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Original poster

I have finally accepted DH has depression

21 replies

Baskingintherain · 18/02/2025 07:03

Been with DH for 17 years, 2 older DC. DH has always suffered with depression and for the last 17 years it has been my mission in life to help him. I’ve tried everything- doing nice things that are rarely appreciated, buying him gifts that sit in the cupboard untouched, spending time together but he won’t engage in conversation. I gave him an ultimatum a few years ago and he finally agreed to get counselling which helped for a while, but we’re now back into the old cycle of depression again. He refuses medication but uses a lot of weed to self medicate as he calls it. I love him but I hate the way he makes
me feel during his depressive episodes. I’ve realised now that there is no hope- he isn’t going to change and this is my life, stuck in this cycle. Can anyone else relate and did anything help you navigate this? It feels so futile.

OP posts:
GretchenWienersHair · 18/02/2025 07:06

I can relate. I’m still at the “trying to make things better” stage, but I know it’s futile. He won’t admit he’s struggling let alone accept or even seek support. Hand holding for you, OP.

Spongebobpatrick · 18/02/2025 07:13

To come at it from the other side, I have depression. You've been trying for 17 years to make him happy. But the truth is you can't. He won't be happy until he accepts it, sees the counsellor regularly and takes medication. So you are either stuck in that life or you leave.

sanityisamyth · 18/02/2025 07:19

Spongebobpatrick · 18/02/2025 07:13

To come at it from the other side, I have depression. You've been trying for 17 years to make him happy. But the truth is you can't. He won't be happy until he accepts it, sees the counsellor regularly and takes medication. So you are either stuck in that life or you leave.

This. Lots for him to recognise and get himself treatment, whether it's psychotherapy or medication, or both.

frozendaisy · 18/02/2025 07:46

Sounds like he's an addict

Weed is so strong nowadays, and unregulated, "self medicating" for depression is nonsense.

If he doesn't quit the weed nothing will change.

Meceme · 18/02/2025 07:48

Having suffered from depression myself, I can categorically say there is nothing you can do to make him happy. He is not capable of being happy at the moment.

For me, once I recognised and accepted the depression, medication was essential. It took at least a year of trial and adapting before it had a measurable, lasting effect.

During this time I got up, went to work, parented, did housework, participated in family life as usual. Basically I put on an act but nothing made me happy. My husband describes it as 'The year you went missing' as, despite doing all the things I usually did, having the conversations I usually had, he said he'd look at me and behind my eyes there was just a vacant space.

It was a horrible way to live for both of us but neither he nor I could not have changed it without help. Eventually I found a medication that worked and I slowly got better.

I am grateful that we got through but, if I had not got medical help, I would not have been surprised if he left .... in fact I'm not sure I would have noticed and I love him dearly.

Depression is a terrible illness. If your partner won't help themself you need to help yourself, you can't heal them.

Fuuuuuckit · 18/02/2025 07:50

If his health condition was physical would you stay if he was refusing medical help? If his leg was hanging off and he refused to get in an ambulance, but was happy to pick at it with dirty hands making it worse, piling on the pressure and responsibility for everything on you, would you stay?

Weed is a depressant. He's making a choice not to engage with medical/therapeutic help and making himself worse, and you're suffering the brunt of this.

You shouldn't waste another day of your life on him op.

DahliaBlooming · 18/02/2025 07:53

The problem is the weed...

Socksorter · 18/02/2025 07:54

My husband also suffers with depression, hes struggled for years but its been particularly bad for the last 5 or 6. Hes tried counselling and like your husband self medicated (alcohol). He has eventually arrived at the conclusion that he try medication and after 2 months the change in him is so dramatic. He is happy, coping with life and his stressful job and no arguments or anger. I cant believe how we were living and how it was affecting all of us at home too. Wish he had done it sooner and so does he.

A lot of our married life has been lost to this illness and i am trying to cope with some resentment over this which was an unexpected emotion, I only anticipated relief

KvotheTheBloodless · 18/02/2025 07:56

The weed is the issue here. It's not going to make him feel better, the opposite actually in the long term. He's an addict.
Is the reason he won't seek help because he'll be told to give up weed? Classic addiction behaviour.

Original poster
Baskingintherain · 18/02/2025 08:07

Socksorter · 18/02/2025 07:54

My husband also suffers with depression, hes struggled for years but its been particularly bad for the last 5 or 6. Hes tried counselling and like your husband self medicated (alcohol). He has eventually arrived at the conclusion that he try medication and after 2 months the change in him is so dramatic. He is happy, coping with life and his stressful job and no arguments or anger. I cant believe how we were living and how it was affecting all of us at home too. Wish he had done it sooner and so does he.

A lot of our married life has been lost to this illness and i am trying to cope with some resentment over this which was an unexpected emotion, I only anticipated relief

I can fully relate to the feelings of resentment. And then guilt at feeling resentment towards someone who is unwell.

OP posts:
TheStigarette · 18/02/2025 08:15

I can relate to the resentment and also the absolute frustration of the denial/ refusal to get help/ self medication/ blame cycle

Good luck OP. Look after yourself x

rwalker · 18/02/2025 08:16

To accept and work with what you’ve got rather than fighting against it or trying to change it can be liberating

TheStigarette · 18/02/2025 08:21

It can also be liberating to let go of helping him.

TangerinePlate · 18/02/2025 08:27

Cut your losses OP. Your H has to help himself,go to GP and get help.He’s a weed addict

Your mission to rescue him didn’t work so please rescue yourself.

I’m surprised you lasted so long without MH problems.

Leave. He will either go further down taking you with him or he will do something about it after you left. Ultimatum didn’t work.

You have one life. Don’t waste it on somebody who doesn’t care.

OldChairMan · 18/02/2025 08:44

DH has always suffered with depression and for the last 17 years it has been my mission in life to help him

This is madness, and yes, futile.

During that mission have you read much about depression and what works? Because gifts etc seems a very naive approach.

Have you perhaps been focusing on him in order to avoid yourself. Look into co-dependency.

It can't have been good for your DC.

TagSplashMaverick · 18/02/2025 08:45

OP, life with him sounds truly, truly shit. Do you want to spend the rest of your own short life with him ruining every aspect of it?

His refusal to even try medication and instead smoking endless weed would be more than enough reason for me to end it. You’ve tried, fruitlessly and selflessly for a long time. You’d have nothing at all to feel guilty about.

teenmaw · 18/02/2025 09:19

Yeah I stayed for 17 years and finally threw the towel in. I can tell you that three years post separation he is exactly the same and I don't think he'll ever do the work to make his life better. I wish I left years ago.

Daisyvodka · 18/02/2025 09:21

You don't have to stay with someone who can't give you what you need, no matter the reason. Just wanted to say that. It's not his fault he's depressed, but you are not alone bad person for wanting a full life. You don't have to suffer just because he's ill.

Cottonplease · 18/02/2025 09:23

If he won't help himself and you've tried to support him then there's nothing else you can do. I left a marriage in the same situation. It came to crisis point. We separated and guess he must have sorted himself out as now on his third marriage. Or didn't?

Faz469 · 18/02/2025 09:27

Baskingintherain · 18/02/2025 07:03

Been with DH for 17 years, 2 older DC. DH has always suffered with depression and for the last 17 years it has been my mission in life to help him. I’ve tried everything- doing nice things that are rarely appreciated, buying him gifts that sit in the cupboard untouched, spending time together but he won’t engage in conversation. I gave him an ultimatum a few years ago and he finally agreed to get counselling which helped for a while, but we’re now back into the old cycle of depression again. He refuses medication but uses a lot of weed to self medicate as he calls it. I love him but I hate the way he makes
me feel during his depressive episodes. I’ve realised now that there is no hope- he isn’t going to change and this is my life, stuck in this cycle. Can anyone else relate and did anything help you navigate this? It feels so futile.

I can relate. I tried with my ex partner for 10 years. The self medicating escalated to cocain to "perk him up." I left

He got in touch 3 years later to apologise and tell me he'd sorted things out. Was taking antidepressants etc. Like he thought I'd just wait for him.

He was too late. I'd met my soon to be hubby (just 5 days to go). We were living together and I was happy. Obviously still am lol we have a little boy now too.

Don't waste any more of your time. If he hasn't changed in that time he never will.

Belaymehearties · 18/02/2025 09:45

You can't "fix" him and make him happy, only he can do this, and using weed to self medicate is futile and obviously not working. No-one has an "easy" path through life but most people develop enough resilience to try and reframe and move forward the best we can. He needs to return to counselling and seek help for his addiction to weed. If he's not willing to seek help then you have a decision to make as to whether you want to stay in this stalemate of HIS depression for the rest of YOUR life.

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