Desperate handhold needed

[Peppermintpatty56]

don't know what else to do but write here. I'm devastated and I've never felt more alone in my whole life.

My dh and I have been married for 14 years, together 21. We've had A LOT of trauma and shit. We have 4 kids and 2 are quite severe SEN. Another has complex medical issues although she's an adult now. I also have chronic illnesses and they've been multiple hospitals admissions, we almost lost our dd last year. It's a lot of stuff accumulated over a lot of years.

Admittedly we've lost ourselves in the stress. Recently dh has been signed off work with stress and I know it's bad. But I thought we still had the strong foundations. We've always had strength and humour. It's been hard, but we were a team.

He drinks to cope. Not loads, but he does. He knows it's a problem, I know it is too. If I had to label it I'd say high functioning alcohol dependant.
There's resentment from me about it definitely and there's resentment from him that he's become my carer as well as husband and I'm a different person in a lot of ways. I know I've lost myself.

Tonight he told me he thinks he wants to move out. He thinks we'd be better apart and we'd both get space and respite. Im absolutely devastated. I agree we need work, but I thought that's what we could do together.
I'm not sure he wants to.

I don't know what to do with myself.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You have clearly both reached breaking point. Perhaps a bit of space might help. He needs to address the drinking, but it’s good that he realises its a problrm.

Can you get any external support with the DCs? Would your husband be willing to have some marriage guidance counselling to help you work through things?

Oh, bless you - that sounds like a lot to deal with!

Is there any possibility that when you say he said it 'tonight' that he may have had one too many to drink and you can maybe discuss things when he hasn't today and suggest some couples counselling to work through things together? x

I'm so sorry, this sounds like such a lot to deal with.
Is he proposing you live separately but remain a couple, or split up?
Could some couples counselling be a first step before he makes any decisions?
Sending you strength 💜

Thanks for replying. We talked a lot, all morning in fact and we got a lot pit in the open. He admitted that he was letting the depression talk and he wasn't thinking about the bigger picture. He said he doesn't want to leave and absolutely will go for counselling individually and as a couple.

But I still feel absolutely broken. I feel like he's dropped this huge bomb of shit and although it needed to happen, I'm still so upset. It doesn't help I didn't sleep last night.

I was fine when we talked, it all made a lot of sense and it went the way I wanted it to.

But now I'm really not fine at all

I’m guessing there’s no respite from the kids or illnesses which is enough to break most people.

I would be making some big changes because one conversation isn’t going to be enough.

There will have to be changes, and hopefully counselling will give some sort of clarity.

One thing I've definitely realised is I sat on the thought of "we'll be alright because we're strong". I let that thought lead me into a false sense of security that he felt the same and we'd always be ok in the end.
Very much realising it isn't that simple

Practically speaking I guess we need to direct money too ourselves because it's the only way we're going get any respite or help in any way

As PP have said, this all sounds incredibly tough and, because you have chronic illnesses, it sounds like an extra burden has fallen on your husband. It sounds like you’re mostly able to communicate well but it also sounds a bit as if your husband has been coming last for quite a while. That’s completely understandable with everything that’s happened and not a reflection on you but he sounds like he’s at breaking point and I’m not surprised. Can you get any help which means the burden on you both lightens a bit?

Definitely seek counselling together asap. I would also try and find a way to remove his carers responsibilities for you because I don’t think that is going to help at this time- can you have a carer come and help you? I think it’s a huge amount to have going on for him tbh. And of course for you. I think even just relieving that one part of the equation might help you both reconnect in your marriage. Can you afford or seek any respite for your kids? I don’t see how you can both sustainably live with this much going on. I think start trying to find space for a break from some of it even if it’s just short term. Lots of luck xxx

No, I know it's crazy. We only had one SEN child until I was pregnant with my 4th - dcs other Sen and medical issues and my own health problems came much later.

My health issues don't require much physical input from dh on a regular basis, it's more the impact not having me around or having me in hospital has on things, especially caring for our youngest. So I guess we need to find respite for that so if I am struggling then there's more help for dh. We already have a cleaner who's a god send and our other kids- 2 are teens and ones an adult so, although they have their own needs/issues it's a bit easier than 4 toddlers/babies on a day to day level.