Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Family is a mess

18 replies

lostfunn · 18/02/2025 22:18

Hi…. I have a blended family of two step kids who’ve lost their mum and 3 kids together. Married 8yrs - husband was widowed when I met him. Marriage has been toxic from day one, he has always been violent with me, when pregnant and when not pregnant. Not just physical violence , emotional too. I don’t work, he says he’ll take everything from me. Name not on house. We’ve had numbers incidents where I’ve called the police out and now social services are involved at a very low level (absolutely distraught by this). I’ve had a few occasions of what I’ve now learnt is reactive abuse , where I’ve absolutely lost the plot and been screaming and shouting etc. it’s been horrendous over the years to be honest. I want to split but also want to try and make it work. I’ve stopped drinking, seeing a therapist and doing lots of work on myself. Go the gym daily. Husband doing nothing but being nice for a few days and when he doesn’t get sex (I’m working on trying to get all that back) he kicks off. But he’s not doing anything to change he just says the right things and does the right things for a bit and I know it’s hard because I’m emotionally detached at the moment I’m trying so hard. But one thing I need help with is , now social services are involved he keeps saying he’ll get my kids taken off me. That I’m unfit and they’re only involved because of me - not true it’s because of the domestic violence reports - wish I’d never reported them. Today my daughter was being extremely difficult and I said if she didn’t stop I’d smack her a*se but I’ve never ever hit my kids and I never would. It just came out my mouth, he’s saying he’s going to report me for it and I’m an unfit mother. I feel like I’m losing the plot I’m trying so hard to keep it together but he tells I’m all these things and everything is all my fault. I know I’m definitely not perfect but he’s just angry with me because I can’t turn my feelings back to what they were and because he’s not trying to seek any therapy or anything I kind of think, well why should I give my love and you’re not doing anything to change. Don’t really know what the point in my post is apart from to ask the question , will socials services look into me for saying that to my little girl if he tells them? I feel sick thinking about it. My kids are so well looked after and loved. We live a lovely life in a lovely house and I’ve never laid a finger on any of them - albeit I shout at them at times. There’s not neglect or abuse in the home apart from what he says to me. He doesn’t hit me anymore because I’ve photographed all the times he has. Everything is such a mess.

OP posts:
Flumpster34 · 18/02/2025 23:29

OP, I'm so sorry to hear this. For the life of me, I can't understand why you are still with him. The relationship is horribly abusive and the atmosphere in your home sounds toxic for the kids. Is it the fear of his threats to report you to Social Services? Because you have reported him to the police several times and social services are involved as a result, their main concern is likely to be your children staying in a place with ongoing abuse. If your partner reported you, they would look at him too so he can't take the kids either way.

Could you see a solicitor secretly and see if you are entitled to anything as the house is in his name?

Your partner is controlling you through fear. I hope you manage to leave him.

lostfunn · 18/02/2025 23:40

I know, I wish I'd have left years ago honestly. Alls that's happened is ive totally lost myself through it all. I am entitled to half of the house but only if I don't leave. If I leave the property so rent or otherwise , the courts will 'see my housing needs as met' and I wouldn't get anything. I've sent something to land registers which 'registers me as living here' which would stop the house being sold from underneath me but doesn't legally give me any rights to the property if you understand what I mean. I feel bad now because he's trying and I'm struggling to feel how I did about him. So he's getting wound up that I'm not 'trying' but I am. Just makes me feel like it's my fault. I'm so scared I'll lose my kids now as well , with the involvement of social services - it's just an absolute mess. Half of me hopes he'll go to a counsellor to try and sort himself out. I know the answer here is to just go but it's that messy to do it and now I've got added stress of the social workers 😣

OP posts:
AthenaPallas · 18/02/2025 23:47

You need to see a solicitor asap and start divorce proceedings. You will be entitled to at least half of the house, regardless of what's on the Land Registry. You are also in danger of losing your children because you're keeping them in a violent home, that alone should make you act decisively. You need to get your shitbag husband out of the house asap. Stop making excuses. You say "My kids are so well looked after and loved" well they're not really - you allow them to live with dangerously violent man - what effect do you think that has on them?
Good for you for not drinking and taking first steps to getting your life back, but for the love of your children and all you hold dear, get rid of him before he destroys you all. And he will try.

lostfunn · 19/02/2025 00:12

I have spoken to a solicitor last week. They've informed me of a non molestation order I could try and apply for to keep him out of the house while everything goes through. I just feel sly doing it all. I'm scared I won't get given it.

OP posts:
AthenaPallas · 19/02/2025 12:11

I think you should get in touch with Women's Aid - they have expert advice and support for people in your situation. They will help you, so please reach out to them. A non-mol order is probably not the best place to start. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

lostfunn · 19/02/2025 20:53

Why do you think it's not the best place to start please? Asking in a genuine way not a sarcastic way! Thanks so much for your support 💙

OP posts:
AthenaPallas · 19/02/2025 23:47

lostfunn · 19/02/2025 20:53

Why do you think it's not the best place to start please? Asking in a genuine way not a sarcastic way! Thanks so much for your support 💙

Because I think you need a much more comprehensive escape plan. If your solicitor is confident that you would get a non-mol, I would say go for it. But if it's refused, or if it's granted and he breaches it without any sanction... where would you be? Still trapped in a cycle of abuse, with your abuser in the house with you and the kids. You need him out of the home and start divorce proceedings and have ss on side when they see the steps you've taken to keep your children safe.
You are entitled legally to your share of the marital home, regardless of whether you're on the deeds or not.
Please contact Womens Aid and a solicitor. I wish you all the best.

Hibernatingtilspring · 20/02/2025 12:19

Agree that you need to seek legal advice as being married you'll have more rights to the house (or at least the equity) than you realise, regardless of whose name is on the deeds.

Regarding social services, they see actions as louder than words. Yes saying you'll smack a child isn't great, but social workers are human and understand that parenting is stressful - what you said doesn't negate all the other things you're actively doing to look after the children. They'll also see it as a positive if you're trying to separate from him if he's abusive.

lostfunn · 28/04/2025 03:58

I’ve left him!!!! Finally - it’s just the beginning but I’ve done it

OP posts:
333FionaG · 28/04/2025 04:09

Well done. Good luck with everything.

Darkambergingerlily · 28/04/2025 04:51

Op that’s amazing well done xxxx

Fraaances · 28/04/2025 05:22

Just because somebody says something, doesn’t mean it’s true. Report these threats to the police and let them know that this is what is holding you off leaving. He needs you more than you need him. If you go, who will look after HIS kids?

Fraaances · 28/04/2025 05:23

Oh boy! I want to just take everything I just said back and congratulate you! I’m so proud of you!!! I wish you and your kids a happy and safe life!

Fraaances · 28/04/2025 05:25

I wrote on the wrong post

Changeissmall · 28/04/2025 05:26

Well done. How did you do it? Do you have all 5 DC or only your own?

Fraaances · 28/04/2025 05:30

@lostfunn - probably best not to answer this in case DH is trawling for info.

hattie43 · 28/04/2025 06:30

Jeez your poor kids living in this shit show. Well done for getting rid

MoreChocPls · 28/04/2025 06:58

You seem to have been downplaying how much of a nasty abusive shit your dh is. Great to see you’ve left but seriously.. hope you have woken up to much vile he is, and he was/is never going to change. He’s scum. Continue forward, be strong, and good luck.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page