Struggling to stay married, trapped

[Limesorbet1]

Married ten years to, by anyone’s judgement, a kind and decent man. Works hard, great dad, very responsible, attentive.

Downsides are that he is not social, has very few friends he rarely sees, he doesn’t have any hobbies other than the gym. He’s basically quite boring. Conversations are limited to a few topics.

I am very into arts, culture, friends, travel. I long for these.

He runs one business which is the main earner, then we also have work together on another business which earns the remaining 25% of our income, but we are now going to sell that business as it puts too much pressure on us as a couple.

We are looking to relocate to a more rural area so lots of change ahead. This will also get me away from my narcissistic mother which can’t come soon enough.

But I’m struggling to see how I get the life I want even once we’ve changed locations. I’m so sick of being married. I want to wake up in the morning and do what I want to do without the constant negotiation for childcare, work, household tasks, etc etc

I’m 42, so probably peri menopausal. I think these feelings have been coming on over several years though.

I crave autonomy. We’ve talked about it, and he says he wants to allow me to step up and be the breadwinner, allowing him to be more of a househusband, freeing me of domestic burden. I would prefer this, but while our children are young (5 and 8) we need the income his business brings and it will be very difficult for me to suddenly earn enough.

I feel trapped. I resent him, even though that’s probably not fair.

Once the biological need to have kids has passed, do lots of women feel this way?

I feel desperately sad about it and am struggling to get through the days. Waking up with a weight on my chest that doesn’t shift.

This.

Why did you marry and have kids with someone you find boring?

How is living more isolated going to solve anything?

I want to wake up in the morning and do what I want to do without the constant negotiation for childcare, work, household tasks, etc etc

But that’s being a parent really isn’t it? You’re not going to get a completely carefree, autonomous life full time whilst you’re a mother to young children.

You could, as has been suggested, leave your DH to be the resident parent - personally I could never and think it’s a shitty thing to do to children you chose to have, but it’s an option available to you and one that plenty of men take up when the situation is reversed. Only you know if it would mean youre more fulfilled.

You could split and go for 50/50 custody - again I don’t actually believe this is best for young children and it’s something I’d hate. But that’s me - plenty of people including family courts seem to think this is best for children in the event of a split, and it would at least give you the freedom and autonomy you crave half the time?

Otherwise, it’s really up to you to make the life you want within the constraints of parenting. No one person can give you everything, it’s too much pressure for one thing. I think it’s normal for there to be things you are interested in that your husband isn’t, and probably vice versa - is there a way for you to support each other to pursue your own things whilst hopefully finding some shared interests/ enjoyment too?

Also agree that living more rurally is probably only going to compound things rather than improve them - if you want travel and culture and excitement youre better off staying in a city I’d have thought? Instead of running away from your mother, how would it be if you put some boundaries in but stayed where you are? Or are there other reasons you wanted to move? I agree it sounds passive the way it’s framed as getting away from your mum, resenting your husband because he’s not provided you with the interest and excitement you want, resenting parenthood almost as if it was imposed on you rather than a choice you made. I’m not saying there’s not good reasons for you having any/ all of those feelings - but I think you will have to do the hard work of really looking at what choices you have made so far that have led you to where you are and what steps you need to take to get closer to where you want to be - whilst still keeping the wellbeing of the children as main priority.

Do not move to the middld of nowhere.
You will never be out of the car.
A place where your children an have friends and get themselves to school is a great gift for you.

You need community and the ability to socialise so a place that can provide that.

You need to take this very seriously as your marriage will not survive a bad move.

None of us can provide everything to our partner, or them us.

You need to be proactive in creating the life you want in a place you love.

Do this for your children as much as your marriage.

The rural vs town thing is a good point, thank you. I love space and hills and trees but I will be isolating myself, so that was helpful to hear

That is what the suburbs are for. Half town with all its busyness, connections and art and half countryside with open spaces and trees. Find a house near a park or public space and/or largish garden and you will have the best of both worlds. They also tend to have half decent bus timetables for the children wanting their independence later on (cinema with friends at end of primary).

Then find an evening class to indulge your arty side and perhaps find friends that way. Or perhaps a Saturday morning rambling club.

Instead of running away, try to do baby step changes of what you already have.

Someone once told me you can’t get all your needs met by one person and that is absolutely correct. Where are your friends? Your husband is not social go and socialise with them, travel with them, do the things you want to do with them.
You chose to have children you will always have to negotiate childcare and household tasks. Even if you split up. You’ll just be negotiating the childcare with a bitter ex and the household tasks with moody children.
This was the life you chose. Adulting requires negotiation. You can’t just do what you want all of the time.
If you have a decent man keep him and find your friends to fill the needs he can’t meet

You want to get up in the mornings and do what you want? Even if you left your husband and children behind you'd still have to get up and do a full day's work to support yourself and give money for your children's upkeep. Not many people have the luxury of just pleasing themselves. I'm sure you can find ways to do some of the things you enjoy while still being married and taking care of your children.

Are you me???!!

I am a few steps ahead of you. We are separated its a mess and it has dragged on and we have both aged at least 5 years as a result. I honestly do not know which is better, choose your hard.

Husband and mother....

As for moving to the countryside and having the interests that you do - i am the same as you and in the countryside and honestly as much as I love nature all around, the reality is you are in your car all the time and you're further from the environment that suits you. Really think about it. Reading and hobbying at home is where your arts & culture will be at!

I'm older than you and my children younger. I get the trapped feeling. I also have neglected myself and haven't done any self care in a decade.

IMO, leaving your husband, who's a good man, isn't going to make you less responsible or trapped. You'll still have two primary aged kids to care for.

@Limesorbet1 are you a SAHP? Also how is money shared? Do you have equal access to funds?

I think a rural move is a bad idea.

I think you need to focus on meeting your own needs. What can you do to live the life you want. I'm currently looking at college courses , exercise classes and hobbies. I'd like a part time job but i dont really know where to start at this stage. A friend of mine started doing line dancing and her social life has literally been transformed by it.

It's worth considering going NC with your narcissistic mother?

It is as hard to do, as you fear it will be but the level of peace you will feel is worth it.

TBF, the OP has acknowledged what needs to change and that she's grateful for the sort of husband she has, and that he adores her which is lovely. ❤That is itself is a massive thing, but MN is filled with LTB advice - it is her life at the end of the day. I get LTB advice where it's clear that there's abuse going on, but that's not the case here (it would seem).

Honestly @Limesorbet1, I've lived in the sticks and it was a 'mare. Trains stopped at like 10-10.30 at night... too expensive for a taxi if I went out to the city. Locals were well-knitted and didn't appreciate an 'outsider' entering their town where everyone knew each other. It was bloody boring. Don't do it; if it's something he wants, book an outward bound course for a weekend or something. It's great occasionally - I like white water rafting, but I don't want to move to Wales for it! 😂

Hills, hikes and mountain walks are merely a meetup group away! So are arts and culture - here in Manc, I've an art history group, a piano playing group, art cinema, blues and jazz group, reading group, women only travel and interests... these are all much easier to find when there's a large population. The woods and the hikes and walks etc can be done at the weekend - a car drive away 😉😁It's not worth sacrificing a good dad, husband and marriage to satisfy your other needs, and as I said before, no one person can and should be expected to fulfil these. Your DH wants you to step up in the business - ask him how, what, when. Tell him what'll you'll do and exchange for more care of the kids - I mean, that's what he wants anyway, isn't it? So it's in both your interests for you to be taught things that are currently 75% of the income. Join meetup. If there isn't what you want within your radius, set up your own.

And as for your mum - well. I'm the product of 2x narc parents - my mother a malignant narc, my dad a typical grandiose (and not terribly bright with it tbh - a vulnerable narc perhaps). I had to fend for myself from 15 (kicked out) and I've looked for love my whole life and not nailed it down (I'm now 54). I've had 3 narc relationships, so clearly I had issues to resolve with feeling validated - but you have found someone who does that for you, and more importantly wants to for genuine reason. Don't let that go, lass.

The chorus of “don’t go rural” is so loud but I am here to lend my voice to it because I honestly don’t know why anyone in your shoes would.

Also - the giving up the 25% of the income piece. Why not keep it going and use more of that income to pay for extra childcare and cleaning, ironing, walking the dog or whatever else the household tasks you mention constitute? It will be money well spent and you will feel better for it.

@Limesorbet1 I'm sorry. I know how it feels to feel disappointed, dissatisfied with life. It's not your fault. Or his.

Sometimes life just doesn't pan out how we hoped it would. Find things that make you happy, whatever that looks like.

Your suburb sounds more like a town!

The suburb I live in is nothing like this! No bloody art or culture here! Just housing estate deserts with a coop!

Suburbs are compromise that gives you the worst of both worlds.

Better to live in a city and travel to the country at weekends.

Someone once told me you can’t get all your needs met by one person and that is absolutely correct. Where are your friends?

Please don't listen to this. I listened to this and decided it was okay as I could get the emotional needs my H could not meet through my friends. It just meant that I ended up in a increasingly lonely and very disconnected marriage. Your partner is meant to be your partner and your emotional support and good friend. If he is not that, all he is really doing is providing free services, such as domestic labour and child minding, that you could pay people to provide if you could afford it. Do you really want that to be your marriage?

Wow, there is so much heartfelt wisdom here, I wish I could hug you all

Do not move rurally!!!. It will be a mistake of mammoth proportions. Whose idea was that anyway?.

Your narcissistic mother has an awful lot to answer for but such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. She was once young and narcissistic and now she is elderly and just the same, perhaps even worse now because all the authority figures she was afraid of have died off. She has given you the Special Training so common to adult children of narcissists to put their needs first with your own dead last. You do not mention your father here but such men are often discarded by women like this who cannot do relationships at all. She installed the fear, obligation and guilt buttons in you. You think she feels guilt at how you've been treated by her; not a bit of it.

It is not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking. Have a read of the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these pages and have a look at Dr Ramani's content on YouTube.

This is so thoughtful, I can’t thank you enough

Your narc parents sound horrendous, I’m so sorry they put you through it. I feel grateful that at least I’m aware of it now, and can choose not to be controlled by my mum anymore.

I had a wonderful afternoon yesterday. Went for a long sunny walk with my dog, then had a cup of tea with an old friend who’s known me since childhood. She was so kind, pointing out quite how much I’ve got going on right now and that it’s understandable to feel all over the place. I’m displacing a lot of my muddle on to my husband, and he’s actually my greatest ally. He actively wants to help me pursue the stuff I’ve suppressed for so long, we had another big talk late last night and I feel very seen and loved. Many, many tears!

the advice about not moving rurally is so fascinating because it’s totally against my grain (I’ve always adored quiet and green) BUT as my friend also pointed out, maybe a few good urban years is what the family and I need right now? Doesn’t have to be forever? Everything you’re saying is giving me huge pause, thanks guys

Thank you! I think you’ve met my mother…?😆

yes I saw the ‘we took you to stately homes’ thread recently, it was very helpful.

My father is totally controlled by her, and is her enabler, I guess? He’s a nice man, but also - why couldn’t he ever stand up for us when we were little, when she was screaming shouting and hitting us? It’s so sad. She’s elderly and better behaved now, but I have to remind myself that the reason she doesn’t shout or hit now is because she can’t, not because she wouldn’t 😔

She can be charming and generous, so lots of outside more distant friends think she’s a devoted mother, I’m sure they’ll be appalled we’re moving away and leaving them, it will be hard… but with my therapist and husband’s support, I know it’s the right thing

(If anyone can suggest pretty UK towns (love oldy-woldy architecture) with stunning countryside not too far away.. we will be house hunting soon!)

No, you are just misunderstanding what a suburb actually is. It is a location that is halfway between a town and countryside so you still have to travel, however it is usually well connected for buses, cycle paths and safe walking routes. The suburb itself is just houses, pubs, schools and church halls (which sometimes puts community things on like WI or children's dance etc).

OP wants trees and open spaces too so I think she would struggle with city life.

@Limesorbet1 come and live in the Bath villages OP , great access to shopping, culture, meet ups ( and by god it sounds like you could do with some) - I will even take you out for a coffee !! But amazing rolling and hilly countryside within 5 minutes drive- farm shops, country pubs, horse riding etc. it isn't cheap but the villages outside Bath are cheaper and lots of cottages if your budget isn't too high- decent bus services too and lots of train connections between them . Look at places like Box, Bathford, Batheaston and small towns like Corsham, Frome , Bradford on Avon etc - I'm sure they will fit the bill. Even places like Chippenham and Trowbridge which are quite a bit cheaper and lots of newer estates too with big modern homes are very well connected with lovely countryside close by -less 'artsy' though - but I've met many a person from both of these in things in Bath in an evening and they just get the train back - and a lot come over at weekend - Chippenham is 12 minutes on train for instance- just a suggestion as it's an area I know well!!

If you like socialising I can think of anything worse than moving to a more rural area. Why would you. You're bored. Which is understandable. Marriage is a boring set up for a lot of people. If you split up and are on your own with kids you will have less time for socialising.

@Limesorbet1 are you limited by area/jobs at all - budget? I've lived in tons of places so have a fair few suggestions depending on your limitations

Yes I do know what a suburb is, I do live in a place between a town and countryside and where I live is like I describe.

Worsley, near Manchester. Didsbury the same. Places in Cheshire. Sale and Altrincham (South Manc). Harrogate in Yorkshire. Some of these are pretty pricey areas to buy, however!

I'm glad you feel comforted by us all and have given you things to consider, and that you've had a good yak with your DH <3