Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Please give me advice

10 replies

Weimlove · 21/02/2025 09:46

I have split from my partner 6 months ago and at the time he was distraught at me leaving and I was also upset as I do still love him but the relationship wasn't working for me. We agreed to have some space and try dating each other again to see if we could work on being nicer to one another. It has been much better but I now wonder if I have just made things worse for myself.
There has been one incident where I felt intimidated as I accidentally broke something in the house. I was crying while he continued to berate me for an hour, this is during the period where he is trying to be better. We said we would do small valentine's gifts so make each other feel appreciated. He didn't get me anything and said he was too busy with work and sorting the house by himself. I feel worried that he is going to use this break against me as he has said that I have blown up all the trust and I need to rebuild it. He also keeps making digs about having no money because he is paying all the bills, no time because he is running the house etc.
Logical part of my brain is shouting at me not to but the people pleasing part feels I need to go back. I also clearly am attached to him and can't seem to let go. I keep telling myself things will be different when I go back but I'm afraid they won't be. I'm just looking for advice on how to not feel pressured into going back before I am ready and if his comment on rebuilding trust thing is a fair reaction?

OP posts:

TwistedWonder · 21/02/2025 09:54

Listen to the logical part of your brain and your gut because things won’t change, it won’t be different this time.

You're supposed to be trying again and all he wants to do is punish you and make you beg for crumbs.

Walk away. You’re just wasting your life tying yourself in knots trying to make the unworkable work.

Thisistyresome · 21/02/2025 09:56

Given you are out, I'm not sure why you would consider getting back in?

Original poster

Weimlove · 21/02/2025 10:02

Thisistyresome · 21/02/2025 09:56

Given you are out, I'm not sure why you would consider getting back in?

I don't know, I feel physically out of the situation but mentally I feel stuck in the same place and that he still has the same hold over me

OP posts:

Thisistyresome · 21/02/2025 10:45

Weimlove · 21/02/2025 10:02

I don't know, I feel physically out of the situation but mentally I feel stuck in the same place and that he still has the same hold over me

Show quote history

That sounds like you need to cut him off and try and get on with life. You sound venerable to getting into a very bad place.

LoveSandbanks · 21/02/2025 10:53

He berated you for an hour for breaking something??? I cannot imagine a circumstance where this would be appropriate.

Valentines day comes round once a year, every year. Being busy doesn’t cut it. He just didn’t think you were worth the time, sorry.

Original poster

Weimlove · 21/02/2025 11:14

LoveSandbanks · 21/02/2025 10:53

He berated you for an hour for breaking something??? I cannot imagine a circumstance where this would be appropriate.

Valentines day comes round once a year, every year. Being busy doesn’t cut it. He just didn’t think you were worth the time, sorry.

Yes it was an accident but he went on for ages about me not taking care of things when actually I'm just a bit clumsy and I try to really be mindful of what I am doing. And yes we had a conversation the week before where I said it would be nice to do valentine's for a change to feel appreciated and then he wondered why I was upset when he didn't bother. I don't know why I'm giving this so much energy as he has just kept confirming the reasons I left

OP posts:

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 21/02/2025 11:22

He showed you who he was the first time around.
Now he’s driving the point home.
None of what he is doing is fair.
None of what he is saying is fair.
He is abusing you. Sorry that’s blunt but if you were my daughter I would say the same.
You left for good reasons - and because your gut instinct told you to. Now he’s laying on the guilt and the anger. You haven’t done anything to make up for and you don’t have to try to be nice.
If you go back it will get worse. He will then be in a position of power over you, he will rack up your wrongdoings until you feel so ground down you won’t leave again.
Please don’t go back. You have been mentally drained to the point where you think you have done something wrong.
You deserve better. The only way - and it is really hard - is to leave completely. A complete break, no contact, with no reaction to contact from him.

outerspacepotato · 21/02/2025 12:40

What work has he done to change? Therapy? Anger management?

Nothing has changed. He just hid that for a bit.

Original poster

Weimlove · 21/02/2025 13:22

outerspacepotato · 21/02/2025 12:40

What work has he done to change? Therapy? Anger management?

Nothing has changed. He just hid that for a bit.

No he hasn't been to therapy etc. so I don't know what has changed other than him trying to be a bit nicer

OP posts:

TwistedWonder · 21/02/2025 13:26

Weimlove · 21/02/2025 13:22

No he hasn't been to therapy etc. so I don't know what has changed other than him trying to be a bit nicer

Show quote history

So what part of berating you while you’re in tears, not getting you anything for valentines and having constant digs at you counts as trying to be a bit nicer?

Flip