Not getting easier

superplumb · 2025-02-17T10:30:12+00:00

3 weeks since I caught my husband in a car with another woman. I've made threads on this in that time about he gaslight me re my leds called me paranoid, swore in kids lives he wasn't cheating..well he was. 27 years together. I caught them on ghr anniversary of the date he asked me out as 18 year olds. I threw him out and filed for divorce but he seems so happy still, being a Disney dad, still seeing her. 3 weeks on and I feel no better. People say time heals but I can't see it through the black smoke.

Ph3 · 17/02/2025 10:32

I’m sorry OP. But three weeks is nothing in terms of healing. You have to look at years. I think the main thing is finding a hobby and keeping yourself busy. But it’s hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

northernlight20 · 17/02/2025 10:33

3 weeks is no time at all. I promise in time, you will heal and feel better. In the meantime, look after yourself. Try and eat, go for walks, see friends. And he on the other hand will prob try to come back in a few months time. This has been mine and some friends experiences. Hugs to you.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 17/02/2025 10:33

It's really early days, it's completely normal to be still in the fog of processing it at the moment.

So sorry you have to go through this

Original poster

superplumb · 17/02/2025 10:37

northernlight20 · 17/02/2025 10:33

3 weeks is no time at all. I promise in time, you will heal and feel better. In the meantime, look after yourself. Try and eat, go for walks, see friends. And he on the other hand will prob try to come back in a few months time. This has been mine and some friends experiences. Hugs to you.

He said he wasnt happy, wanted to leave but didn't know how to. So thought he'd do the one thing that would kill me instead.
He won't come back. He's too loved up with thr slapper he cheated on me with. She knew he was married ans had autisic children but didn't care either.

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Original poster

superplumb · 17/02/2025 10:38

Ph3 · 17/02/2025 10:32

I’m sorry OP. But three weeks is nothing in terms of healing. You have to look at years. I think the main thing is finding a hobby and keeping yourself busy. But it’s hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I can't do this for years. I won't manage. I'm not eating or sleeping as it is

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Aqz · 17/02/2025 10:39

Its very early days OP.
Try and eat a bit, even if you don't feel like it.
Reach out to friends and family for support.

Find a nice counsellor so you can rant at, and get it out.
I'm so sorry.

Original poster

superplumb · 17/02/2025 10:41

Aqz · 17/02/2025 10:39

Its very early days OP.
Try and eat a bit, even if you don't feel like it.
Reach out to friends and family for support.

Find a nice counsellor so you can rant at, and get it out.
I'm so sorry.

I think my friends ans family are getting bored of me. They all say he's scum forget him he doesn't deserve you. I knke it's true but doens help. They don't understand why I'm not getting angry.

I have a counsellor too.

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Purplecatshopaholic · 17/02/2025 10:47

My husband cheated, we were married 25 years, I know how it feels. Three weeks is no time op, you need to give it time. I was a bit of a basket case for a lot longer than 3 weeks I can tell you! Be kind to yourself, you will feel better over time - I am so much happier now (it’s been a few years), and you will too.

Original poster

superplumb · 17/02/2025 10:55

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/02/2025 10:47

My husband cheated, we were married 25 years, I know how it feels. Three weeks is no time op, you need to give it time. I was a bit of a basket case for a lot longer than 3 weeks I can tell you! Be kind to yourself, you will feel better over time - I am so much happier now (it’s been a few years), and you will too.

Did he stay with her?
Did you meet anyone new? People say hang in there but I'm so weak and tired of this. I can't carry on anymore.

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Purplecatshopaholic · 17/02/2025 10:57

@superplumb i don’t know if they are still together (this happened in 2019). I could find out, but I just don’t care. I met someone else a couple of years later and we are still together and very happy.

letslaughitoff · 17/02/2025 10:58

Its early days op the more time pass the better you will feel.
Allow yourself to be angry but dont stay angry for to long.
You wont forget him or what hes done but in time you will forget the feelings you had about him and for him.
And one day you look back and laugh about it.
Sounds silly but ive been there took me a year to fully say oh well what was i thinking i must have been off my nut to have loved you.
But at the start i was angry he now has 3 kids under 10 and its aged him his young lady is fed up but stuck and hes still cheating.
Me well i stayed single worked on myself child free and i really love life more now.
I cant forget what he did or who he is but i dont care for him because over time the feelings i had faded away.
If he pops in my head now i think thank god she has him i got thought the fog and see it all clear now.
You have got this op head up and smile even when weak.

Original poster

superplumb · 17/02/2025 10:59

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/02/2025 10:57

@superplumb i don’t know if they are still together (this happened in 2019). I could find out, but I just don’t care. I met someone else a couple of years later and we are still together and very happy.

I can't imagine meeting and getting to know someone else, trusting them all over again. I never thought he'd cheat on me. It's floored me by his behaviour. He was never that guy. I can't see me trusting again. Never mind meeting
I wfh a lot, only really have the gym and the allotment so don't get to meet anyone else.
I've been looking at online dating and that sounds horrific. My skin isn't thick enough for that

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/02/2025 11:21

superplumb · 17/02/2025 10:59

I can't imagine meeting and getting to know someone else, trusting them all over again. I never thought he'd cheat on me. It's floored me by his behaviour. He was never that guy. I can't see me trusting again. Never mind meeting
I wfh a lot, only really have the gym and the allotment so don't get to meet anyone else.
I've been looking at online dating and that sounds horrific. My skin isn't thick enough for that

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It’s sooo early op, don’t even think about that right now. You need to concentrate on you and your children and healing. Over time you might feel up to meeting someone you might not. FWIW I wasn’t looking and had no intention of letting someone else into my life (I was absolutely shocked, horrified and devastated when I realised what my ex was up to, I had no idea), but fate sometimes has other ideas, just saying..

Original poster

superplumb · 17/02/2025 11:23

letslaughitoff · 17/02/2025 10:58

Its early days op the more time pass the better you will feel.
Allow yourself to be angry but dont stay angry for to long.
You wont forget him or what hes done but in time you will forget the feelings you had about him and for him.
And one day you look back and laugh about it.
Sounds silly but ive been there took me a year to fully say oh well what was i thinking i must have been off my nut to have loved you.
But at the start i was angry he now has 3 kids under 10 and its aged him his young lady is fed up but stuck and hes still cheating.
Me well i stayed single worked on myself child free and i really love life more now.
I cant forget what he did or who he is but i dont care for him because over time the feelings i had faded away.
If he pops in my head now i think thank god she has him i got thought the fog and see it all clear now.
You have got this op head up and smile even when weak.

It's so hard, esp with kids. I wish I could just go nc but he's always going to be there now isn't he.
Weekends arw bad as I know he's there with her. We havnt sorted out kids access and is still very ad hoc. I've asked my lawyer to see wjqt we can do.

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teenmaw · 17/02/2025 11:45

Your situation is worse than mine, but I did get brutally dumped by the love of my life a few years ago. Here's some observations OP, I know it's hard 😖

shift your focus clean away from him and her, she's not won a prize here he's a cheating wank that's a shit dad and husban

focus on those negative points of him, this is the real guy, don't romanticize him.

-you are better on your own than with someone that doesn't have your back

-being on your own is (eventually) wonderful. I thought I needed to find another man but I've found the real me and that's better

your appetite will come back eventually. I found doing something adrenaline fuelled and exciting got me a bit hungry again to start. Then filling my day with nice things. Just eat whatever you can whenever you can

lean on friends and family, let it all out, write it down, drive and scream, exercise if you can, be in nature, pour all the love you have into yourself because YOU deserve it

there will be good days and bad days

you can choose to sink or swim here. Be the butterfly that comes out stronger and better. Don't be the bitter ex consumed by this and letting life pass you by. This is a beginning not an end 🦋

PS I'm now the happiest I've ever been. Thanks to me. Not thanks to a man. Wouldn't thank you for one now, not even that one 👏🏻

Original poster

superplumb · 17/02/2025 11:59

teenmaw · 17/02/2025 11:45

Your situation is worse than mine, but I did get brutally dumped by the love of my life a few years ago. Here's some observations OP, I know it's hard 😖

shift your focus clean away from him and her, she's not won a prize here he's a cheating wank that's a shit dad and husban

focus on those negative points of him, this is the real guy, don't romanticize him.

-you are better on your own than with someone that doesn't have your back

-being on your own is (eventually) wonderful. I thought I needed to find another man but I've found the real me and that's better

your appetite will come back eventually. I found doing something adrenaline fuelled and exciting got me a bit hungry again to start. Then filling my day with nice things. Just eat whatever you can whenever you can

lean on friends and family, let it all out, write it down, drive and scream, exercise if you can, be in nature, pour all the love you have into yourself because YOU deserve it

there will be good days and bad days

you can choose to sink or swim here. Be the butterfly that comes out stronger and better. Don't be the bitter ex consumed by this and letting life pass you by. This is a beginning not an end 🦋

PS I'm now the happiest I've ever been. Thanks to me. Not thanks to a man. Wouldn't thank you for one now, not even that one 👏🏻

Thank you for you kind words. I havnt been on my own since I was 17. This is brutal.

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teenmaw · 17/02/2025 12:31

It's scary to start with. Your confidence is at an all time low but you are capable and you will rise out of this strong and independent. Every day you've got through already is a massive achievement. You're doing it OP, even with all this stress and trauma you're looking after your kids and showing up. Get that confidence built up, set aside time to do self care and clear your head.

Also get your game face on for your separation, get a solid agreement when he has your children to give you time for you. Don't feel guilty taking whatever equity, pension, assets you're entitled to. Check if you're entitled to any more help financially. Fuck this man and the horse he rode in on OP, find some anger and some drive to claim the life you deserve, and that doesn't include this POS!

Original poster

superplumb · 17/02/2025 13:28

teenmaw · 17/02/2025 12:31

It's scary to start with. Your confidence is at an all time low but you are capable and you will rise out of this strong and independent. Every day you've got through already is a massive achievement. You're doing it OP, even with all this stress and trauma you're looking after your kids and showing up. Get that confidence built up, set aside time to do self care and clear your head.

Also get your game face on for your separation, get a solid agreement when he has your children to give you time for you. Don't feel guilty taking whatever equity, pension, assets you're entitled to. Check if you're entitled to any more help financially. Fuck this man and the horse he rode in on OP, find some anger and some drive to claim the life you deserve, and that doesn't include this POS!

Thank you that's kind. I just feel broken.

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Original poster

superplumb · 17/02/2025 18:29

Part of my counselling for trauma is to thjnk on a happy memory strong enough to out do the images I have in my head . Problem is all my memories are somehow linked to my ex. Adter 27 years I have a lot.

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Original poster

superplumb · 17/02/2025 18:51

As in memories are linked to him.

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Trickedbyadoughnut · 18/02/2025 10:36

superplumb · 17/02/2025 18:29

Part of my counselling for trauma is to thjnk on a happy memory strong enough to out do the images I have in my head . Problem is all my memories are somehow linked to my ex. Adter 27 years I have a lot.

Do you think you'd be up to trying to create some very small memories that you could use? I.e. go pick out a book you really want to read or watch a good film you've never got round to watching with a blanket and some popcorn? Just baby steps.

Original poster

superplumb · 18/02/2025 10:55

Trickedbyadoughnut · 18/02/2025 10:36

Do you think you'd be up to trying to create some very small memories that you could use? I.e. go pick out a book you really want to read or watch a good film you've never got round to watching with a blanket and some popcorn? Just baby steps.

Show quote history

I'm.not sure. I don't thjnk i have any really strong happy memories which will outdo what he's done to me.
All my memories over the last 27 years are somehow linked to him.

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