Mum is so selfish!!

[Ariesburn]

Just that really, I've never known such a selfish person in all my life. This is a bit of a rant so apologises but just don't have anyone to talk to.

So long story short, I've got court on the 11th of march I've got a court case for a non molestation order going through for a previous ex. That in itself is a long story but this is about how selfish my mum is. So asked my mum if she could have my daughter and youngest boy for me that day, she said she's working the night before and will need to sleep. She does 3 sometimes 4 nights a week. I said ok, my brother said he will have them for me means my youngest boy will have to be off school as I need to leave here at 8am to meet my solicitor for 9am as the hearing starts at 10am. He lives an hour and half away. That week my mums going to my brothers for her annual leave which is annoying as she said she was 'working' my brother says to her I'm having the kids for my sister so she can attend the court hearing she gets the ass says 'oh I wanted to spend the week with my son' 'why do you have to have the kids for her' 'oh I just won't come down then' my brother says she has no one else and needs to attend this important hearing mum it's only for a few hours in the morning then she will pick them up, plus your down the Monday anyways it's only a day, she moans about this even though they are her grandchildren mind but says ok, so I've also been really down and depressed which she knows I've been wanting to get back to work and trying to get a job that fits round the kids, anyways I've got an interview this Thursday for a job I used to do in the nhs which I loved, I had asked her ages ago if she would sit with the kids for two hours just so I can travel there and back and so I can attend the interview she says no I'm working the night before I was like ok. Anyways I find out she isn't working I ask her again and stressing to her that I really need to go to this interview and that it will really help me getting a job etc she agrees to do it.

Then this morning she messages me two days before the interview and says I'm not having the kids. Don't get me wrong I've managed to sort someone else out but I hate asking this person as they also have 4 children themselves, I had a pop at my mum because I'm just sick of never getting help from her, I understand that she works but it's for a job interview and I asked because of an important court case she never wants to help or try and support me she lives 10 mins away and I'm just so angry about it all because it's not so I can go away, or so I can get drunk or it's a date it's actually for things that are important and she can't do shit for me ever.

It's extremely lonely being on my own with 4 kids and I've even said to her how I'm feeling but she just doesn't want to ever help. I'm ranting because I've never known anyone soo fucking selfish in all my life, yes they are my kids but she's 10 mins away and it's for couple hours max!!!!

Please don't comment on this thread if you're going to make smart comments because they won't be taken so well. I just don't get why she don't want to help especially when she knows I struggle and have no one else to help me out ever. I'm always doing stuff for her taking her here and there, helping with forms and she also wants me to help with her passport but I've told her no I'm not doing anything anymore for her. She cancels me all the time last min too. I'm just so fed up of having family that just don't want to help me out. It's not even all the time I ask, I only ask if it's super important like these two things are. I don't even know why I'm posting I'm just ranting. I just think to myself why do I bother with her the woman don't do shit for me and all it is with her is drama anyways. Ergh rant over!

She's an absolute disgrace. Just cut her off completely.

Your brother sounds lovely. I too would just dump your mum, she is a drain and you can’t afford a drain. Just no to everything from now on, and if you feel like it the odd ‘if I had lots of grandparent help like you did when we were young I might have had the time but I don’t have any help, so I just don’t have any time. I’m sure you’ll work something out bye.’ I hope you can medicate up and get through the interview, good luck!!

@Ariesburn please go to the interview! i am sure you'll regret it. I expect you would go if you weren't feeling demoralised in general.

Have a coffee and paracetamol it might be all you need to power through it.

I want to go but I'm full of cold, coughing, pounding headache, ears blocked, nose is sore and red from blowing it the last few days and my throat feels like razors, I thought I'd feel better by today at least but I feel worse. I've emailed and asked if they would interview me next week so I can get better we shall see what they say. I do feel shit if honest, deflated.

It’s good you are starting to say no now.

Because if she had an operation or becomes older at home it will be you that will be expected to run round after her because “she won’t want to bother your brother or sister”

She's already told me I'm next of kin. I'm the eldest which means everything will be left for me to sort which I'm really unhappy about. My brother didn't speak to my mum for years because of her selfish ways and my sister doesn't live with her anymore either she moved out last Feb. Oh yeah off course and if I didn't my name would be officially black listed in the family. I don't really bother with my nan because she's the same usually has something shitty to say about me yet she babysits my cousins kids so they can work. I just get told to get on with it. I'm just getting to the stage now with my mum where I just don't want to know her anymore. I've had enough of it all.

Yes, disappointed yes but it is not her responsibility you have 4 kids, so best not rely on her and make your own wany in life, we are all responsible for our own choices, ypu don't have to help if you don't want but think the label selfish is unfair because of your choices

You need to withdraw from her. Get tge job and pay for childcare when you need it. Stop bending over backwards to help her ... you'll be too busy when you get the new job.

My choices? If you knew the back ground of my life you wouldn't say my choices. I will not go into detail of my past. I didn't sit there when I was a little girl and think you know what I want to do when I'm older I want to be a single mum of 4 so before you say choices no woman gets pregnant expecting to be bringing them up on their own years down the line. Family what does family mean to you? Family is to me is meant to be a supportive team who help and cheer you on. I don't get this ever with my family. Yet they all cheer on others in the family. No my children are not my mums responsibility BUT in special circumstances like COURT and a JOB INTERVIEW I would like a little bit of help and support with this. Personally if my children needed this in their futures I would be there hands down. Just because I'm an adult and have my own kids don't mean I don't need some help and support at times. Oh you're now a grown adult and I've done my time just doesn't sit right with me. Sorry. That's my opinion. You don't have kids and think once they are of age you don't need to do anything for them after.

I will do. As I said I've had enough of it. She will end up regretting it when she's on her death bed and no one is surrounding it.

OP, it’s not you it’s her! I am a Mum & me and my husband would drop whatever we were doing for our kids whatever it was. I have already been informed by my children that I have to do exactly what my parents did when I had children ie look after them to enable us to work. Even though we joke that we are going to sell up & travel the world the pair of them just look at us and say you’ll never do that once you have grandchildren so stop lying. You’ll want to do everything with them which is true but I enjoy the charade of saying nope I want to travel. It is heartwarming to know that your own children are looking forward to seeing their parents bond with their children.

Why because those are our children & if they can’t turn to us for whatever it maybe then we have failed as parents. Your mother is incredibly selfish & I am trying really hard to be polite.

I never understand the people on here who will criticise others on here for having an expectation that they can call on family for help & support when they start a family. It’s this mentality of you chose to have children so look after them yourself?’ What is a family for then? It takes a village to raise children not childminders or nurseries. That is your flesh & blood so why are you unable to help & support but then complain in your later years that your children don’t come to see you and you don’t understand why!

Pls take a step back from her, don’t ask her for anything and definitely do not leave your children with her. As of now you are unavailable to her. If she can’t even support her daughter at a time when she has had to get a non-molestation order out for her own safety then what type of mother is she!

Were you successful in getting the order? Sorry I don’t wish to pry but I hope you did & that it gives you some comfort.

Honestly I am livid on your behalf and then knowing you have a job interview and to then say she can’t look after her own grandchildren 🤬🤬🤬 does she not want to see her daughter & grandchildren in a good place and doing well?? Do keep any messages where she has let you down as she sounds like the person who will spin the narrative that her daughter doesn’t care about her or allows her to see her grandchildren. She is an outsider keep her firmly there.

What was she like when you were growing up?

Being a Grandparent is a privilege and some people just don’t deserve to be. I am glad your brother was straight with her but even he must of thought why are you talking like that about your own grandchildren?!

I sincerely wish you luck for your interview on Thursday. I am sending you lots of good wishes for your interview, go in there & smash it!!!! and pls if you don’t mind let us know how it went?

Sending you a big Mumsnet hug 🤗

OP, pls go to your interview! Lots of water & vitamins tday and rest if you can but this job is important for you & your little family.

You can do this 💪🏼

My childhood wasn't the best. That's another story. My mum has always been selfish really it's only in the recent years I've noticed it and then reflected back on when I was younger. All my mum cares about is herself. I've got another hearing for the non mole on the 11th of march. Hoping it will be ended then as it's the third hearing, the courts have let me down too because they fucked up big time so having to go through all this is a lot of stress too. I've explained all this to her how I've been feeling and how low I have been and I just want to get back into to work but she doesn't give two shits. She moaned about my youngest daughter always crying at her before and I said it's because you don't see her 'oh I don't have time' 'I work a lot of hours' she lives 10 mins away and most weeks works 3 night shifts. I've never had any support of her if honest I had post natal with my eldest and she used to dump my sister on me every weekend so she could go out and get pissed with her boyfriend at the time. Never helped towards money as I had to provide my sister with food etc even though back then I struggled as I was on my own with a newborn. She said to my ex husband when I first started seeing him in 2012 'she's had half of Clacton' luckily I knew him for years before hand and he knew me and knew I wasn't like that. Then she also said to my daughter's dad when I first started seeing him 'least all my children are from the same father' he couldn't believe it. This is the sort of shit I deal with, with my own mum. She's actually not a nice person but I have always bothered with her, always helped her and as I said out of us 3 kids always got her presents for Xmas, birthdays and mothers day yet she can't be bothered with my birthday or my kids! Not even a card! It's just got to the point now where I think why do I bother? What does this woman actually do for me? It won't be a loss but when she does eventually end up on her death bed I think maybe she will realise 'oh shit' but I won't be there. My auntie (her sister) is the complete opposite to her and I don't get why. Growing up I was the built in childminder for her and my dad I was 12 years older than my sister so when I turned 13/14 I ended up being the one looking after her all the time, cooking for her and my brother, giving her baths, putting her to bed and taking her and getting her to and from nursery after and before school myself as both parents worked. Again when I remind her of this she has a selective memory. When I think back to all this as a child it makes me soo angry as my childhood was very minimal because from a young age I was bringing up my own sister. Was never allowed out, sleepovers or anything 🤣 because I was too relied on for being the built in childminder to save them money!

Oh and not forgetting the chores I had to do too. Soo washing up, loading the dishwasher, washing, hoovering and dusting! I was like a Cinderella!!! No wonder I did shit at school and had to re do my math and English to get into university at 30 years of age. So there you go a little bit of my past but far from it all.

I would move further away OP as soon as the time is right, once kids going to school can be accommodated

If I knew you I would look after your kids so you can go to court, or for an interview, like you say it's not like you are asking so you could "heaven fucking forbid mother" have some fun!

Your only concern and your dependents are your children now.

"Sorry can't help got 4 kids to look after"
"Sorry can't help job hunting"

We can help with easy breezy sorry can't messages OP.

You are the strong one she can't do a passport form alone FFS.

Hope court and all any interviews go well.

@Ariesburn What is your relationship like with your siblings with you & then with that poor excuse of a woman you call ‘mother’?

The only thing you can do now is go no contact with her she is toxic and you need to protect yourself. You have carried the load long enough now just focus solely on your little family and trust me you will be happier for it.

Honestly I would offer to help you but sounds like you live down south and I am at the other end of the country.

Be the most amazing Mum to your children so they know what a ‘Mum’ is. Take all of the negativity out of your life and plan ahead for you not others. Build up your own community where other Mums can support one another.

That starts with the job interview tomorrow, your feeling unwell as you have been under a lot of stress but let’s turn this into a positive & the first step is the job interview. This is exactly what I would say to my children & when you get back get some food in & just close the door on the outside world and have precious family time with your family. There is no greater medication than that.

Went to my interview literally had to dose up and power through 🤣 I'm thinking it went ok but will find out tomorrow.

Now I feel like pure ass but I went and I did it!

My mother was dreadful so I do sympathise. Nothing you can do will make any difference, her personality was set a long time ago.
For me I was much happier moving away and never visiting.

OP, please step away from her completely, no matter the cost.

She thinks so little of you but will expect you to be her carer/skivvy.

Stop it now.
Ring Women's aid for a chat.
You have been abused by this horror your whole life.

Don't allow her near you or your children.

I worked with a woman like you.
Absolutely lovely woman who put herself through university as her mother and father wouldn't contribute as they thought she should take a local 9-5 job and be at their beck and call.

Her 4 selfish brothers treated her poorly too.
She qualified as an accountant and lived locally briefly, but quickly moved away.
She married a great guy and lives a great life.
Her MIL is a total doll.
She keeps in contact with friends from school who always knew of her success and her family would hear about her from others.
Her mother reached out to her several times but she told her she has her precious boys to help.
Shd doesn't want to see her and actually went on holiday when her father died to deliberately avoid his funeral.

Not one of her precious boys is around for caring duties and her daughter doesn't go near her.
She doesn't care a whit for inheritance, she has earned her own.
Peace away from her mother and family has been a gift she gave herself.

If you pull completely away now, they will not be surprised when you refuse to have any part of her elder care.

Being involved with elder care of your abusive parent is so bad for your mental health.

Don't do it.
Don't do it for your children.
Protect yourself for them.

Update for everyone who wanted to know.

I didn't get the job, interviewed really well but where I'm not flexible they couldn't give me the job. Feel a bit deflated but it is what it is.

She sounds like she is nothing but hassle, I’d drop her like a hot coal, it’s not like she helps you in anyway.
My mother is also just as selfish, I don’t bother with her anymore, she then moans I never visit! If your not going to act like your apart of a family, don’t expect to be part of the family.
She has four (adult) children and she only has the hope of my youngest sibling helping her in her old age, because I certainly won’t be doing it, she is a terrible mum, you reap what you sow.

Happy to report I’m a fantastic mum and even help my children now they are adults too. Both of them have grown up to be loving humans with good jobs and hopeful futures. It’s not that hard to be a good parent, some people just shouldn’t have ever been parents.

Your mother has really made use of you throughout your life. Shame on her.

Get some distance from her to free yourself. Incredibly selfish woman. Good parents have empathy and will do their best for their children, regardless of their age. She doesn't do a thing, but expects you to be there for her.

I hope life goes well for you

Hope things get better for you

Sadly your mother lacks the milk of human kindness.
I wouldn’t ever ask her again and I would make sure I didn’t ever help her in her hour of need either.