Im so confused...

[Frustratedbunny]

Just looking for some advice/opinions please. Something more than just LTB would be hugely appreciated as I'm really tussling with my situation and this is my real life and my future.
Married to DH for 10 years, grown up separate children and we're just approaching the time where we're considering early retirement. Life is fun, we enjoy a good life, we work hard and have lots of hopes and dreams for our autumn years.
However, there has been a few incidents over the years of naughtiness on his part...online interactive sexual activity, contact with an old female 'friend', commenting on naked profile pictures...its been a challenge. The last time he was told that any more and we were done...and guess what, I've discovered something else. He hasn't cheated as far as I know in real life (I'm not naive enough to defend him 100% but I don't have evidence of that and I seem to find out about everything else!). The thing is, he's now accessing porn/sex addiction counselling and I'm really confused about giving up my otherwise lovely husband, my security, home and future for these occasional shitstorms. I know I should but... anyone been in a similar position or got anything helpful for me? Any positive sories about therapy? Thank you 😊

It’s not occasional shit storms though is it, he’s continually doing it.
Don’t leave it so long that you get too old to end it.

I wouldn't describe accessing online interactive sectual activity and contacting other women as " naughtiness". I'd describe it as cheating. You sound as though you've treated him like a naughty little boy and actually expected him to change.
And if he is getting treatment for porn and sex addiction it sounds as though there was a lot going on either you don't know about or you aren't revealing here.
I'm sorry but I wouldn't describe a man who behaved like your H a " lovely " husband or partner .
Perhaps he might change with therapy but I doubt it.

Rather thank ltb, kho kick him out. He's not going to get any better.

It's interesting you use the word "naughtiness" instead of betrayal which it is. Why are you trying to downplay the significance of his actions, they have clearly hurt you?

I think as we enter into our later years we need to make what could be considered selfish decisions about our future. If you had the means to set up again and live the life you want I'd say leave (which I know isn't what you want to hear but I've walked this path before you).

If you don't have independent means and your life will be severely impacted by going it alone in your later years I think you need to accept this is your lot and the bargain you make to keep your lifestyle.

Many, many older women turn a blind eye to their husbands indiscretions because they feel on balance the price is worth paying. They've invested in a life that they're not prepared to give up easily.

There is no right or wrong, but what I will say is that I don't think people fundamentally change, particularly around sexual desires, it's ingrained. Therapy or no therapy, he is who he is and you accept that or you don't.

You're never too old to end anything. Stupid comment.

However, it's time to dump this creep. Because he is a creep.

You gave the ultimatum last time, any more and you’d be done. Well he’s done it again. Is your word so worthless you won’t stick to it?

You’re minimising his behaviour.
You say “ naughty”
By most people’s books it’s cheating. If not physical, then emotional.

And he won’t change. If you stay with him you will constantly be wondering what he’s up to. This amounts to a lack of trust which destroys relationships.

If you leave now then you have time to get yourself back on your feet before retirement.

It doesn’t sound like he values your dreams for the future as much as you do. Because he’s willing to lose it for cheap thrills. Contact with his “friend” suggests that he is what is known as “affair ready”, meaning he is actively looking for an affair. Eventually he will get lucky.

I personally would not put my future in his hands and I would now separate. The counselling is neither here nor there.

The last time he was told that any more and we were done...and guess what, I've discovered something else

So..you are done? Otherwise your words mean nothing.

You can stay with the wanking idiot of a man just so you don't have to bother with buying him out of the house, but no point in issuing pretend ultimatums.

I do believe in sex addiction but I don't believe he's sex addicted, I think he's accessed therapy to keep you quiet.

You shouldn't give ultimatums that you're not prepared to keep.

You have a few options here. You can accept his infidelity; someone having online sex is being unfaithful. He'll continue to access porn and pay for sex online. He may escalate, if he hasn't already. If you continue a sexual relationship, then get regular STD tests.

You can stay and have a friendship arrangement where you remain companions and maintain your lifestyle and he continues to see others on the side.

This way you remain married, have company and aren't driven half mad checking up on him and wondering what he's up to.

I assume the pp means too old to build a new life friends location possibly moving house etc. That’s so much easier in your 50s/60s than later.

Agree with PP’s that you’re minimising the ongoing cheating and lying by this sleazy creep by calling it ‘naughty’ as if he’s a mischievous child rather than a grown man.

He knows he can continue to behave in this appalling way showing you zero respect because despite you saying ‘no more’ there’s no consequences to him continuing to lie and cheat.

Really there’s 2 options - either accept he’s a lying cheating sleaze bag and continue to turn a blind eye or tell him that it’s over and mean it.

Depends what you value more, your self respect or your home

This 100% - don’t give ultimatums without following up on them.

Stay with him if you want but under the condition that you are free to take a lover. Bet he won't like that will he.

Your lovely husband is anything but.

If the shoe was on the other foot he would not have called it naughtiness. Why not say what he has really done here ie cheating. It also shows how low you value your own self if you're minimising this from him and merely for a lifestyle you want to maintain. You do not need further evidence re him; this is not a court of law.

Ultimatums can only be issued once and repeated ones lose all their power. You should never have issued an ultimatum if you are not prepared to follow through on it. Better to be apart than to be as unhappy as you are now.

It’s not stupid, you can get financially stuck. And as you get older you don’t always have the mental or physical ability to make, what is, a huge change,

You gave him an ultimatum, did you mean it or not?

Naughty? Is he Frankie Howerd?
OP, your DH may be all kinds of lovely, and you are feeling secure and happy. However, you gave him an ultimatum last time, he gambled on you doing nothing if he did it again. He did it again, so you have to either kick him into touch or accept that he is a bit of a pervert, is disrespecting you, and generally being led by his penis. If you can live with the latter as a compromise to your coziness, then do it.

OP, stop minimising his behaviour. He is not 'lovely' or just 'naughty' he's a man who has lied and cheated on you throughout your relationship. Why would you sign up for more of the same? I doubt counselling will make a jot of difference, this is who he is and he's no doubt going through the motions just to appease you. Have some self respect, honour your ultimatum and part ways. Otherwise you will always be checking up on him and will have no peace.

OP, I'm in an open relationship, so none of the initial things would vaguely upset me - the initial examples just sound like human nature to me. But within a conventional relationship, and it sounds like to you, these are major betrayals. The new info about sex addiction is the most worrying. if his accessing counselling for sex addiction is sincere, then he has a real problem, you cannot trust anything he promises, and he has obviously been doing far more, and far more continuously than you are aware of. A man would never think of seeking counselling for the occasional things you described. If, on the other hand it's an attempt to manipulate, make him the victim and say 'he can't help it', then that is the shittiest of behaviour. So either way, it makes it impossible to work things out with him in good faith.

I think you need to end the dishonest shit. Either sever your sexual life from his - become companions, with shared life aspirations and no hold over each other sexually (this means you can have your own adventures!). Or end it completely. He has shown himself already not to be trustworthy within your current boundaries, and therefore also wouldn't be trustworthy within an open arrangement to stick to whatever boundaries you decided..... (by open relationship, I mean if you were continuing a romantic/sexual life together, while also loosening boundaries with others... this takes just as much trust, care and good communication as an conventional relationship).

Trying to rely on him to respect your boundaries will just be years of corrosive resentment and distrust, and periodic letdowns when you discover stuff. I'm sorry - not what you want to hear.

If he's accessing porn addiction counselling then it's not occasional use - it must be constant.

If you don't want to LTB then you need a serious talk about the future (and hope the counselling works).

So many men like this... it's so depressing.

Im definitely prepared to stick to my word, it just doesn't feel as straightforward as I thought it would! I'm reading all of your responses with interest and thank you for the honesty.

He's not claiming that he's sex addicted suddenly, he's talking to a counsellor who deals with sex/porn addiction as he felt she would most likely be able to help him talk through things the most openly and honestly. Even if it doesn't work well for our marriage I would hope that it helps him in some way. Edited to say I realise that sounds quite defensive of him...maybe I'm just an idiot but there's obviously a lot more to the story 🩷

How much do you know about his past before you and how his previous relationships ended?

You have been with him ten years but if you both have adult children and are considering early retirement you are presumably in your 50s so there are a fair few years preceding you.

I just wonder how new this situation is or whether it's something that caused issues in his past relationships too.