Wife's Hidden Friendship Worries Me

[NatalieMum]

I'm hoping someone here can help ease my worries. Just to clarify upfront, I am the husband in this situation. Not sure why I chose this username, but I wanted to make it clear I am a guy.
My wife and I are both in our late thirties and have been married for over ten years. We have a seven year old daughter and live just outside London. About five years ago, my wife came out as bisexual. Not because she wanted to act on it, but just so I would know. It has never been an issue in our marriage.
Two years ago, she landed a new job with a significant pay raise and a team to manage. The workload increased, but we adjusted. I took on more of the household and childcare responsibilities and I was happy to do so.
Two months ago, a male friend reached out saying he had been out at a restaurant with his wife and was pretty sure he saw my wife there with another woman. I told him he must be mistaken because my wife had texted me earlier saying she was working late at the office. Just to confirm, I messaged her asking if she was still at work and she replied yes. But then my friend sent me a photo of her at the restaurant with a woman I did not recognize.
When she got home, I asked where she had been and she insisted she worked late and had ordered Deliveroo to the office. When I confronted her with the photo, she admitted she had gone out to dinner with her boss but did not tell me because she thought I would say it was a waste of money. She was also furious about the photo, calling it an invasion of privacy.
After a longer conversation, it turns out they have dinner together almost every week. My wife does not see it as a big deal since it is work related. The issue is this woman fits my wife's type physically, but when I brought that up, my wife dismissed it, saying she does not find her attractive at all.
What makes me uneasy is that my wife has barely mentioned this woman in the past two years. I even searched our texts and emails and there is no mention of her name anywhere. My wife insists I am overreacting, that this woman is married to a man, has two kids, and is straight. She also swears there is nothing between them.

My wife is angry and saying I should be happy she has a friend. That they are just work friends and if she leaves she doubts they would stay in touch. For me I can't get my head around how much my wife has lied to me and so cooly.

Am I overreacting?

You are not overreacting. Even if there is no emotional or physical affair, she has lied repeatedly and betrayed your trust. Once broken, this is very difficult to get back. Frankly, weekly dinner with the same person when you have kids is excessive (I think) unless there is more to it. And denying she finds them attractive when she's clearly her type is a bit of a red flag, she's being dismissive and making you question your reality, when you know you're right. Out of interest, would you have been annoyed about finances if she went out for dinner once a week? Is it possible that she was genuinely worried about this? But still not a reason not to mention someone you spend that much social time with. I know others would find it intrusive but she has broken your trust and I'd be asking to see their phone messages for reassurance. Twould be telling if she has deleted them or says no.

We aren't struggling, but my wife has been very keen the past year that way don't spend any unnecessary money so we can save for a new car deposit.

Of course nobody knows for certain and it could all be completely innocent.
But any reasonable person is going to have their suspicions…….

Yeah I’d be worried about this. I would be really open about having dinner with my friend, it wouldn’t occur to me to not mention it or lie about it.

I'd be wondering what my friend had seen that made him suspicions. Unless he knows she's Bi, why would he think it was more than friends.

People lie when there's something to hide.
I'm sorry you're going through this but if it were a woman posting about a man she'd be told to leave him this, leave him that

So she wants to save money for a car but has made a conscious choice to go out for secret weekly dinners but is worried you'll be upset about money even though she's the one who wants to save it??

Agree - the more i think about it, the more likely it is that she’s having an affair.
I’m sorry op, she is almost certainly playing you.

Having a meal out with her boss, seems a really odd thing to lie about to me. You asked where she was, she lied. You asked again once she came home, she lied and only admitted the truth when faced with photographic evidence. If the weekly meal, is so innocent, then why not tell you about it? I mean an 'Oh Bob, I will be home late tonight, as having dinner with Harriet, my boss', would be sufficient! Her excuse that she thought you'd be cross with her for wasting money, could be true and her weekly dinners may be completely innocent. However, she's still lied to you, and would have continued to do so, if you hadn't shown her the picture. That's not healthy.

What was it about their dinner that made your friend tell you about it? Why didn’t he just say hi to her and leave it at that? I also think it’s strange that she ‘came out’ to you. Why would she even think she needed to do that in a committed relationship. I’m sure some will disagree with me. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

It's the lies that end things in any relationship, they are so hard to get over. Whether or not she and her boss are doing anything, doesn't really matter, your DW chose to lie to you about it.

As for saying her boss is married to a man and she has kids ... well so does your wife.

I'm so sorry OP, whatever is or isn't happening, it's hard to go through not knowing and now you will find it much harder to trust what she says knowing she lied so readily over weekly dinners. You have time to consider what you want to do with this information. At the very least she should be canning the weekly dinner out if she is really trying to save for a deposit and to try and regain your trust. If she is still defiant, consider how your future looks

It's the lying that raised the red flag.

Talk to your friend again.
If I saw my friends wife with another woman having dinner I'd assume it's friends having dinner, UNLESS there was a definite romantic vibe. I would bet that your friend could tell you more if you ask for a very honest description of what he saw.

Bit odd that the friend felt the need to "reach out" about it, and take a photo as "proof" - sounds like he's either stirring the pot or had good reason to feel it was noteworthy/ suspicious?

This let alone take a photo.

Coming out to you at that stage of your relationship screams intent.

Saving money wouldn't include Deliveroo in my book.

Your friend saw more than they have said so far.

I think your relationship is probably over.