So I found out I was pregnant in December. I'd been seeing the father for about 4 months at the time.
I'm 40, and I really didn't expect this - it was an accident and completely out of the blue.
In the end, after much deliberation and the most extreme stress I've ever had in my life, I had an abortion. I am still struggling with this decision because I wanted to have the baby.
The problem was that I just couldn't rely on him, I didn't know enough about him, he had been pretty cheapskate whilst dating, and he also already had a child in another country who he hadn't seen since she was about 2 months old.
Before I had the abortion, I made the decision of going behind his back and contacting his ex (the mother of his child). He had told me that he desperately wanted to be in his daughters life, he came to the UK to get stable income, he couldn't get a job in his home country (South Africa) and that the mother of his child basically only wanted money and ran off when she found out she was pregnant - there were all sorts of excuses he gave me, him getting screwed over in business, not able to get decent income, the mother not wanting him around etc etc. But this has gone on for 7 years now.
When I did hear back from the ex, she told me a different story. She said she didn't want to be in a relationship with him but she said he could be all in, or all out re the child. He chose to be all in. She invited him to scans (he said she didn't) and he never showed up (twice), she told him that she wasn't tolerating it and because he was going through financial hardship, she said please get in touch when your priorities are straight. She paid for all her medical expenses alone. She let him know when their daughter was born. He came to see her but apparently could not a) make it to most of the agreed meetings or b) pay his half of the childcare due to his personal circumstances. He eventually stopped coming.
I have sympathy for him as i know he had a hard time, but is is now 7 YEARS later. It just didn't make sense to me listening to only his side of the story.
I had the abortion because I didn't want to be abandoned myself. Shortly after I did, maternity pay at my job was wacked up to 5 months full pay and it broke my heart, prior to that it was statutory. I am struggling to cope with this.
Despite knowing the situation, I stayed with him. I encouraged him to build a relationship with the mother of his child, I wanted them to have a good relationship because it would show me that he was worth having faith in. I wanted to be pregnant again and after my abortion, I didn't care this time if I was on my own. I think that is my own fault for not dealing with the grief. I don't know.
He found out that I was speaking to her on Valentines Day, she had wanted to be friends as we got on so well, she was supportive after my abortion when he was not there for me. She has backed off from me now he knows. He texted her to tell her to stop speaking to me and she said she will speak to whoever she wants.
I haven't heard from him ever since and it's been almost a week now. I keep wanting to say something, the last thing he said was that I had infiltrated his life to destroy the chance he had of being in his daughters life, and his ex said that's bullshit he has no relationship with her, she doesn't even know who he is.
He has just made himself out to be a victim in this whole thing and I have no closure at all. I don't even know how to move on from this or how to deal with all this loss. I also feel guilty and terrible for speaking to his ex behind his back. I felt that I should do it in the circumstances because I needed to know the truth.