Feeling lost and lonely

[Adviceseeker35]

Hi,

After a nice morning out yesterday with my husband, as our son was out for the day, he shocks me with saying that unless I do therapy with him he will leave me. He says we're both unhappy and he wants to fix us and if I don't go he will divorce me. He says he's already got a rough plan for leaving me and we'd have to sell the house. He says I never show him affection and I have no interest in him.

I feel really lost. Earlier in the week he said he couldn't do valentines as it was too overwhelming, I agree, then he gets me a present. I just don't know where I stand. He says he loves me but he barely speaks to me and is threatening to leave me if I don't do what he wants.

He suffers from depression and anxiety and is undergoing assessments for autism and adhd.

I just don't know what to do. He's know telling him it'll be ok but I just can't see it. He'll never say what's wrong and often builds things up and explodes like a volcano. He says it's his way of communicating. For example, last year he told me doesn't believe in monogamy and marriage vows but he'll stay faithful as I want him to.

Not sure what I'm asking I just needed to write this down as I feel so lost.

Take control and ask him to leave, he’s obviously got it all planned. Doing the pick me dance won’t work.

Wow.

I would take back control.

Ask him to leave.

See a solicitor. Find out the lie of the land.

Do not let him pull the rug from under you like this. He's trying to shock you into doing exactly what he wants because you're terrified of breaking up.

Don't let him.

Tell him he needs to behave like an adult & stop telling you you have to do exactly what he wants. Particularly when that changes every 5 minutes.

You could do couples counselling if you want but I think given his behaviour it is probably more important you access independent therapy.

I think it would be best for him to move out - have a trial separation.

What do you want? Do you think marriage therapy would help?

He's convinced therapy will help as he's trying to "fix us". I'm not so sure, I've had months of being told what I'm doing wrong so part of me is scared about what he'll say about me in therapy. He just doesn't seem to be able to cope with anything.

He never used to be like this. He used to be really caring and loving.

I’m not sure therapy will be good for him if he explodes like a volcano, he won’t like having to accept his part in the breakdown of the marriage. He sounds controlling, verging on abusive.

I agree with a PP, this sounds abusive.

He has you walking on eggshells, telling you what you’re doing wrong, exploding at you. Is this a relationship you want to stay in?

I do sometimes think I'd be better with just my son but for some reason I do still love him.

His reactions to stress can be extreme so there's always that part of me that thinks he's ill. For example, once he covered his face with his hat and refused to talk to me, and another time he just walked out on a freezing day in his slippers. And I do.sorry that he's ill.

It's all just very confusing.

Thank you for the replies and letting me vent.

Presumably this is about him demanding more sex? These threads usually are, sorry OP.

Oh OP, I do feel for you. Your husband sounds very hard to live with, and from many of the behaviours that you have described, he sounds quite possibly clinically I'll.

Or a cheat.

Already having an exit plan and threatening you with selling the family home are behaviours that cheats exhibit:- a separation plan in place because they think they'll have a soft landing with the affair partner if you divorce; the threat of housing instability a way of keeping you anxious and in check while he pursues his affair.

Additionally, the change of heart around valentine's could indicate that he had planned to "work late" that night and take out the affair partner, so he had got you prepared for that. But when it became apparent that she wasn't available for valentine's, he then had the night free and got you a present instead out of the blue.

Cheats also like to dangle couples therapy out there as they can then say that they "tried everything" when inevitably things fail leaving you the villain while they go waltzing off with their affair partner.

Either way, he sounds as if he needs professional help - and you need to be mindful of your mental health and that of your child while he sorts himself out.

Thank you for all the advice.

He does need help but his mantra is he's fine. And refused to take his antidepressants as they don't help.

I'm shielding our son from all of this.

So he wants to be free from responsibility (hence the monogamy and marriage vow thing), he wants you to take responsibility for his emotions and well-being (hence the affection complaints and the therapy ultimatum), he wants to keep you on unstable ground so you’re always trying to please him (hence the silent treatment, then the sudden love bomb).

This is not love. This is control.

You are not lost—you are being emotionally manipulated into doubting your own reality. If you take a step back, this is actually very clear: he is manufacturing a crisis to put you on the defensive so that he can get what he wants.

If you didn’t feel obligated to stay, if you weren’t afraid of what he might do, would you want to work on this marriage? Or are you just afraid of what happens if you say no?

He wants you to behave. He wants you to do therapy. He wants you to change..

What do YOU want, OP?

Manufacturing a crisis. So accurate.

That's what abusers do.

Their victims are taken by surprise and panic.

Do you still have sex? It sounds like there is no intimacy?

He's just had a operation so there's been no intimacy while he's recovered for the last month.

I find it hard to be affectionate after being told all the things I'm doing wrong.

Does he mean couples therapy or individual therapy? Because no accredited couples counsellor would take you on if s/he judged it an abusive relationship.

He's already having individual therapy. He now wants couples therapy.