Is it wrong.. | Mumsnet

LifeQuestion · 2025-02-17T12:16:01+00:00

To start a relationship knowing that you might never love someone strongly enough? 3rd significant relationship after a 14 yr hiatus, (62yrs young) met a lovely, kind, grown up, financially sound, normal guy. He's really soft on me, sent me a ‘I love you’ valentines card which I really appreciated. Been out on some really lovely dates. My question is, am I wrong to keep it going because: a) it’s unlikely I’ll meet someone who I would once again live & die for - okay it be the 3rd one 😆 b) it’s really hard to find decent men at my age who dress & act normally and he does treat me brilliantly c) dating apps are the pits d) I could start to live a little instead of existing. Am I wrong to let him believe that I could love him? What are the pitfalls? He has also been on the dating apps a long time. I’m torn between ending it, in the hapless search for real love, or just working on making each other happy, which I think could work. The only thing that I find hard is that he’s not an alpha male, but is elegant, thoughtful and may be a little lacking in confidence ( with me), so is a little too keen to impress. opinions needed :)

MounjaroOnMyMind · 17/02/2025 12:18

I would definitely keep seeing him - I'm sure you know how difficult it is to find a "normal" man! I wouldn't go into any lifelong commitments though until I was sure I loved him. I do think you can grow to love people.

MrsSlocombesCat · 17/02/2025 12:19

I would give it time. Don't tell him you love him if you don't. Be honest about your feelings.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 17/02/2025 12:36

The whole “i would die for you” passionate romantic version of love you describe is very rarely without its own issues. Obvs I don’t know why those relationships ended but I’m not sure trying to recreate those is the way forward.

I’m 51 and have come to the realisation that I don’t want to be crazy in love again. I want to be calm in love. If you feel like a calm love could grow then give it a chance. That doesn’t mean declaring love if you’re not feeling it and tbh he may just be going along with the Valentines flow - its hard to find cards that say “I like you enough to see where this goes”!

Ahsheeit · 17/02/2025 12:42

Questions to ask yourself:

Do you enjoy his company?
Does he make you laugh?
Do you fancy him?
Do you look forward to seeing him?
Does he respect and acknowledge boundaries?
Does he have his own life and friends?

Are you looking at unreal expectations of this fictional "alpha" male?

If you're answering yes to the first question set, then I think you're on a good path to see what develops. The last question is important too, as that alpha male is a bit of a societal stereotype.

HolidayHattie · 17/02/2025 12:52

I started seeing a "nice man" who didn't really make my heart skip a beat. I thought I'd just date him for a bit as I was quite enjoying his company at the time, but it wouldn't last; I'd get bored.

That was fifteen years ago and we are still together.

Diningtableornot · 17/02/2025 12:58

I think that so long as you don't pretend you are in more in love than you are it's fine to continue seeing him. Being madly and mutually in love is wonderful when it happens but not something we all have an automatic right to, or can be guaranteed provided we keep trying.
TBH I don't think it is unusual for one member of a couple to have stronger feelings than the other.
Making use of someone whilst looking out for something better would be a mean thing to do, but continuing to see somebody you're not certain about, being truthful about your feelings, is different.

Dollybantree · 17/02/2025 12:59

I’m 51 and have come to the realisation that I don’t want to be crazy in love again. I want to be calm in love

This is a lovely way of putting it and I agree.

OP, your crazy in love relationships haven't worked out so obviously they weren't that great. Dh and I have been together 20 odd years and I'm not crazy in love but have felt more in love with him at times than others. He is my person though and I love him very much, he's a really good man and father.

The only time I had that crazy in love feeling he turned out to be a covert narcissist and pathological liar who was married!! Totally lovebombed me leading to the crazy feeling so I'm not an advocate of that type of "love".

Original poster

LifeQuestion · 17/02/2025 13:05

Ahsheeit · 17/02/2025 12:42

Questions to ask yourself:

Do you enjoy his company?
Does he make you laugh?
Do you fancy him?
Do you look forward to seeing him?
Does he respect and acknowledge boundaries?
Does he have his own life and friends?

Are you looking at unreal expectations of this fictional "alpha" male?

If you're answering yes to the first question set, then I think you're on a good path to see what develops. The last question is important too, as that alpha male is a bit of a societal stereotype.

Yes
yes
not sure, but it’s possible
yes
yes
i agree about the alpha comment - can have it own issues.
Thanks, really needed to hear all of the comments.
He’s quite reticent about initiating anything intimate, but I think more time is needed. He’s really good about boundaries, and doesn’t want to muck up.
I would hate to hurt him, but I think he would be quite cut up if I did stop seeing him. He may even be a keeper .. fingers crossed Xx

OP posts:

ritasuebobtoo · 17/02/2025 13:10

I think it’s important that he knows how you feel. So you’re both on the same page, otherwise he’s sort of hoodwinked no?

In time you might feel more oomph you never know.

Original poster

LifeQuestion · 17/02/2025 15:04

Dollybantree · 17/02/2025 12:59

I’m 51 and have come to the realisation that I don’t want to be crazy in love again. I want to be calm in love

This is a lovely way of putting it and I agree.

OP, your crazy in love relationships haven't worked out so obviously they weren't that great. Dh and I have been together 20 odd years and I'm not crazy in love but have felt more in love with him at times than others. He is my person though and I love him very much, he's a really good man and father.

The only time I had that crazy in love feeling he turned out to be a covert narcissist and pathological liar who was married!! Totally lovebombed me leading to the crazy feeling so I'm not an advocate of that type of "love".

I love how you say ‘he’s my person’ ❤️

OP posts:

Coralreef7 · 17/02/2025 15:23

I’m crazy in love- in a calm love- just pointing out you can have both. Passionate relationships where you can’t get enough of each other aren’t synonymous with toxic relationships. You can be passionately crazy for each other while feeling totally secure. Toxicity comes from not being secure, either in oneself, or because of the person you are crazy about, especially if they are a game playing, roving eye, gaslighting narcissist.

so it’s not a trade off, you can have it all. When I met my guy, our eyes locked, and I felt like I’d been hit in the heart, not something I’d thought possible, and being logical I got to know him cautiously, but it just grew, because of who he is.

when I was younger I did the whole “he’s such a nice guy, we are so compatible, but I just don’t feel that spark even though he’s a good looking and decent man”, it didn’t work out. I never felt what I needed in my heart to feel for someone.

However, it is up to you, and to what you need. I wouldn’t settle because I know what it is to be single for years and enjoy that singleness, knowing that I wouldn’t go near a man unless I met the love of my life. Not looking for anything at all, and then one day he came along.

itsnotalwaysthateasy · 18/02/2025 00:03

Please remove your twitchy pants and go with the flow.
Who knows what's going to happen, You dont!
Enjoy the story....

Unredchat · 18/02/2025 00:04

Strongly enough for what?

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 18/02/2025 01:10

Coralreef7 · 17/02/2025 15:23

I’m crazy in love- in a calm love- just pointing out you can have both. Passionate relationships where you can’t get enough of each other aren’t synonymous with toxic relationships. You can be passionately crazy for each other while feeling totally secure. Toxicity comes from not being secure, either in oneself, or because of the person you are crazy about, especially if they are a game playing, roving eye, gaslighting narcissist.

so it’s not a trade off, you can have it all. When I met my guy, our eyes locked, and I felt like I’d been hit in the heart, not something I’d thought possible, and being logical I got to know him cautiously, but it just grew, because of who he is.

when I was younger I did the whole “he’s such a nice guy, we are so compatible, but I just don’t feel that spark even though he’s a good looking and decent man”, it didn’t work out. I never felt what I needed in my heart to feel for someone.

However, it is up to you, and to what you need. I wouldn’t settle because I know what it is to be single for years and enjoy that singleness, knowing that I wouldn’t go near a man unless I met the love of my life. Not looking for anything at all, and then one day he came along.

Ah I'm so glad for you that you've got the crazy and the calm!

My previous relationship was very passionate and intense, but involved lots of anxiety on my part, anger issues on his and several break-ups. He insisted we were soul mates and it was all meant to be, until the last break-up when he had finally had enough of the drama. It took me such a long time to get over that, I just don't want that intensity again. I want a simple life with a more straightforward chap! Not sure I've found that with my current BF, but that's what I'm striving for. Hope OP can be as lucky as you, either with this one or with someone else she meets!

category12 · 18/02/2025 05:50

Maybe you've previously gone for shit blokes and need to reset your boundaries, because you mention "alpha" males. Which is code for arrogant domineering jerks, isn't it?

LillyPJ · 18/02/2025 05:58

Ahsheeit · 17/02/2025 12:42

Questions to ask yourself:

Do you enjoy his company?
Does he make you laugh?
Do you fancy him?
Do you look forward to seeing him?
Does he respect and acknowledge boundaries?
Does he have his own life and friends?

Are you looking at unreal expectations of this fictional "alpha" male?

If you're answering yes to the first question set, then I think you're on a good path to see what develops. The last question is important too, as that alpha male is a bit of a societal stereotype.

I like your list of questions! Thinking about my own ex-partner, I could answer Yes to all of the first set apart from that he didn't have his own life and friends. It didn't seem too important at first, but it became a big issue.

Coralreef7 · 18/02/2025 12:07

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 18/02/2025 01:10

Ah I'm so glad for you that you've got the crazy and the calm!

My previous relationship was very passionate and intense, but involved lots of anxiety on my part, anger issues on his and several break-ups. He insisted we were soul mates and it was all meant to be, until the last break-up when he had finally had enough of the drama. It took me such a long time to get over that, I just don't want that intensity again. I want a simple life with a more straightforward chap! Not sure I've found that with my current BF, but that's what I'm striving for. Hope OP can be as lucky as you, either with this one or with someone else she meets!

Show quote history

Oh I was in that kind of relationship for almost all of my youth, got beaten, cheated on, manipulated and tormented. There was passion, but it was all the wrong kind. I determined not to look at another man again, and I did that for many years. I knew it would take someone amazing to make me want to be with someone again! There is always hope, and I happen to believe in a greater plan! I hope OP will find that plan also, with this guy or someone else x

Phoenix1Arisen · 18/02/2025 13:14

In my opinion and experience, relationships based on deep and genuine friendship are the most fulfilling and the most likely to last. Just something for you to think about?