I know I won’t get sympathy for my behaviour - I don’t deserve it - but I would appreciate advice on how to cope with what has happened this last week or so, as I’m struggling to process it all and fear for my mental well-being.
A couple of years back I had a breakdown, and am now unable to work. My partner, who is younger than me, works full time away from home in the week.
I have joined some social groups online to fend off loneliness and help my mental health. . I really value the friendships I’ve gained there. At different times, two of these friendships turned flirtatious and ultimately more than flirtatious, they developed into intimate online-only friendships. One of these ‘relationships’ eventually moved back a step, as mutually agreed (we are both married) but we remained firm friends and continued to talk in a friendly way often, and until very recently. The other friendship developed over a long time and ultimately, and only very recently, moved onto cybersex. I have a lot of affection for this second man, and I thought he felt the same way ( though neither of us ever intended to let the friendship become a real-life affair).
Two weeks ago, completely unexpectedly, the first of these men died in a skiing accident. A week llater, the second man ended our online relationship, again, unexpectedly.
I can’t cope with the overwhelming grief that I am feeling. I can’t talk to anybody about it and yet I am absolutely devastated at the loss I feel. I keep crying and having to hide my feelings from friends and family. I want to mourn my first friend, but can’t do so publicly, not least because I would hate for his family to find out about me now.
I am absolutely gutted at the abrupt coincidental ending of my most recent affair, too, and again cannot share this with anybody.
Please don’t judge - I know my behaviour has been completely out of order, and morally wrong, but nevertheless I am overcome with grief and don’t know how to cope.