Husband can't handle his anger

[Warmcuppa]

I (f30) have been married to husband (m35) for 8 years. I love him very much and in many ways he is a good man. He works hard, has bought us a lovely house, he is fun to talk and spend time with.

But I have started to wonder if aspects of my relationship are abusive. The behaviour has become normal to me, but when I mentioned a little of it to a colleague, they questioned if I was being abused. But this doesn't happen that often.

My husband gets extremely angry with me at times, often when I am anxious or depressed and will call me names and swear at me for example 'stupid little f-word, pathetic c-word' When he shouts I lose my voice and cannot speak and that annoys him even more. I often shut down and cannot talk for sometimes several hours after he starts shouting and he thinks I'm doing it on purpose.

He doesn't hit me and isn't physically abusive, but sometimes he uses threats. I told him I was going to record one of his outbursts because I wanted him to hear how he speaks to me when he's calm - the swearing etc. I even threatened to tell his mother because they are very close and I thought she may be able to convince him it's not ok to speak to me this way. He said if I tried he'd smash my phone up and he'd divorce me.

Recently he was sat next to me in bed saying some pretty awful things after id annoyed him and I couldn't talk but really wanted it to stop. I shouldn't have done it but I flicked his earlobe (that sounds ridiculous I know but I wanted to get his attention and to snap him out of shouting). He put his fist to my face and said if I did that again he would smash my face in.

I'm aware if I heard this from someone else, I'd tell them it was abusive, but 90% of the time he is very kind and I know he suffers from mild depression and feel like he just can't handle his emotions.

I want to try couples counselling but he is resistant to try it as he feels everything is ok.

I feel very sad a lot of the time recently and can't imagine my life without him, but I'm starting to question if I can put up with this forever.

Yes it is very abusive, you need to take action - how can you be ok with all this? Is it something you've experienced before and normalised?

Leave. It's only time before that fist does smash into your face. Please leave.

BTW you can't do couple counselling with an abusive and possibly violent partner - get some advice from someone like the National Domestic Abuse helpline, they'll help you to see what is going on - its open 24/7:

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Please leave him and get to safety. This man is absolutely an abuser.

Jesus wept.

He's horrific.

An abuser through and through.

Really not a good man.

I hope you can escape.

@Warmcuppa you've posted on another thread a week or so ago supporting someone going through abuse and said that your ex was the same, so how do you not recognise what's happening now?

Yes this is abusive and take the threats seriously leave now before he hurts you

Can't believe this is the 2nd time this evening I've posted this link but - yes, it's abuse, and yes, the times when he's being 'lovely' are also abuse because that's when you're so relieved that you're not being yelled and and threatened that it feels like a reprieve. Please read this, on the cycle of abuse: https://www.verywellhealth.com/cycle-of-abuse-5210940

Is it just you he can’t control his temper around, or does he call friends and colleagues cunts as well?

Dear God that's horrific 😨- no question - he is an abusive twat and you need to leave asap- the 'good times' in no way negate this- there is no excuse for this behaviour you poor thing please get out of there. You cannot do couples counselling with an abuser and I hope there are no kids in the mix.

Does his "mild depression" cause him to lash out like this at other people - his mum, his boss, bigger men? Or does he manage to control it around everyone apart from you?

Time to start planning your exit from this abusive marriage. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He’s crossed that line and abuse is not just solely physical.

Abuse is not a relationship problem. It’s about power and control and he wants absolute here. Couples counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

i would urge you to contact both Women’s Aid for further support along with a solicitor to advise you on divorce.

What he is also showing you here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

The threats of violence will be crossed one day into actual violence and once that line is crossed it'll become second nature for him to hit you when you displease him in anyway.
Get yourself away from him.

Don't do couple's counselling with him.

You might benefit from having a look at the cycle of abuse and see if it resonates.

He's abusive; he calls you names, loses his temper and threatens you.

You say he can't control his temper. Has he called his boss names or threatened them? How about his friends and family? Is he shouting, calling them names and threatening them at gatherings?

If not, it seems he can control his temper and takes it out on you.

I'm a therapist and we don't do couples counselling when there is any form of abuse going on. It's not a safe space in the room and can cause the power to shift even further towards the abuser. I'd suggest counselling or therapy for you alone op to work out why your staying and to help you leave it sounds awful for you

He wants to smash you up.
How is he good and fun
Get away fast.

Look.up "cycle of abuse "

Remember that bullies are nice sometimes

He is abusive and you absolutely shouldn’t try and arrange couples counselling as it is not safe to have when domestic abuse is involved. If you feel safe to do so you should show him this image and highlight he is in fact an abuser and put the responsibility in his hands to address it, whether that be through doing a perpetrator programme or by seeking help to manage his emotions. Please be mindful though abusers rarely change and instead their behaviour will escalate, especially when faced with the possibility of someone ending the relationship.

OP please don't accuse him of abuse or challenge him. It looks like he's escalating the abuse and it's unsafe.

I bet he doesn’t raise his fists at his Mum or work colleagues does he? He can 100% control his anger!

He is a disgusting excuse of a man - who is nasty and abusive!

Leave him now before he does hit you or really physically harms you. Find your strength and go, please.