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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is what heartbreak feels like! It sucks

25 replies

maleNeedshelp · 16/02/2025 21:37

I’m a week into a break up with the love of my life. Everyday gets harder, not easier & I’ve cried every day since. I’m pulling on everything I have to resist the urge to message her, but it’s so difficult. I can’t focus on anything, work is suffering and even my second love (football team) scoring just doesn’t bring me joy. I can’t even turn to football as she is a season ticket holder at the team we love, so watching them play at home will just make me think of her too.

OP posts:
EG94 · 16/02/2025 21:39

It does and will get easier. Just remember you’ve survived 100% of your hardest days.

there will come a day you unlove her and you won’t even realise when that day is. You’ll just think of her and realise you haven’t thought of her in months and it will dawn on you that you unloved her some time ago.

Lmnop22 · 16/02/2025 21:40

I promise it gets easier. All you can do is get through it minute by minute if that’s what it takes and try and focus on friends and family and your interests.

Remember that you go through grief when you lose a partner as you would if someone you loved died and you need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself time and space to heal.

Original poster
maleNeedshelp · 16/02/2025 21:42

EG94 · 16/02/2025 21:39

It does and will get easier. Just remember you’ve survived 100% of your hardest days.

there will come a day you unlove her and you won’t even realise when that day is. You’ll just think of her and realise you haven’t thought of her in months and it will dawn on you that you unloved her some time ago.

Thank you.

OP posts:
NameChanges123 · 16/02/2025 21:48

It's going to be tough - and you're probably not going to start feeling anywhere near ok for a long time.

Just concentrate on getting through each day. The days will pass and you will start to see some light, eventually.

I would console myself with the fact that, IF the relationship was right it wouldn't have ended. And the end could be making way for something much better in the future with someone else, as yet unrealised.

Xx

Original poster
maleNeedshelp · 16/02/2025 21:58

NameChanges123 · 16/02/2025 21:48

It's going to be tough - and you're probably not going to start feeling anywhere near ok for a long time.

Just concentrate on getting through each day. The days will pass and you will start to see some light, eventually.

I would console myself with the fact that, IF the relationship was right it wouldn't have ended. And the end could be making way for something much better in the future with someone else, as yet unrealised.

Xx

All I keep doing is blaming myself that I didn’t do things quicker & now it’s too late

OP posts:
NameChanges123 · 16/02/2025 22:00

What was the situation, op?

Original poster
maleNeedshelp · 16/02/2025 22:07

NameChanges123 · 16/02/2025 22:00

What was the situation, op?

Long distance, discussed moving up to live with her but had to deal with my house down here first. That’s taken longer to deal with and I also have children here too. Since, she has lost a member of her family she was really close to and our relationship has been difficult since & we haven’t really seen each other as much. When we do see eachother it’s amazing, but when we’re apart she seems to drift

OP posts:
Yeoldlondoncheese · 16/02/2025 22:10

maleNeedshelp · 16/02/2025 22:07

Long distance, discussed moving up to live with her but had to deal with my house down here first. That’s taken longer to deal with and I also have children here too. Since, she has lost a member of her family she was really close to and our relationship has been difficult since & we haven’t really seen each other as much. When we do see eachother it’s amazing, but when we’re apart she seems to drift

Edited
Show quote history

You were going to move away from your children to live with her? How old are they?

Notaboutthebass · 17/02/2025 07:55

@maleNeedshelp how are you doing today?

Original poster
maleNeedshelp · 18/02/2025 20:15

Notaboutthebass · 17/02/2025 07:55

@maleNeedshelp how are you doing today?

Really not good, but thank you for asking

OP posts:
Original poster
maleNeedshelp · 18/02/2025 20:22

It didn’t end on the best of notes, which I regret. I’m supposed to be going to football at the weekend and I know she will be there. Do I message her before and say that I am going and leave her with the decision of going to the same pub, or do I not bother saying anything?

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 18/02/2025 20:22

@maleNeedshelp sorry to hear this. It's unclear who finished the relationship, was it her?

Original poster
maleNeedshelp · 18/02/2025 20:25

Notaboutthebass · 18/02/2025 20:22

@maleNeedshelp sorry to hear this. It's unclear who finished the relationship, was it her?

Yes, it was her. We’ve had arguments before, like anyone and we’ve always come back and spoke, but this has now been a week with zero contact and I fear that this might actually be it. I want to message to see if she is okay, but also want to respect her wishes. As I said above, I’m mean to be going to football on the weekend so I’m conflicted on what to do

OP posts:
BatInATopHat · 18/02/2025 20:27

Don't go to the football, don't message her, focus on your children.

Notaboutthebass · 18/02/2025 20:48

Why don't you ask how she is?

Original poster
maleNeedshelp · 18/02/2025 20:50

Notaboutthebass · 18/02/2025 20:48

Why don't you ask how she is?

That’s what I was thinking of doing. She is going through a rough time with a family bereavement as well, so I know that’s effecting her

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 18/02/2025 20:53

Maybe she's not been thinking straight and she does actually need you.

Original poster
maleNeedshelp · 18/02/2025 20:58

Notaboutthebass · 18/02/2025 20:53

Maybe she's not been thinking straight and she does actually need you.

I would like to think so, but I don’t know. I think she would have reached out by now if she did. She has verbalised that she is overwhelmed and the thought of a conversation, or doing anything is too much right now, but I also can’t help but go back to her words of I’m not in love with you anymore, I dont have the urge to see you anymore creep into my head. I’ve tried to tell myself that it might be because of the loss of a close family member but also can’t help think there is truth in it. Who knows.

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 19/02/2025 12:37

I'm sorry but if she's said these things to you, it's over.

Original poster
maleNeedshelp · 19/02/2025 12:38

Notaboutthebass · 19/02/2025 12:37

I'm sorry but if she's said these things to you, it's over.

It’s just mad, as when we see eachother it’s the complete opposite and she wants to build a future. It’s a complete mess up

OP posts:
Notaboutthebass · 19/02/2025 12:40

So, what you're saying is she's said she doesn't love you and then she does?

Original poster
maleNeedshelp · 19/02/2025 12:42

Notaboutthebass · 19/02/2025 12:40

So, what you're saying is she's said she doesn't love you and then she does?

She has said she always loves me, but isn’t in love with me. But two weeks ago when we were together she tells me she doesn’t want to ever say bye to me ever again and that she wants a future

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 19/02/2025 12:50

I had the worst heartbreak of my life in 2019. I was up to my knees in snow, 8,000 miles from home and the reason we broke up wasn’t because he didn’t love me but because of a set of circumstances that made it impossible for us to be together, it was total and utter abject misery for us both. I will remember it for the rest of my life and it’s taken me this long to think about dating again.

But you WILL get past it, I promise. She’s drawn boundaries by saying what she has said to you, and I am sure it is hugely confusing when she’s acting one way and saying the opposite. But you have to take what she says as the truth and to be honest it doesn’t sound as if she is in the right headspace to be in a relationship currently anyway.

I wouldn’t go to the football, I would find seek out some mates who aren’t involved in your team and spend them time with them - or with your children if they are with you this weekend - give her space, if it’s going quiet then I think you need to muster all the dignity you can and not correspond with her.

Distract yourself this weekend - do whatever you can to keep busy. One foot in front of each other, it’s slow progress, but it is progress. Don’t think too far ahead, don’t dwell too much on the past. And believe it or not, you are already past your worst day - which is day one of the grief. I wish you luck.

Notaboutthebass · 19/02/2025 12:52

You can't be with someone who uses you as an emotional crutch and isn't in love with you.

BashfulClam · 19/02/2025 13:30

Seeing her at this stage will be hard. You need a clean break, it hurts almost physically but you keep on going and as said above one day you’ll realise you haven’t thought of her for a while. Build you life without her for now. I had my heart smashed 20 years ago and didn’t really deal with it well but I have rejection issues due to ADHD. I have been with my husband for 17 years so I moved on, you will too.

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