Bumble, Hinge..... soul destroying

[bootswiththefur]

I'm 41 and very newly single. I've been in a fairly toxic relationship for 12 years for the sake of my children and after discovering infidelity I've finally had the courage to call it a day.

I can't bear the thought of being on my own forever, so out of curiosity I looked on Bumble and oh my god it's soul destroying.

I literally have nothing to say about myself and every photo of me is either a selfie or with my kids. I can't remember the last time I wore heels or dressed up.

The honest profile would say '41, slightly tubby, eat too many Tarnocks and doesn't particularly like people. Stayed with her ex too long and now has anxiety and trust issues. Social life is distinctly lacking unless taking Vinted parcels to her local Coop counts. Works too much. Worries too much. Cares too much about what other people think. Spends most of her weekends snuggled under a blanket with her kids chanting another one bites the dust watching gladiators while wearing a giant foam finger.'

Every profile is men picking the photos that they think women want to see, where as every pic of a man with a six pack or on a night out just makes me die a little inside.

Where are all my 'love walks, country pub and cosy movie nights' men at that are willing to consider a slightly damaged perimemopausal mum of two?

I've deleted my profile. Maybe its time to get another cat.

x

Haha, well you gave me a laugh, so I'm sure you're great company and if you don't find your Prince Charming at least you'll have your cat/s

Haha!

Sorry OP I don't mean to laugh but you did make me laugh with your dating "bio".

In a very similar boat to you, and concur the dating apps are grim!

Perhaps if you have some child free time get a good night/day out pencilled in with your girlfriends and ask them to take some lovely pics of you!

Yep dating apps are soul destroying.
I think you need to try and have some bits outside of "dating". Food and drinks with friends, going to the movies, you need a support network for dating apps as its needle in a haystack.

Maybe think of some nice things about your personality and what you are looking for and pop it into ChatGPT or something and it can create an awesome bio. Get friends to take some photos or do some selfies when you feel good about yourself. It's all about angles anyway.

Try and remember that there are good people out there and it's luck of the draw how the apps pan out.

You sound very similar to me OP so if I was a man I would snap you up for a date! Honestly though the whole dating world terrifies me. I'm too scared to even consider even going on dating apps or sites and I've just resigned myself to being alone forever.

My sister and her friends have just entered OLD at the ripe age of 40/41. They screenshot the pure horrors they come across and share them. I mean it's entertaining if nothing else. Maybe if there's nothing on Netflix you could reactivate your account for the pure entertainment!

Ha I enjoyed reading your bio, it gave me a laugh but you could definitely reframe it if you did want to go on a few dates - 'caring, witty? conscientious mother who enjoys cosying up on the sofa with sweet treats' kind of thing. I'm sure you have a lot going for you! If you would like a more varied social life then maybe this is the realisation you need to see if you can get out there a bit more. You sound great!

If you go in with eyes wide open they're not soul destroying.

You can be the woman you describe but you are clearly so much more than that. Self deprecation isn't always attractive.

But, be realistic about who you will attract. OLD is an instant snapshot. Take or leave. If you're overweight, many will leave. It's a bare fact. In real life you get to build connections that can turn into attraction.

I was a fox in my 20's/30's. That waned in my 40's. I realised by 44 (my entry to OLD) that I could no longer attract the physical calibre of man I could 20 years or more previous. But I could attract decent men if I looked beyond that.

Being on your own is actually pretty good. I mean, it's nice to have a boyfriend but there's a lot to be said for living on your own and being independent.

I think you were probably just not ready yet and that's not a bad thing - spend some time figuring out how to be content as a single person, and then any bloke who comes along has to be offering a lot of value to your life to make it worthwhile dating him. Whereas if you're coming from the perspective of dreading or being scared of being alone, then you're that much more likely to settle for some other shitty toxic guy.

Also if you're coming out of an abusive(?) relationship, it tends to skew your boundaries so you're vulnerable to further losers & abusers. Kinda like catnip to predators. So worth taking the time to rebuild your self-image and boundaries.

I don't think its awfulness is limited to the over 40s I'm afraid. My 21 yo DD has been on Hinge for over a year. I asked her if it was as grim as I thought it was, it's bloody awful Mum, was the reply.

She's young, attractive, smart, sporty, funny etc. I know I'm her Mum but she (and her friends) is/are bloody beautiful and all they get are an assortment of incredibly average guys who think they are a spectacular catch! In all that time she's had a total of one date, and that didn't amount to anything.

I hope PPs manage to find their someone in real life, as I fear OLD really isn't working for anyone 🙁

I spent quite a lot of time building up more of a life for myself outside the children and work post divorce and getting comfortable being single. You ideally want to get to a point where you’re happy with yourself and your life without a relationship.

I was really constrained by having children 100% of the time but listened to podcasts / audiobooks (partly to give me something to talk about) and exercised in front of the tv in the evening. And I did start putting a bit more of an effort into my appearance (which isn’t saying much as I lived in gym clothes and did nothing with my hair, nails etc before that). I had the same issue re pictures but got friends to take some- they’re still not great but better than a lot of the men’s.

Obviously do things you’re interested in rather than things just for the sake of being more attractive to a date.

Personally I’ve started off looking for fwbs/ casual relationship. Not for everyone but it’s been really fun and no pressure. It’s also a huge confidence boost and you can basically take your pick of men for it.

In general there are far more men on online dating sites than women. Tinder was around 70/30. So most women get a lot of attention.

Op, it sounds like the perfect excuse for a restyle, some clothes shopping and a few weekends away visiting old friends.

My experience of OLD (recently created my first profile) is that men post photos of fish 🤔 Why would they choose a picture of themselves standing on a muddy riverbank in muddy jeans holding a muddy fish? Is this some sort of code for sexual preferences that I know nothing about? Do they imagine fish are attractive? Does it mark them out as an alpha male hunter gatherer?

Or they message me from Tyneside - I live in Hampshire. How would that work?

I mistakenly thought there might be a sane, appropriately aged man within 50 miles who could manage a photo involving a clean shirt and a smile. I was wrong.

I'm going to adopt a spaniel 😁

@exhaustedbeinghappy my friends DD met her BF on hinge, well they got engaged recently and they seem very happy. He is a lovely guy but not traditionally handsome.

You might enjoy these! He has lots of mini songs based on tinder conversations and they properly make me laugh m.youtube.com/shorts/Zzh3XMeCpvI

Write exactly that in the Bio. I'm not kidding

Yeah I’d totally build up your life and as cliche as it sounds as find out who you are and what you’re really looking for before getting back into the dating scene. Otherwise you’ll probably just end up with another loser.

Agreed. Apart from the bit about staying too long with the ex (that'll attract abusive sorts who think you're a soft target).

Op I am a freakishly similar position (right down to gladiator chanting!)
I tried a few dating apps and i must have deleted them within a few hours. I did it initially to cheer myself up and wound up feeling much more depressed thinking I'm going to be alone forever!
Honestly i dont know what the answer is. I do know two friends who have success stories, but they went on a loooooot of crap dates before finding someone good...

When you feel.ready, try local Meet up or friendship groups, they're usually very welcoming and consist of people in a similar position, they go for meals, to the cinema, to pub quizzes, walks etc.
The dating sites are just too depressing, looking on them just makes me feel anxious and full of dread, I'm really not up to dealing with it.

You sound just like me too! Don't worry
I wouldn't choose the ones where they are surrounded by beer glasses or posing on a beach, have a 100 hobbies and constantly travel. I guess that's what they think is appealing. Like you I'd rather have a nice meal in a cosy pub, but just be honest and say what you enjoy and eliminate the ones that don't match up, eventually he will be there!

op I've yet to read the other users comments...
I had to come on and comment because the description of your bio is literally my bio too.
I'm 39, my partner was also like yours and he left me soul destroyed while he moved straight on to the next woman... Destroyed whatever very little confidence I had left.
I'm single 3 yrs now. Tried a few of the online dating sites one night I had too much to drink from feeling hard done by and I felt exactly how you did. You could've wrote my entire experience!
Firstly I had no selfie pics of myself, they were all with the children.. my bio baffled me because I had zero clue on how to advertise myself because realistically I'm a stay at home mum of 2 who was in a very long term relationship that ended up destroying me. I've damn all hobbies other than binge watching episodes, I barely go out, my days consist of school runs, homework and everything kid duty. I'm a disaster for replying to my friends or family as I can't multi task very well so they only hear from me between the hours of 9-11pm...
I literally had literally nothing to write about myself and even when I did manage to come up with something the men on it just disheartened me so much. It actually really made me want my ex back tbh!! So I quickly deleted. I found the same type of men that you're describing and it actually scared me out of online dating altogether. I havent went back since. I think I should accept its most likely I'm gonna remain alone. The fear of allowing another man in actually petrified me.

Well, I wouldn[t recommend dating apps but if you want to give it a try and feeling insecure maybe do something to change that. Do a spa day, dress up, take some nice pictures for your profile. Also, focus on the good things you have to say about you (maybe working too much just means your hardworker and thats positive, you stayed with your ex for to o long beacause you can commit to someone...), and if there is something that you want to change, then change it... if you dont have a social life, get it, call your girlfriends and go to brunch, go to the gym or for walks, eat those tarnocks but also eat your fruits and vegetables... and if there is any other way to meet man rather dating apps, try that first ahah

I am reminded of a meme I saw once, something along the lines of:

"if you're sad about being single, join a dating app. Afterwards you'll still be single, but you'll be much happier that you are" 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Try posting exactly that - with a semi decent ish photo - !! you may be suprised- my son told me an awful lot of younger women today are bloody lacking in a sense of humour or being able to laugh at themselves at all -

Maybe turn it on its head…

Female 41 who loves the people in her life. Family comes first, and happiness for me is found in the simple things—Sunday walks, pub lunches, cosy nights in, tunnocks teacakes and laughter. Not looking for perfection (my own supermodel days are behind me) - just someone caring, interesting, down to earth, reliable, honest and good-humoured to share life experiences and the everyday adventures with.