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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would appreciate some advice and guidance

14 replies

Browsy42 · 19/02/2025 22:45

I am late 30s and I have one 8 year old from previous marriage. Ex husband had multiple affairs which has left me pretty traumatised if I’m honest as I had no idea. Then he swanned off into the sunset while blowing up my whole world. I have managed to rebuild my life, buy a house and even co parent with my ex and we split contact with our child 60/40 now. We separated 4 years ago.
I have had a relationship since but did not introduce to my child. I have a massive guard up and feel super protective over my family and my space (and heart too probably).
the thing is I would love another child, in fact I could have liked to have had a number of children.
Ideally I would have liked to have met someone and built a new life together with them and my child and hopefully have had a child together. But I honestly don’t know if I will ever feel able to do that again, or at least now right now.
my other option is to do it solo. And I have thought about this on repeat the past few years.
i know a lot of people take issue with sperm donation and I really don’t want to get into that debate, that part I am ok with it.
i worry however that i am making life extra hard on myself both practically and emotionally. But I have that yearning.
I also worry that adding another child who is solo mine would make ever finding a relationship even harder as I would have no free time to date.
has anyone been in a similar situation?
I would add that I had fertility treatment to have my son so that is more a new experience for me should I have to do it again
Please be gentle, time is not on my side and I don’t want to regret my choices

OP posts:
CarCrashLifes · 19/02/2025 22:47

If that's what you want to do and feel you can practically do it then go ahead

healthybychristmas · 19/02/2025 22:50

Honestly, I wouldn't, but I am really against bringing a child into the world where he or she won't know anything about the father. I think it's really cruel.

Browsy42 · 19/02/2025 22:52

healthybychristmas · 19/02/2025 22:50

Honestly, I wouldn't, but I am really against bringing a child into the world where he or she won't know anything about the father. I think it's really cruel.

Thanks but that’s not the part I struggle with like I said in OP

OP posts:
username299 · 19/02/2025 22:57

If you have a flexible, well paying job and can afford childcare then I'd go for it. You're late 30s OP so time to make a decision.

Toooldtorave · 19/02/2025 22:58

healthybychristmas · 19/02/2025 22:50

Honestly, I wouldn't, but I am really against bringing a child into the world where he or she won't know anything about the father. I think it's really cruel.

huh? I knew my dad. He was an alcoholic abusive PoS - I’d rather have been a donor baby.

A friend had donor insemination and had a beautiful baby as a solo mum after separating from her partner at 39. She’s an amazing mum. It’s hard work, but the little girl is thriving and they’re both loving life.

Bibi12 · 19/02/2025 22:59

Do you have family support? Can you afford childcare? How will having another impact the one you already have ? It really depends whether you're able to provide for another child financially, emotionally and practically. Otherwise you will struggle.

Browsy42 · 19/02/2025 23:02

Bibi12 · 19/02/2025 22:59

Do you have family support? Can you afford childcare? How will having another impact the one you already have ? It really depends whether you're able to provide for another child financially, emotionally and practically. Otherwise you will struggle.

Yes I have food family support and financial secure. I guess I worry about the impact on my child going to their dads vs another child staying here and how they might view that themselves and their sibling relationship

OP posts:
EarthSight · 19/02/2025 23:09

I have sympathy for your situation.

It seems that data on the emotional impact of being a sperm doner child is not greatly studied. However, just imagine the emotional impact it might have to know that your biological father cared so little about you and his genetic material that he was absolutely fine with you being raised by a total stranger he'd never met. In fact, they knowingly gave it away being happy that they'd never be involved in their own child's life.

It's easy enough to wave this away, but parents cannot nor should not gaslight a child into believing that this doesn't matter and that your their love & care is enough.

It's not just a question of ethics though. One massive thing that women learn the hard way is that you cannot eradicate certain personality traits with the right upbringing alone. Your child might be just like you, or a mix, or they might turn out to be exactly like their biological father, which may be a very bad outcome.

You can't predict that as you won't even know the father, and there is a myriad of very unpleasant character traits you cannot screen out via background data alone. Plenty of horrible people never get criminal records. Psychopathy & narcissism, (both inheritable traits) is more highly represented amongst certain professions (surgeons being one of them). Now imagine coping with that in a child or teenage boy when you're a single, female parent.

It's out of concern for you and women like you that I point this out. I know someone who's decided not to have a 2nd child, mainly because her boy had been such a handful and it's clear he's inherited most of his personality from his father (which she knows for sure as the child wasn't a doner child). I think on some level, she's concerned that her 2nd child wouldn't be safe with him...and he's under 10 years old currently so who knows what he'll be like later in life.

I really feel for you. It's really not what you or any woman would have imagined for herself and I understand why you want to feel more like a family unit rather than just you and your current child. There's social benefits to having siblings too. I don't know what I would do to be honest, because on the other hand, it seems there's really strong data to suggest that a child is at most risk of being abused, either sexually or otherwise, by a step-father, so it's not risk-free to your current child.

Browsy42 · 19/02/2025 23:14

EarthSight · 19/02/2025 23:09

I have sympathy for your situation.

It seems that data on the emotional impact of being a sperm doner child is not greatly studied. However, just imagine the emotional impact it might have to know that your biological father cared so little about you and his genetic material that he was absolutely fine with you being raised by a total stranger he'd never met. In fact, they knowingly gave it away being happy that they'd never be involved in their own child's life.

It's easy enough to wave this away, but parents cannot nor should not gaslight a child into believing that this doesn't matter and that your their love & care is enough.

It's not just a question of ethics though. One massive thing that women learn the hard way is that you cannot eradicate certain personality traits with the right upbringing alone. Your child might be just like you, or a mix, or they might turn out to be exactly like their biological father, which may be a very bad outcome.

You can't predict that as you won't even know the father, and there is a myriad of very unpleasant character traits you cannot screen out via background data alone. Plenty of horrible people never get criminal records. Psychopathy & narcissism, (both inheritable traits) is more highly represented amongst certain professions (surgeons being one of them). Now imagine coping with that in a child or teenage boy when you're a single, female parent.

It's out of concern for you and women like you that I point this out. I know someone who's decided not to have a 2nd child, mainly because her boy had been such a handful and it's clear he's inherited most of his personality from his father (which she knows for sure as the child wasn't a doner child). I think on some level, she's concerned that her 2nd child wouldn't be safe with him...and he's under 10 years old currently so who knows what he'll be like later in life.

I really feel for you. It's really not what you or any woman would have imagined for herself and I understand why you want to feel more like a family unit rather than just you and your current child. There's social benefits to having siblings too. I don't know what I would do to be honest, because on the other hand, it seems there's really strong data to suggest that a child is at most risk of being abused, either sexually or otherwise, by a step-father, so it's not risk-free to your current child.

Edited

As I stated in my original post I have no problem with sperm donation and not interested in hearing your opinion on it. In fact I’m actually surprised you took the time to write out such drivel

OP posts:
Dery · 19/02/2025 23:20

@EarthSight - I do disagree with your take when you say:

“However, just imagine the emotional impact it might have to know that your biological father cared so little about you and his genetic material that he was absolutely fine with you being raised by a total stranger he'd never met. In fact, they knowingly gave it away being happy that they'd never be involved in their own child's life.”

My DH was a sperm donor decades ago in response to an appeal led by Baroness Warnock for sperm donors to provide sperm for infertile couples to allow them to have their longed-for children. It was not a matter of him caring very little for his offspring - in his mind, his potential offspring would be going into very loving homes. Obviously you have a different view but I wanted to counter-balance it.

ThisOlives · 19/02/2025 23:28

Browsy42 · 19/02/2025 23:14

As I stated in my original post I have no problem with sperm donation and not interested in hearing your opinion on it. In fact I’m actually surprised you took the time to write out such drivel

Edited

Such a selfish and flippant response from OP - you're only thinking about yourself and not the baby who will grow up to be a real person. You are not doing yourself any favours with your responses.

Browsy42 · 19/02/2025 23:33

ThisOlives · 19/02/2025 23:28

Such a selfish and flippant response from OP - you're only thinking about yourself and not the baby who will grow up to be a real person. You are not doing yourself any favours with your responses.

I think sperm and egg donation is a wonderful gift to families and have personal experience of this, hence me not having concerns about this. That’s why I especially highlighted it in my OP because Mumsnet loves to jump onto that point

OP posts:
EarthSight · 20/02/2025 16:09

@Browsy42 I'm a fast typer.

I wasn't rude in my post, and I was empathetic to your situation, but if you think it's 'drivel' then sod you then!

ThisOlives · 20/02/2025 19:24

EarthSight · 20/02/2025 16:09

@Browsy42 I'm a fast typer.

I wasn't rude in my post, and I was empathetic to your situation, but if you think it's 'drivel' then sod you then!

Edited

100% agree, I thought you were being kind, considerate, thoughtful and trying to help bring a different perspective with your message. Please don't be put off sharing your valuable insights based on OP's flippant response

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