Sibling favouritism

[Glitterballofdreams]

I am one of four children, and the only one who lives local (5 min away) from our parents, and the only one with children.
However over the years it has become more and more noticeable how they favour one of my sisters. They pander to her every need, and are constantly on the phone to her throughout the day, messaging, etc.

They do not visit us, if I didn’t visit them (which I tend not to do much anymore) they would never see their grandchildren. They refuse to come to sports days etc. They take themselves off on regular holidays, and go to stay with my sister.

I have experienced some big problems recently with health and work, for which they do not even check in or ask how I am. I work nights and am struggling greatly as I have a baby, and so cannot get more than 2-3 hours sleep after a shift. They are fully aware of this but won’t offer support, instead they told me to quit my job, which I can’t as I need to provide for my family.

I have found myself becoming bitter towards them and my sister, which is upsetting me, as I’m not the jealous type. I am thinking I should just distance myself completely, as they are clearly not interested in becoming supportive for my children or myself.

I just wondered what others thought as an outside perspective, or if anyone has been through similar?
many thanks for reading.

Is your sister the youngest?

experienced some big problems recently
am struggling greatly
check in or ask how I am
They are fully aware of this but won’t offer support
clearly not interested in becoming supportive for my children or myself.

Do you have and have you ever had a relationship with them as people and equals, rather than sources of help and support for you? There’s a lot in your OP about you and your needs and wants, but little about them and theirs. If they perceive that every interaction with you is going to involve them being expected to do something for you rather than just relax and have a nice time, you’re going to be a much less attractive prospect to spend time with than a sibling who doesn’t require as much from them.

Adult relationships are a two way street and whilst parents love their children, when those children are adults there’s usually an expectation that the relationship will become one, rather than parents taking an eternal parent role and not receiving any recognition of their own needs and emotions in return.

Op you’re not imagining it. Unfortunately society seems obsessed with the fantasy that upon the moment of procreation you instantly transform into a psychologically intact and fully emotionally mature adult. 2 mins in reality should knock that delusion on the head but no.

Many of us have parents who we overtook in terms of emotional age while we were still children. Having a parent like yours would hurt you if you’re fully thinking and feeling. Is talking therapy a possibility. Reading about dysfunctional families will help you put a few of the jigsaw pieces together.

Adult relationships are a two way street and whilst parents love their children, when those children are adults there’s usually an expectation that the relationship will become one, rather than parents taking an eternal parent role and not receiving any recognition of their own needs and emotions in return.

the above is a fine example of how a lot of society just can not validate you. ‘You’re upset with your mum? Why are you so selfish/sensitive?’ Has it never occurred to you that your mum had needs?????’

Thank you for your response.

I would never expect to have and equal relationship with my parents, as I still respect them as my elders. With this I do not expect them to do as I wish, and will not burden them with requests as my sister does. I never ask them to babysit, I personally prefer to juggle my hectic life than ask for help. Might I explain, that they have not babysat for several years. My husband and I work back to back he works days I work nights, and we have not had an evening to ourselves in over 6 years, so I definitely don’t think they avoid contact to avoid being asked for help with my children. They have been invited over for dinners, holidays, etc but they politely decline. Yes they have more in common with my sister because when they stay with her they go for lunches and stay up late drinking, whereas with me it would be a more child focused affair.

My mum was never maternal, and I guess this is why she isn’t an eager grandmother. It seems they just are not interested in spending time with their grandchildren, instead 100% focusing on their own interests. It just saddens me when friends and our children’s friends have keen grandparents who adore spending time with them. I feel my children miss out in that aspect.

I don’t understand this response?!

She is the eldest

I don’t understand this response?!

when posters post about a painful relationship with a parent other posters come on to say that either you are selfish or sensitive. It’s usually a mixture. When I read these pronouncements laying out reality I always wonder if the author honestly thinks that the op, you, have never come across the notion that you are being overly sensitive and needy. I suspect you would very much rather you were.

Hmmmm. Sounds like there wasn’t a discussion about their involvement/commitment to your childcare routines, and the part they were willing to play. Did you ask them in advance if they would support your return to work? On the one hand, it’s very unfair if you did make an agreement with them and they have backtracked? But if there was no such conversation, then it couldn’t be assumed they would offer you support, so that would kind of be on you and your partner for not working this out with them in advance?

Your parents have caused this dynamic and it could well be your other siblings have noticed their sister being favoured. You may well be seen by your parents as not needed their help in any way because you're seen as the most capable, adaptable, reliable one etc.

Your favoured sister may be very vocal and otherwise demanding of them and they jump accordingly to her commands. This is what happened to me but it took me a while to realise the full extent of their favouritism. I was trusted, well left really, to get on with it from my mid teens onwards. I would continue to distance myself from them because they won't change.