Depressed DH… don’t know what to do.

[ScoutBennett]

Any advice appreciated. I feel I am coming to the end of my tether. Have been married more than 10 years, have a lovely healthy dc, supportive family. Live in a nice house in a pretty area - big mortgage but we pay it every month and don’t have credit card debt or things on finance. Both enjoy good health and have friends.
When dh is happy, all is great. I love him, I think he’s attractive, we get on really well. However he gets these down periods, I’m not sure how else to describe them, maybe 4-6 times a year, it’s difficult to say. He becomes incredibly low, quite grumpy, angry, resentful. I’ve tried suggesting he sees a therapist/goes on ADs but that really upsets him and he says me saying that makes him depressed. Sometimes he has these horrible evenings - I hate them - where he rages and storms around before eventually lying on the sofa crying. He threatens to kill himself sometimes, though hasn’t recently. Last time was in august last year.
I feel he’s on the edge of another one now. Nothing obvious sparks it - it’s often work stress related but sometimes he can deal with work stress no problem. He often says he feels like a failure and he’s failed in life and should have made different choices - were comfortable but not wealthy, and he went to a private school and good university, and lots of his peers are making loads in banking etc. however I try to point out we have a lot to be grateful for but that winds him up.
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. My entire being, sometimes, is dedicated to making him happy. Part of me also resents it and feels like really he has a very nice life and should just cheer up, which I know isn’t sympathetic. Any advice appreciated.

Well you dont have the cure for depression do you Op? So he has to see a specialist if he wants to help himself.

Next time he threatens Suicide phone the emergency services. That'll stop him.

You can’t help him. You’re not qualified. As op said, if he threatens suicide again call the police and have them attend and take him to be assessed. You can’t continue like this and the fact that he won’t seek help is bullshit. He knows there’s a problem and he should be getting help for the sake of his children and his marriage. It’s selfish of him not to. Also, what is this teaching the children? Nothing healthy. 6 times a year is every 8 weeks. That’s a lot. He needs professional intervention or he has to move out. That’s what I would be telling him because it’s bad for you and the children.

When he's in one of his "moods", is he like it with everyone? I mean, does he treat his extended family, colleagues or friends like this or is it only ever you? If it's only you, then he's using you as an emotional punchbag simply because you're easy pickings. Even if he is genuinely depressed, it doesn't mean he has a right to treat you like shit. It's something that men are far too fond of in my experience. I think you need to re-evaluate your life OP.

From my experience with a family member, this sounds a lot like bipolar. A doctor once told me that bipolar is in some ways worse for the family of the sufferer than it is for the sufferer themselves, because you're always waiting for the next crash. But it can be managed well with medication.
Can you have a conversation about this when he's in a good phase, or is he dismissive of your worries?

OP this sounds really hard. Has he ever been checked for bipolar? I mean first steps though is him wanting support and asking for help from the GP. I probably have similar symptoms but mine is ADHD. They did think it was Bipolar for a few years though but mine wasn’t as regular as 6-8 weeks so less of a cycle (that’s why I mention it to you).

Also to add as poster about has said, meds for bipolar are out there and can help regulate it a bit.

thank you everyone. I’d not considered bipolar disorder…I thought that was extreme high then extreme low, whereas dh is normal/positive a lot of the time and then…crash.
@ginasevern I remember in august/September last year, which was a really bad period, I did say to him ‘you don’t talk to your colleagues like this’ and he got really frustrated, because there was no answer to that, he normally says ‘yes but married people snap at each other sometimes’ and I know that’s true but I sometimes don’t think the way he is is ‘normal’. I’ve lost sight of what ‘normal’ is.
one other thing that bothers me is when he is like this he is so unbelievably angry about his colleagues. Not to their face, I think he maintains quite a calm demeanour at work from what I can tell, but am home will call them all sorts of horrible names - really nasty. I’ve met most of them and they’re alright - I’m sure they can be annoying like any colleague but certainly not horrible. He went through a really bad phase a year or so ago of just ranting about certain colleagues for over an hour, and whenever I tried to change the topic he’d get really angry, said I wasn’t listening to him.
I don’t know why I’m writing all this now. The sad thing is that recently things have been much better between us, and it’s only just the last day or two I’ve sensed a drop. He’s spent the evening in bed as he’s suddenly really tired - this is what happens he either gets exhausted or angry. I just feel at the end of my tether. I don’t want to be his emotional punchbag anymore. Also one thing is that if I’m totally honest I don’t want my daughter to have a husband who can behave like this. I feel really bad saying that but it’s increasingly at the back of my mind.
I’ve never spoken to anyone about it. I think my friends would be shocked - he doesn’t behave like this in front of them at all.

How long has be been like this? Does he drink a lot, take any drugs?

I’d give him an ultimation, get help (therapy and medication) or end the marriage as you need a happy marriage to stay together

Also suicidal thoughts, I’d phone the GP myself or if urgent present him at A&E for assessment or call the police.

I recommend Why Women Talk and Men Walk book. It's written by a male-female team of family therapists

Also start talking to your family and your friends. You need support.

i agree about him being a poor role model to your DD. She needs to see parents in a normal loving relationship

I could have written this about my husband OP. He goes through phases of being depressed, full of anxiety, and he takes it all out on me. It'll be silent treatment until he snaps out of it. He sleeps a lot at these times as well.
He manages to get through the day at work without treating anyone like shit so it's just at home.
He is diagnosed with adhd, ocd and anxiety from his GP.

I don't think it's an excuse to behave toward me the way he does, so I generally just ignore him now and get on with my life. I think at one point I wasn't helping either of us because I was fussing around and trying to make him happy. I've realised I can't do that.

OP I wouldn't jump straight to bipolar, it really sounds like burnout to me. He needs to go to straight to the gp though, it's not fair or healthy for you and your DCs