusive - and look at the webpages for a few DV organisations to see how they describe this kind of partner abuse, before you speak to the police.

I would save/screenshot all the messages, report to the police and then block him in WhatsApp and tell him you will only communicate through a co-parenting app like Our Family Wizard or AppClose. Then check that once a day or every few days. All messages are date and time stamped and easily admissible in court.

I blocked my ex on WhatsApp as I was finding his messages very intrusive and they weren’t calling me names.

What a dreadful situation - I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Have you contacted Women's Aid for advice? I'm sure they'll be able to help you.

Thank you all, these replies were really helpful. When I go to the police how do I go to them? What number do I call?

you can ring 101 and they will take as many details as possible over the phone. they will not do anything until they have taken a statement from you and gathered any and all evidence.

don't be surprised if they want to speak to you as soon as possible, but also be prepared for a few days wait for an appointment.

if you want, have a supportive friend or relative with you through the whole process.

on the whole, they will only deal with what you ask them to deal with, but, and there is always a but, if there is enough evidence for them to arrest and prosecute him without your approval, they can still do this.

keep everything, every message, email, photo, everything and let them decide whats best.

the police in this situation do no help with childcare arrangements, thats for the courts to sort out, and they don't help sort out what belongs to whom, again thats for the courts. but they will offer all the help they can to keep you and your children safe.

also bear in mind, you might get a referral to social services and also IDAS, this is a normal procedure and i would accept any help thats offered too you, these people really are there to help.

I'm not an expert but I have experienced a lot of the abuse you describe. As well as contacting the police, please consider applying for a non molestation order against him. Women's Aid should be able to support you through this process. You deserve to live in peace.

Contact 101 and tell them that your husband is harassing you and was very abusive during your relationship. That he is continuing to abuse you and you have a lot of abusive messages from him. That you don't feel safe as you've been advised that you're most vulnerable after leaving.

Going forward, it might be helpful to use an App, like TalkingParents, for your communication with him. There is another called My Family Wizard. They have been created, in part, for use with abusive exs when 'no contact' isn't possible due to co-parenting.

You may find the boundary of not having his communication 'contaminate' your standard communication channel helpful. Based on your description of him, it sounds like he may not be agreeable to this. In the USA, it's often a court ordered feature of divorce or parenting time orders. I think it's a shame the UK doesn't follow suit.

As others have said, I strongly recommend that you don't allow him in to your home.