Mid 40's with no friends

[CeeCee45]

Perhaps I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself, but is it normal to have no friends in your 40's? I am married, and honestly, he is my best friend, and we have two lovely teenagers, but they don't really need me anymore, so I'm just feeling a bit lost I suppose.
I do have a couple of 'friends', although I use the term loosely as we never see each other. Just put a birthday card through one another's doors once a year, and even my job is a lonely affair - sitting in an office on my own.
I do realise I am lucky to have my family, but I can't help but feel down when I see so many people online having girly weekends away and meals out. I've never had that and I don't know where I've gone wrong.

If you don’t have any friends and you want friends then you have to put in the effort to meet and make friends. What are your interests?

Mel Robbins had a podcast recently about this topic, I've only listened to the very beginning so far so no words of wisdom from me but it might be worth a listen.

Yes. No, it’s not normal, but yes, you can change it if you’re unhappy with it. I’d be asking myself why I found myself in this situation, what I wanted from potential friendships, what I brought to potential friendships, and where I might encounter the kind of people I liked.

You could join groups for your interests, that is a good way to meet people and make friends. What are your hobbies or interests?

I don’t think this is unusual. You and your peers will have been busy with home, children, extended family and work and other responsibilities, tight finances etc. It is coming into your time now your kids are older.

Maybe invite those two friends (?separately) to a cinema or theatre trip you fancy with dinner after and nurture what’s there. Invite a neighbour for a coffee and build to a trip to garden centre cafe or nice walk somewhere. Key is to do something together I feel. Recommend you start to have a goal to do one of these things every couple of months and see where it takes you.

Contact the friends you do have and ask to meet up, find some local groups, maybe a book club or something? Make an effort to find some people you get on with

It's a question of priorities and you haven't prioritised friendships for what sounds like a very long time. Do you and your DH have quite a co-dependent relationship? You need to really want to have friends if it's going to work, you will have to de-prioritise time with your DH and make the friends feel like a priority at least some of the time. You also need to think about what you offer in friendships, essentially be an interesting person to get to know. It's not so thrilling to have a friend who's entire world is her husband and kids. It sounds like you have lost yourself which isn't that uncommon.

Did you neglect friendships when your children were younger? You say that as your children are teenagers now they don't need you, and so now you're thinking about friends. Are there friends of yours that could feel you distanced from them when you had children?

Could you try to pick up on some of those friendships now?

I've never had it either.

Tbh honest, fun as though they look in photos, I don't think I would fit in well with a gaggle of 'girly' friends like that anyway. You may not be cut out to fit such group dynamics either. Some people really want to be part of groups because they like the optics of it, not because they actually enjoy them, and sometimes there can be a lot of politics. 1-2-1 friendships can be complicated as it is without adding that dynamic as well.

The only thing you can do to make friends is join hobby groups really. Volunteering might work as well, but in my experience people in those groups are much, much older (like 60+).

I volunteer and I’m early 40’s. It depends on what the role is I suppose. I volunteer at community events behind the bar.

It’s not abnormal to find yourself without friends. I moved a long way from home at 39 so I can’t be part of my close friends’ day-to-day lives in the same way. I have made some very good friends in the last couple of years. However, you will have to put yourself out there. I tried to do some kind of activity once a week. Secondly, assume you will have to meet 30–40 people before finding one you really click with. Thirdly, be proactive with people you’d like to get to know better.

Also, you and your husband could try and make some couple friends. That can be easier than doing it alone

This. And definitely make an effort, once a week, to do something where you just might meet potential friends.

I think it’s a lot more common that people think. I think unless you’re the kind of person who’s managed to hang on to friendships throughout your life it’s actually quite hard to make good friends in your 40s. Everyone is self involved and can’t really be bothered to make the effort. I am 44 and have no friends at all but it doesn’t actually really bother me. I just don’t have the energy for it all. I enjoy my own space and have dh and teenage dc so often feel quite peopled out. If it does bother you though then I think you really need to invest time and effort into groups / volunteering etc etc.

I've got a few groups of friends of varying sizes as well as some individual ones and get something different from them all.

I am always happy to make new acquaintances. I'm quite friendly by nature and can strike up a conversation with almost anyone. If people are kind, straightforward and funny then chances are I can be friends with them.

It does take effort though and a bit of courage to start with. I relocated to my area knowing absolutely nobody twenty years ago so had no choice but to just get on with it. If people don't reciprocate or are unfriendly, I don't take it personally and quickly move on to someone who is.

The Mel robbins podcast on this is really good.

You can change it and quicker than you might think, but you have to step out of your comfort zone. But the rewards pay off.

I have various friends from life along the way but in recent years I've made amazing friendships by joining something, so choir, walking group, volunteering at community hub etc. These are groups of people who are also wanting and open to friendships plus have a shared interest to talk about.

I found myself in a similar situation when I moved back to the UK after spending about 8 years abroad. That is to say, I did have friends but I'd lost touch with them a bit.

I made the effort to contact a couple of old friends and arranged to meet up (separately) and to my surprise found that they had developed very similar interests to me (theatre in one case and art in the other ), and we've continued to meet up regularly over the years.

You've got to make the effort though; get in touch with your friends and see if they want to go out for a coffee or go to a local event...you've got to put yourself out there, you can't just wait for people to come to you!

I would also second the idea of joining a group like a book club, art class... I am now learning a language and we meet weekly and go out as a group for lunch.

Good luck!

Hi Ceecee, your post rings so true with me, I’m in the exact situation.
The Lonely Girls club FB page was mentioned to me, but in my area (Birmingham) the girls on there are all so much younger. You may find it different in your area.
i too work from home and also have older kids, and find the natural way of making friends and socialising seems so much harder.

I have recently moved to a very new city. I've really pushed myself out of my comfort zone and now have more social opportunities than I've had in years living in the capital!

I joined bumble bff and loads of girl friendship groups on Facebook. I've made friends and connections through all of these. Try looking for different things on Facebook such as "women's walking group CITY" or "make friends CITY" . I initially googled how to make friends in X city and came across my first Facebook group and I've gone from there. It's bloody hard but you've got to push yourself!

I think it’s more normal now than people think, when I’m going to meet up with friends for a night out the amount of people I know that act like I’ve said I’m going to Barbados on holiday. So many people craving something like a night out with the girls. As others have said I’d say try to start something new, a dance class, a book club - all the cliches. Or round up some of your own friends. Hope something works for you op and glad you have a nice dh, maybe go out for a fun night with him too! x

I think it's really easily done. I struggle to be good at "proper" friendships especially 1-1, but I'm lucky to have groups of friends that I'm always included in.

I have this because I joined a social mixed gender, non competitive sports group which goes to the pub after each session. I don't often do the classes anymore as struggling with prolapse but I'm in so may spin off WhatsApp groups. I did notice I wasn't going along to much for a while and started to feel left out until I realised it was 75% my fault and just started going along to stuff (gigs or events I wasn't too fussed about for example) and usually am glad I did, I also usually realise that rather than friends leaving me out they actually haven't been socialising much either!

Snap!! Think there's loads of us "lonely oeople"

I’m in my 40’s, single with 2 almost grown up kids (still both at home) and I feel the same. I have a few friends but no really close friends and I often feel lonely. Evenings are the worst, my youngest dd has SEN’s so although she’s 19 I can’t leave her and go to any evening clubs or classes. I have hobbies but I struggle to make friends with people through them (I happily talk to anyone but making arrangements/plans to meet up is trickier).

I think there are probably many people are age in a similar situation.