Upset at sister denigrating my achievements

[Tarquinthecat]

Sorry this is so long but don't want to drip feed and then have to answer questions.

My sister is 15 years older than me. Dad was a brute so sister married at 16 to get away from him. We did not grow up together but kept in contact via letters and occasional visits.

Our lives could not have been more different. She had kids in her teens and by her mid thirties was a free woman again with a divorce settlement that left her rich. She got into a top university as a mature student, dedicated her whole time to study, and graduated with First Class Honours. She then started a career as a uni lecturer.

I was raised in poverty and my dad was a violent alcoholic. Life was so chaotic that missed a lot of school. At age 16 I also left home, but I had no qualifications so my wages were so low that I could barely pay my rent and bills. In my 30s I joined the OU but working round-the-clock shifts was never able to attend lectures and also I was living with an abusive boyfriend who made my life insecure and caused me great anxiety. By some miracle after six years of hard graft I managed to graduate, but at the lowest grade of 2:2. I became deeply interested in history and ended up writing a biography of a famous woman. The book is published and available everywhere.

Somewhere along the line my sister and I fell out about some stupid thing that I cannot even remember and have not spoken for about 15 years. However, we live in the same county and her uni is the nearest one to me.

I have lately found out that when she socialises with her university colleagues she tells them that my book must be utter rubbish because I am not a "proper historian" and I don't have a "proper degree", and that I barely even went to school.

Learning this has been absolutely devastating to me. I mean, I know that we have fallen out but it's so hurtful to discover she is actively trying to denigrate my small achievement and smear me, to put her colleagues off reading my book.

I was wondering whether I should write her a letter or just leave it and do nothing.

You haven't talked to her in 15y. I wouldn't expect her to be saying great things about you and accept that this is part of that. If you contact her out of the blue about this, she'll know she's hit a nerve.

Graduating at all with your life background circumstances was a great achievement and writing a book more so! Your sister will just be coming off to others as bitter badmouthing her sister so I'd leave her to her bitterness.

Your book stands for itself. The colleagues can easily flick through it and find out if it's any good. Your academic background doesn't matter. You should, however, write another book and really annoy her!

First of all, having a book published is no small achievement! Well done! That amazing!

Second, it sounds like she’s jealous that despite her being the academic, you’ve become a published author and so her response to this is to tear it down.

I’d say that anyone who’s able to research and write a book that’s been published qualifies them as an expert in that area. Just because you don’t have a degree in that exact field doesn’t mean you can’t become expert in it. I know people who didn’t even go to uni and have become very rich and very successful in their chosen professions.

Your sister sounds like an insecure, academic snob. I wouldn’t even bother with her tbh. She’s you sister in name only. A real sister would be bigging you up to everyone and trying to get your book on the uni syllabus. Ignore her and don’t give her any reaction. She’s making herself look very bad all on her own. Enjoy your success. I hope you’re writing another book off the success of your first. Congratulations!

It will reflect badly on her, more than you. If someone at work said to me my sister’s written this book and it’s really crap, I’d think them a nasty type.

Do you think that if she receives that letter from you she will realise she was wrong and apologise and stop doing it? I'm afraid I don't.
She has been deliberately rude and unkind about you. People who behave like that don't suddenly reflect on their behaviour when called out. All that a letter will achieve is that she will know that you are aware of her remarks and that's more likely to please her than to make her feel sorry. It might even make her denigrate your achievements more frequently.

Anyone listening to her speak about you in those terms is likely to think less of her anyway. They will certainly be able to see that her remarks are rooted in a poor sibling relationship and not in unbiased academic criticism of your work. She's making herself look bad, not you.

I understand that it feels hurtful and embarrassing but don't feed the beast. Her mean-spirited bitching takes nothing from your achievements.

I don't think you should respond. Imagine being a third party listening to your sister bitching about the quality of your book when she's not had a book of her own published. It smacks of jealousy and bitterness; and doesn't reflect well on her. Give yourself a big pat on the back for getting your book published, that's a fantastic achievement.

Whilst I understand it’s deeply hurtful, I would just try and forget about it. She sounds very bitter about your amazing achievements. Congratulations on your book thats wonderful!

A very wise woman once said that nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

Forget what your sister is saying, or rather what others have reported to you she is saying. Nothing anyone can say can take away your achievements, but I'd maybe wonder why friends/acquaintances felt the need to tell you what your sister has, allegedly, said.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Agree with this.

You need to let it go.

It sounds like you both had a horrendous upbringing and chose to deal with it in very different ways. I do think it’s sad that you haven’t been able to support each other through it and instead seem to have turned on each other. It’s never too late to think about reconciling.

Academics are notoriously competitive and bitchy in general. (Only yesterday I saw an article where someone was trashing Hilary Mantel, pretty unnecessarily and of course, after she's died - what's wrong with people?!) I don't think it would put people off reading your book if they were genuinely interested. But congratulations - that's a real achievement to be proud of.

I'm not an academic, but quite a few of my friends are.

They would absolutely look down on someone who trashes a popular book for not being written by someone with an academic background. That's seen as sort of naked and cringey snobbishness these days.

Congratulations, what a brilliant achievement.

I’d let it go. But also, I wouldn’t 100% believe a rumour of what your sister allegedly said

You've not spoken in 15 years. She doesn't like you and you her. Just let it go.

I have lately found out that when she socialises with her university colleagues she tells them that my book must be utter rubbish because I am not a "proper historian" and I don't have a "proper degree", and that I barely even went to school

I’d take a good long look at whoever told you this.

Do they know you’re not in contact with your sister? What was their motive in telling you this? Do they know enough info about you that they could have made this up themselves? Are they always such a shitstirrer? Are you sure they’re not jealous of you and just wanted to make you feel like shit?

First of all congratulations on having your book published. The publishers could see your worth and that’s a massive achievement. You’ve done well and have risen like a phoenix from your horrible start in life. A great role model to others.

as regards to your sister’s obvious jealousy, well, you have to pity the bitterness that she is displaying. It speaks for itself to people who give her an ear. You don’t have to defend yourself at all.