My friend wants to see me - but I don't want to spend time with her partner

[TheBlueRobin]

Hi all - bit of a long one.

Been best friends with the same girl for 18 years. We're now both adults and have settled on other sides of the country about 4 hours from each other but regularly catch up over the phone and occasionally meet in person (our hometown is kind of in the middle).

She's had the same partner for the last 5 years or so, and due to covid and distance I never met him until we invited them both down for my partner's 30th. At that time my friend was 5 months pregnant. I knew very little about her partner but she had mentioned her Mum wasn't a fan but her Mum is also a very difficult person so I took that with a pinch of salt thinking there was some snobbery there (my friend went to uni, her partner didn't).

However having him come to stay was eye opening. He was rude, misogynistic, chauvinistic, talked over my partner, ignored me when I spoke in conversation, seemed ungrateful about the breakfast we did when if wasn't a full fry up, drank all of our sherry (which we didn't want but he was the only one getting plastered) and told really inappropriate stories involving assault and violence. All of my friends were mortified as were we. We were very pleasant and polite hosts and went over and above to welcome him.

I never said anything to my friend, after all she had decided to have a baby with him etc.

Now she's an amazing mother to a stunning 1 year old and we still catch up, she recently said he's pressuring her to have a second child as others in the family are having more kids even though she's quite happy with one for now and only just got settled back into work again. He's a very good dad, hands on and very hard working in his job, so no concerns there.

I get the sense she's quite lonely at times as they're mostly surrounded by his family and friends. She's asked me several times about visiting and me coming to see her and I keep brushing her off for several reasons:

One - because they didn't have enough room for visitors( they do now).
Two - I don't want to spend time with him at all. But it would be easier for me to visit her than her bring a baby to me.
Three - it's 4 hours away and as much as I love my friend, she's a bit scatty and I think we'd just be sat around all day not doing anything.

On the other hand, I have other friends in her area I could maybe stay with?

How have you handled an intense dislike of your friend's partner? I've kept my mouth zipped because I don't want to push her away.

First of all, I would most definitely talk to my friend about her husband. I think that this is a big mistake people make not saying anything. You say, you did not say anything to her because you did not want to push her away, but you are avoiding seeing her, right?

First of all, if she knows how you feel you may be able to see her without seeing her husband. Second, she needs to know what other people think of her husband, trust me. I spent over twenty years with someone who was very difficult too and I knew he made people uncomfortable, but no one said anything. I know that his attitude pushed a lot of our friends away. I wish they talked to me about it, maybe I would have worked up a courage to leave him sooner.

Anyway, please do not avoid your friend because of her partner, but I am not saying that you should force yourself to sit with him. Perhaps you can stay at the hotel instead and tell her you would prefer seeing her alone since your husband is not around either. If you cannot tell the truth, come up with something but please do stay in touch with her. Being in a marriage like that can feel so lonely.

Thanks for your response. I see that point of view. However she seems very happy with her partner on the whole when he's mentioned and I genuinely don't know how she'd react if I said I wasn't keen on him.

I might try and organise a visit to her area/city and stay elsewhere. I have friends in the area and places I want to visit so that would suit me.

Distance plays a massive part, even if I didn't mind her partner. Being 4 hours away with our own lives means that we will only ever see each other once or twice a year. I suspect she leans on my friendship especially as she doesnt have as many friends now (not to do with him, more just not keeping in touch).

I wouldn't say anything about the husband. I think I'd book a room at an AirBNB or a Premier Inn, so I could go and visit her but escape if I needed to.

You need to tell her how you feel and help her take her gold tinted glasses off.

God only knows what he is like she could be just not saying anything. Go to her and bring her out for a coffee on day 2 and see how she really feels.