Toral denial

[Brushyourtabletagain]

Have had suspicion that my husband dips into porn, and he knows how much i hate it.
One day I secretly opened his phone, and just looked at safari, specifically the search bar.
Therw are several learned words that are definitely of a sexual/porn nature.
I confronted him, but he 100% dwnies it, and says it may be from years ago, when he used to look at stuff.
I don't think that learned words move from phone to phone, this was a week after he had a new one.
I have tried to get him to admit it, but he swears point blank he's not looking at anything like that.
Could he be telling the truth?
If not, how on earth do i get him to open up and admit it.

A. He's looking at porn. Or atleast searching for it.
B. He's lying to you.
C. You don't get to control someone's sexual urges or porn use. If its something mutually agreed during a relationship, fine, but one person placing a boundary and expecting the other to just comply, no, that's not on.

No. He isn't telling the truth.

I think before pressing him to be honest, you need to have a fair idea what you're going to do if he is.

If he is honest and admits it, that is.

No, but she doesn't have to stay with him either.

But that is youechoice, OP, which is why I say decide what you will do with the information. If you would leave him, that's fine but if you want to use it as astick to beat him with, you're only going to end up unhappy and ruining the relationship anyway.

I think you're asking too much tbh - and going too far with the investigations and interrogations, it's porn not an affair - but if that's your dealbreaker, you have to be prepared to break up over it and wait a long time for someone beyond reproach.

I have no problem with porn. I can’t understand why women are so hell bent on banning their partners from it.

Anyway, it's very easy for someone to use an incognito window to search porn so your safari investigation is limited anyway. If he wants to use porn, he will, and he'll lie to you because you've set that rule. Either turn a blind eye or split up but this level of control of someone's private predilections is not practical.

You cannot back someone into a corner and make them promise not to do something and then treat them like you own them by violating their privacy and searching their phone to check they’ve kept their word.

You have voiced that you don’t agree with porn, you cannot make the choice for him as to if he watches it or not. You can ask him to watch a few eye opening documentaries on the porn industry and how awfully it treats women but you cannot ultimately control him.

He's not going to be honest if you are coming at him for it of course he is going to get defensive and his back up about it.
I don't like porn either never used to have an issue with it but as I've got older and had kids and seen some not very nice things about the industry I changed my mind on it.
I always knew my husband watched occasionally and a year after baby no.2 I walked in on him we ended up having a big conversation about it and I told him how I felt about it. He had been watching 2-3 times a week and we were only intimate once a week so we came to the agreement that he would limit use to once a week and since our sex life has increased and we have had more conversations where he's admitted he thinks he had an addiction to it from using it so much from a young man he'd use it has a stress relief now he wants to stop completely..
Anyway my point is if he has an addiction he may need you to come to him from a place of understanding and patience.

Is Safari his browser of choice?

Wow, you are really controlling.

You set restrictions on his behaviour, you snoop on him then interrogate him. The you are looking for better interrogation methods on the internet.

Get some help.

If porn is a big deal breaker then you need to leave this relationship and you will be looking for a very rare man. Your preference for a partner who has no porn use is fine but your approach to enforcing that is not.

Is a relationship that important to you? You could just choose to stay single.

There will be men out there that don't use porn but they will be rare (they won't be the ones who virtue signal that they don't), you need to go and see if you can find one of these rare men who wants a relationship with you. In the interest of that I suggest you get therapy first as this behaviour will rule out anyone after a healthy relationship.

So sorry, OP. This would be a dealbreaker for me as well. It's really depressing to think that men who use porn are in the minority. If he's continuing to use it, and you've told him you hate him using it, then it doesn't sound as if you have much choice here but to either accept it or move on (not that easy, I know).

Just wanted you to know that you're not on your own with hating men using porn (yes, I might get flamed for being boring and not liberal. That's my view and others have theirs).

He is lying. You know that.

And you need to decide what that means.

I don't agree with most of the posts so far. Dealbreaker for me. And yes, hens teeth etc. I don't care.

I have been in relationships where I would bet my life they didn't watch porn, one where they lied and I found out (accidently), and some where they say they don't but I'm open minded as to whether they were being completely honest. That is probably the pragmatic approach for me.

I am totally anti porn and will never be swayed. Don't need to rehearse why. Totally ok for you (or me) to set boundaries about something we feel strongly about. Don't have to shrug and accept and I also do not feel it is controlling.

I'm in a relationship now where he used to watch porn, says he doesn't now (partly due to my boundaries but...) probably mostly as there does seem to be a bit of a backlash by - normal, not men's rights twats - men as to its overall harm (to women, men, families, children, society).

Is he 100% honest? I'm not 100% sure. Says the right things, seems to understand the issues and its importance to me; also will state that he wouldn't jeopardise what we have for it. However, I'm open minded as to whether that's the complete and total truth. I wouldn't necessarily snoop proactively. But, if I found any evidence that he'd been lying all of this time I would not hesitate to end the relationship there and then. MN will call me controlling and unrealistic etc. I simply could not live with the deception, and, actually, the weak spine. If you're doing it and love it and have no issues or shame with it, just admit to it and deal with the consequences. Pathetic, all these men scurrying around frantically wanking and hiding the evidence from women they are supposed to have trusting open relationships with. Actually a complete and utter turn off for me.

Anyway, many agree with you and it's ok for you to feel how you feel.

Porn use is very common. You've gone searching and found it. Surprise, surprise.

The best thing you can do is either end the relationship or accept his explanation and stop looking for it. But you need to be realistic, you are unlikely to find a man that doesn't indulge in it. It didn't become a massive industry with no one watching it.

Also MN headquarters... been discussed before on here but prob need a sub board dedicated to this. Although prob not entitled Porn 😐Just this week - again - many many women starting threads for help battling or trying to decide how to live peacefullly with this total fucking scourge.

@snoopfroggy
I’m curious what you are disagreeing with from earlier posts?
Most seem to think leave if porn is a deal breaker, you seem ok with that.
Most seem to think it is rare to find a man who doesn’t, so he probably is.
Most consider snooping and interrogation bad relationship behaviour.
I can’t see anyone thinking porn is a positive thing.

I would add a word of caution about your partner, if they say they are not watching porn because of “your boundaries” that is not a very credible response. Rather like those men who try and virtue signal that they don’t watch it because it is degrading etc. Stopping a private activity on the basis of an external pressure of shame or the ability it broadcast it for public validation is unlikely to be genuine.

I would never trust a man who says he doesn’t because the industry is exploitative, all he needs to rationalise using it is something that has plausible deniability of no exploitation. Would that then make it ok? Obviously not. I would be far more likely to believe someone who had a problem and stopped because they realised the negative impact on themselves. I’m more inclined to trust someone with an internal motivation than an external one.

It is like the normal criticism of porn focusing on the impact on most performers isn’t great. Someone can always find a rationalisation where some performer plausibly claims not to be. It is basically bad in every way. If a man states his objection is based on a very narrow criticism of it then he probably isn’t one of the “hens teeth” he is saying what you want to hear. If he has a broad dislike for it and never focuses on other people’s views on it there is a better chance if it being genuine.

I read some posts that said they had no idea what some women's problems with porn were. But reading back, will grant you that many didn't voice a strong opinion or justify porn.

I agree with you mostly I think. With regard to my partner (and don't want to derail the thread)... it's not just my boundaries. Partly...he hears me talk about threads on here and how many raise porn as an issue everyday. He seems to think men shouldn't be jeopardising relationships over it/the industry. Of course could be just saying that. He does also think it is an industry that wants men addicted and that everyone ultimately loses out. He is quite self reflective, into self improvement (that sounds really wanky, but not sure how else to capture it); thinks quite deeply about why he and others do what they do and is quite self controlled (now, not as a younger man) about other things- food, alcohol, fitness etc. I do think questioning unthinking porn use has become part of that for some men (without women setting external boundaries). There are other more personal reasons too- aging, etc. ahem, so the impact of usage personally. There are actually numerous reasons he would say he now doesn't.

I believe him 99%. That is all I can do. I won't go looking without good reason. But if I became aware that it was all a front and he was just saying the words I would leave him. Mostly because he would have spun quite some lies. He does know this, so who knows ultimately what his motivation might be. I've seen multiple threads on here where I do trust the men who have said they'd stopped or don't use etc. I don't like the view that every man on earth (including all MN partners) uses porn as it isn't true. That said my (totally unscientific) view is...

90% plus of men do use porn
Of that 90% plus, almost all lie about it (whether use or frequency etc)

Chances are though if your man says he doesn't use it, he does, but lies. So, god knows where that leaves me. Trusting but also realistic that I might be proved a mug at some point?!!

I suspect if he has come at it more from a “its bad for me” approach it is much more likely to be true. It is all about the internal motivation.

I know what you mean about how the “self improvement” stuff sounds, though personally I think even if it gets a few people living healthier, getting off drugs/booze, sorting out stuff in their lives and particularly getting away from porn that is worth a silly sounding name.

I read an article a few years back trying to paint men trying to get off porn as “dangerous” my first thought was: do pornographers advertise on this site?

Default one on his phone yes

Porn is awful.

To me that's the equivalent of him paying a prostitute and/or violence against women & girls.

It's very much a dealbreaker.

It's not policing sexuality. It's not equivalent to wanking, which is fine.

But finding an no porn man is vv hard.