Leaving partner with mental health issues

[Naomip88]

I’m looking for some advice about leaving your partner when they have mental health problems. My partner has got cptsd and anxiety and depression. We’ve tried various things over the years but things have only got worse and he has terrifying episodes ( screaming , shouting , breaking stuff , bashing his head) and even though we create crisis plans when he’s bad he rejects all help . He claims I trigger him
( it could be ANYTHING) but also that only my love can stop him. It’s a complete chaotic rollercoaster and I’ve tried to be there and support him for years but today I had a huge panic attack and realised how incredibly toxic it’s become .

He has completely cut himself off from friends and family , he’s signed off work ,I’m supporting him financially ( im
not well off) he has no money so I cannot even fathom how things are going to be if I ask him to leave . He is starting trauma therapy in a few weeks and it feels like our last hope. I think I’m going to see how that goes but I do want to make a plan to get out if it carries on or get worse ( things are currently at rock bottom) . We have two kids which I think he would definitely agree would be better off with me but the thought of even telling him
Is terrifying and making me feel really guilty. Does anyone have any practical advice - maybe services he could use as support if I have to separate? Has anyone been in a similar situation leaving a partner with mental health issues?

I haven’t even started thinking about how the kids would handle it - I think I’ve done a pretty good job hiding it from them but my eldest is a bit withdrawn at the moment and worried she’s being affected by the strange atmosphere which breaks my heart .

It seems unlikely you've successfully hidden screaming , shouting and breaking stuff from the kids? I think you need to protect them by splitting up, tbh.

He claims I trigger him( it could be ANYTHING) but also that only my love can stop him.
Neither of those extremes is fair. A relationship isn't therapy and love doesn't cure anything. He needs to be taking responsibility for himself instead of putting it on you.

He's abusive. He's abusing you and your children - and legally, if you allow him to continue, you're also culpable for their abuse.

Contact Women's Aid and come up with a plan to have him removed - and phone the police.

He’s had these episodes when they aren’t here . I know it’s really unhealthy. Just looking for practical advice about what to do when I have to properly make the decision

If he only has those episodes when they’re not present, it’s kinda convenient. No witnesses to his behaviour.

If he is yelling and throwing things you need to ring the police. He could seriously harm you.

Women’s Aid can advise a strategy.

That seems pretty convenient - so it's only ever you that is treated to this behaviour? Is it actually a control mechanism rather than mental health?

. Cptsd does cause these episodes . I know it is starting to feel controlling which is why I think I need to plan to get out . I just need him to have some sort of support ( whether that’s a place to go when it happens) because he really has no one ( due to isolating himself)

I don't have any practical advice but plenty of empathy as was in a similar situation, it's overwhelming. Could you see if there are any forums/support groups for relatives/families of people with cptsd? These are the people who are more likely to know what his reaction will be like and for sure, you are going to need to be forearmed.
It is so admirable that you have stuck by him and supported him, but sometimes love just isn't enough and although you have become more acutely aware recently about the impact his behaviour and existence is having on you and in fact probably BOTH your children, you are probably not aware of how much this 'stress adaption' is overshadowing your lives.
You have been amazing but this kind of thing can end up making you very ill and can manifest itself physiologically, emotionally and mentally. It sounds as if you have been incredibly resilient, but you can't sustain that forever.
Good luck, I hope someone with the right background knowledge can advise you 🤗

He needs to see his GP and look into a referral to CMHT. Regarding support if you separate, Rethink has a good helpline and he can get information on benefits in order to support himself.

You need to protect your children from him OP as he sounds out of control.

"He claims I trigger him". That's all you need to know. Read your post back and think what you'd tell a friend who opened up to you.

It sounds like a very codependent and unhealthy relationship, and I'm dubious about him being able to limit his "episodes" to times no one is around. Please don't kid yourself into thinking you've hidden it from the kids.

I'm sure if you tell him you're leaving there will be a sudden desire to get help, go to therapy etc etc, then after a few months it will all be back to where you are now.

Make a plan and get out of there.

What a very toxic, abusive relationship this is.
You cannot “ Save” him or anyone else- only he can save himself-
Leave ASAP and don’t look back.

Think of your children.

this is incredibly helpful thank you so much x x

What is your housing situation, op? Could you cope financially on your own?

You’ve tried your best, but it will never be enough. It’s dragged you down and is affecting your children. You need to think very practically now and accept that you cannot control or cure him, and you certainly did not cause it. He needs to go. You are enabling him and he will never get well while he has you to blame and trigger.

He needs to undergo his therapy living elsewhere
Tell his team he cannot live with you
They need to find him inpatient or hostel etc
Your dc should not have to live with this in their home regardless of cause

Go see gp forsafeguarding referral
Your dc need this

So he can control his meltdowns when they are there?

I'm sceptical. Either he can or he can't control himself. If he can't then it's affecting the children. If he can, then he's choosing you use you as an emotional punchbag.

Yes, I have been there, OP. Left my dp literally just after they had suffered a major bereavement and were suffering serious depression with psychotic features. Some time later, they were also diagnosed with young onset Alzheimers, though that wasn't suspected at the time.

Did I feel guilty? Yes, and I was certainly judged for it by others. But I knew I had to because I was on my knees, as low as I could be after many years of non-physical abuse and barely able to function. I just knew my children needed one sane parent and I couldn't be a sane parent within that relationship any more. Plus, the abusive treatment was beginning to include the children, so that made the final decision easy.

I'll never know how much of my partner's behaviour was out of their control. But in the end that didn't matter. What mattered most was our kids, and they are SO much happier and calmer now. And my life is indescribably improved.

Question: when he breaks stuff, does he ever break anything that is important to him?