The ‘trenches’ in early years parenting

[Marrrii]

Heard this term or phrase about your relationship when you’ve got young kids.

currently struggling with DH. I would even go to say I dislike him a lot. Sex life has kind of went to a Stand still it’s been a while but combined with me being heavily pregnant, a C-section then PPD and breastfeeding it only feels now our youngest is one that I’m feeling like a person again who’d even consider having sex

But I mentioned it to a friend who instantly was like OMG DO NOT WORRY we all go there it’s fine and your relationship improves it’s rough with 2 young ones (she had 2 under 2 my age gap is 2 year exactly between my 2)

Is it normal? Can I possibly like him again???? He is just lazy and a bit selfish I feel but again heard it’s common to be wound up with your partner when you bear the load of most things etc

I think your situation sounds very different to what most people mean by “the trenches”, because yeah I do agree that when you have small children it is the trenches and you do come out the other side. But that’s when you are BOTH in the trenches together.

My husband & I have been in the trenches with our daughter, it’s been really hard, the sleep deprivation, the recovery/postpartum, keeping on top of everything else, but not once in that time have I ever come even close to disliking my husband. I love him, I know we are both trying our absolute best right now and that’s all we can do, it is a difficult time but we’re in it together and both doing the best we can.

You’re resentful and disliking your husband because he is lazy and selfish, that’s not just normal “in the trenches” behaviour, that’s a shit partner. And he’s not going to suddenly stop being lazy or selfish, so unless you just decide you accept him being lazy and selfish then you’re not going to suddenly like him again.

It is hard when the kids are little, but harder when your husband/partner is a lazy selfish arse. The kids will grow. But will the DP?

Lazy and selfish are not traits that make life with a partner very hard.
Respect is eroded and doesn't return if the selfishness remains.

It can be very hard when they are young, relentless, particularly without good sleep.

Sort out your contraception is key.
Do not get pregnant again.
Two children with a selfish man is enough IMO.

You have been through enough, you need to mind yourself and get well.
Keep your family and friends close for support.

Unfortunately many women often decide life is better and easier without a selfish lazy partner.

Don't rush into anything, give it some thought.
Would you tell him how unhappy you are?
Tell him that your feelings are changing because of him putting himself first and not sharing the load.

Yes, I agree with this. If anything you should be able to appreciate him more because you see what he is capable of, when you're both "in the trenches" as you say. But I'm afraid pp is right: if now you're in the thick of it you dislike him, I don't think it's getting better (unless you both address it).

In the trenches is sort of like both running around your house tending to anything that needs tending, so laundry, feeding children, bathing children, remembering to feed yourselves, cleaning, dealing with a child who is awake, dealing with 2 children who are poorly, cleaning up sick, putting another load of laundry on, getting out the door to take a child to nursery and you off to work. But in the thick of all that knowing that you are in a team, both of you are dealing with it all, no one is shirking having 45 minute poos 8 times a day or dealing with that loose patio slab in January when no one is going outside anyway. That in the down time where you both collapse down onto the sofa, you can hold hands, look at each other and know that even though this is madness there is joy in it, joy in each other and it will get easier when the children don't need you as much, when they can feed themselves, dress themselves etc.

That is my version of it. Your case sounds a little different with him not pulling his weight. You both should have equal downtime and he should be parenting his children just as much as you do. So moving forward you need to talk. Conflict is often about expectations not being met. Lay out your expectations, ask what his are too. Use positive language of what you want to see happen not negative you never do this. People are more receptive to positive language than negative. In school we always say walk please rather than don't run, we say what we want to see.

The trenches in my relationship were a case of both my husband and I being completely exhausted, overstimulated, sleep-deprived, barely functioning because of all the mental, physical and emotional energy it took for us to learn to be parents.
What happens sometimes is that when both partners feel like they are on their last breath, they blame each other for that - "I'm feeling this way because you're not doing enough" - whereas actually they're both doing their very best but parenthood has become too hard and support networks too small.

However, the only way that gets better is when the children grow up, become more independant, start school etc., and 'doing your best' finally feels like it's enough. At that point you can start to invest in your partner again, and appreciate what they do for the family.
A lazy husband will never make you feel that way. Because a) you won't get out of the trenches as you're carrying an unfairly large portion of the work so you will remain exhausted, overstimulated, sleep-deprived, ... and b) you can't feel appreciative towards someone who is consistently abandoning you.

Yes, I think it’s normal if your dh isn’t generally an asshole. I would say it took 2 years for anything approaching a normal relationship to come back after our first. It was easier after our 2nd. I don’t remember it being quite as challenging, I think because we had things a bit more figured out by then (we had a 5 year age gap). But there was definitely a point at 9 months when we were both googling divorce solicitors! We are many years down the line now (eldest is 12) and our relationship is very solid (I’m glad we didn’t just get divorced 😂). Some partners are just knobs though.