Mental anguish

[Chucks23]

I don’t even know why I am posting here as I know I am going to be judged but I need to reach out to someone. I have been with my partner 20 years, we’ll be married 3 years this year. We have 2 children with the youngest 18 months. When I had my second child, my life turned upside down, I developed post natal depression and Pmdd. I’ve always had anxiety but this was a huge blow to me in every way. I am a stay at home mother and have literally spent the last 2 years in a bad mental state with little to no support. While my husband has been supportive to some extent, he has never really understood how difficult it has been for me. In the last 2 months, I have started feeling a bit better in myself. I stupidly started talking to a guy online who is also married, no kids. We’ve been having some sexting and video calls. He kept pushing to meet me in person which I was against until he broke me down and I agreed to meet him. I have met him twice in last month and had sex with him. We said it was only fun and if it got complicated it had to stop. Since our last meet, we both said that we couldn’t stop thinking about it and it couldn’t happen again as things would become worse. We both said we didn’t want to lose our marriages! I know , how selfish can one be! Anyway we have now cut ties completely and I’m devastated. My mental health has deteriorated massively in the past few days! I feel sick! He made me feel good, he complimented me! I feel like the most disgusting human being for what I have done! The betrayal and deceit towards my family. But yet had this man wanted to have continued I would have. It only lasted a month, how can I feel like this. I am torn as to tell my husband and destroy my family or say nothing and forget about this man! I know I am going to be shamed, I already know what a vile human I am and my mental health is in the pan! Please help! 😢

You've used an affair to self medicate instead of addressing your mental health issues. The first thing you need to do is get proper help. After that when you're feeling more stable you can have a look at your marriage and your future.

You can't really blame pnd for choosing to meet and have sex with this man.

Thank you for your reply. That’s the thing. I have spent a long time trying different approaches, various medications, therapy etc none of which were of benefit. I started taking supplements which have benefited me or else my hormones had started to balance out and I felt good. But since this has happened, I have gone back to a bad way so I suppose I was never starting to heal after all. I don’t know what to do 😢

How old is your other DC.... are you SAHM for past three years or longer

The thing didn't 'happen' in fairness, did it? You went out of your way to make it happen despite not wanting to lose your marriage and the intense guilt it's caused. I doubt such self destructive behaviour is entirely seperate from your mental health problems. It can take a long time and patience to find something that helps, but you really should keep trying.

My eldest will be 4 in June so yes have been sahm since then.

Agree with the PP who said focus on getting back on your feet in terms of mental health first ....then you can figure out the best way for your marriage ...

Dont rush into confessing to DH just to break up the marriage and be with OM ....give it say three months to get back mental clarity ...six months if that is what you need ....you may decide when you have clarity that you want to confess to DH as its the right thing to do but also explain how unsupported and lost you felt in the lead up to , you may decide in 6 months that actually you want to fix your marriage and not leave it ... the OM 'breakup' pain might feel intense now, but you will have perspective and clarity in a couple of months, stay strong , stay calm , focus on yourself and your DC , one day at a time.

Thank you for your understanding message. I literally cannot stop crying and despise myself for doing this. I was starting to feel good and instead of continuing on that path, I chose to destroy everything! I know there is no excuse but I think deep down, it was the attention he gave me, he made me feel so good about myself. It was something outside of being a Mom. I am happy that it hasn’t continued although I am finding it hard as I was starting to develop feelings. I feel so lost! 😢 I agree with all the comments and know that I have done this intentionally without regard for my family. I am paying the price but feel if I confess and lose everything, I dread to think what i would do!

You made a mistake and are now aware of it/owning up to it at least to yourself , acknowledging it as a betrayal despite the context and plausible justifications - you havent 'destroyed everything' , your life and your path is still in your hands. Take it one day at a time and work on fixing this to the outcome that you want. Even if six months down the line, you still are 'in love' with OM and want out, it doesnt seem like thats what he wants as he is married too and wants to fix his marriage , so letting go of OM was the brave and right thing to do. first step done already, - compliment yourself, love yourself, pamper yourself for having done this one big first step already , even if it wasnt something that you actively did as much as agreed was best and let happen its still big and right. That will give you the strength for step 2 and the other steps back to finding your way to the life you want. And plus if you are hitting yourself over this, you will stay vulnerable to compliments/love from outside. Forgive yourself first so you have the strength and clarity to do the right thing now for the kids and your family.

Thank you for your kind words. It really helps given the situation x

Get tested for STD’s and seek therapy.