Husband with depression and I’m struggling

[ShinytimESs]

My husband has suffered bouts of depression over the years. We’ve been together 10 years and have 2 young children. The most recent bout was the worst and he agreed to seek help which he has never done when I’ve asked him before- he’s now having CBT which I’m incredibly proud of him for as I know it’s taken him a lot to make this step. But at the moment it feels like everything I say and do is wrong, he goes off to bed for hours or just won’t speak to me, I have to to beg him to eat. Last night he said some horrible, very personal things to me which have left me deeply uspet. He did apologise after but today has once again been moody and criticising me. I feel so sad when I’m really trying my hardest to look after everyone.

Does anyone have any experiences of this who could give me some advice or words of comfort? I love him very much but am struggling to see a way through at the moment.

I'm really sorry to hear this. It must be difficult for both of you and I have no advice I'm afraid x

Hi! Mental health professional here!

Being in a relationship with a partner with depression or any other mental health condition can be incredibly challenging. Your relationship can be impacted.

I would strongly recommend some counselling for yourself to be able to cope better with the ups and downs that can come with depression.

Following as similar here

Sorry you are going through this.
Keep in mind the good times, not to sound cheesy but - every cloud will pass.

If DH meets your emotional needs when he's not suffering with depression then keep sight of that and just be there for him through these hard times. Take time for yourself as well. Go for walks, coffee with a friend etc just to get some light in the dark

I found therapy (had a variety) extremely difficult. It dragged so much negative memories/emotions up and I'd go home in tears feeling absolutely washed out (multiple NHS psychologists). Being made to confront certain issues made me so angry I lashed out all around me. So possibly it will get better as he progresses through therapy.

Is he taking medication along side the cbt?

Living with someone with mental health issues is inherently difficult. I know I've put my dh through hell over the years thanks to ptsd, depression and postpartum psychosis. However there are no quick fixes. I personally didn't find therapy particularly useful at all for dealing with depression although emdr helped for pstd. For future, keeping a note of "triggers" might be useful. For example if my sleep gets particularly bad, my mental health spirals out of control.

You need support as well. Whether that's friends, family or professional. As well as carving time for yourself rather than getting bogged down looking after what's essentially 3 children.

Was in a relationship wiyh someone who was fabulous when well but distant and llike a stranger when he was unwell. It nearly broke me. I would get some counselling too.

It’s a difficult road. But despite the fact he has MH issues it’s not okay for him to treat you as his emotional punch bag. Please look after yourself too, and make sure you tell him it’s not okay to say awful things in the first place. If he’s feeling not okay he needs to leave, go for a walk etc until he sorts his head out. Staying in the bedroom isn’t good for his MH either. Lived experience of this so I know what you’re going through ❤️

Thank you for the responses, kind words and advice- it’s truly appreciated. I know this will pass and hopefully we will come out stronger the other side… just tough right now!

DH is only having CBT currently but I have suggested he speaks to GP too about anti- depressants but he isn’t keen to do that at the moment.

I will make sure I carve some time out for myself. I have amazing parents and good friends, I’ve been avoiding speaking to anyone about it as I felt disloyal as my DH js quite closed off about his feelings but I know I do need support too.

Thank you again.

Regardless of DH mental health diagnosis, you do not deserve to be treated as an emotional punch bag or verbally abused.
You need to draw some boundaries and plan for times that DH starts acting like this. I would take myself out of the situation and get some support for myself.
Also, you do realise that just because your DH suffers with his MH, you don’t have to stay if he’s not treating you well or you are miserable. You matter too.

If is behaviour is affecting your relationship and family life, he needs to do everything to fix that, such as starting antidepressants. As you say, this isn’t his first bout of MH.
It wouldn’t be wrong, if you feel his behaviour is upsetting you, to ask him to move out while he sorts himself out.
I wish I’d done this with my DH as, looking back, my kids lived with behaviours that they shouldn’t have.

DHs depression and anxiety nearly broke me. It coincided with having baby DD and I lost myself entirely for a good 2 years.

As we both started to climb out of it DH started falling again and I had to get very serious with him, in that I couldn't continue a relationship with him if he left his depression untreated. That means anti depressants and therapy when they're needed. Sometimes together.

He's not on anti depressants continually but when he starts spiraling he's straight back on them and we have regular check ups about his mental health.

Ultimately, I know dh is struggling but my firm boundary is that he's not allowed to negatively effect either me or our 2 DDs, and I won't accept any behavior that does.

He knows I'm prepared to walk but he also knows he has my full support in whatever treatment he needs.

It's a fine line and it's really fucking hard! Sympathy for the person with the illness but MORE sympathy for the partner who has to hold it together in the background.

Thank you- this is really helpful. I’m sorry you went through this. We also both struggled after the birth of our second DD. With this bout I did say to him that if he didn’t get help, I’d have to have a serious think about our relationship as I didn’t want our children to suffer.

I’m going to put firmer boundaries in place and make it clearer Im hear to support him if he is doing all he can to work on his MH but if he isn’t I can’t stay.

I have had very rough times with my mental health and obviously my dh found it hard as he was worried about me - just as I was worried when he had a serious illness that required extensive surgery to address.

I wasn't nasty to him though. Because I have some awareness of my responsibility to others, and I was profoundly aware of the need to minimise the impact on my family as much as possible. I basically forced myself to put on an act for them.

I can't see how dealing with the shame of having mistreated you is going to help his recovery - unless somehow he believes he no longer has responsibility for his actions. In which case he has presumably lost his job as well.

Its the unwillingness to try meds that would annoy me. If his illness presents as him speaking appallingly to you and treating you badly, that should he an incentive to do anything necessary to sort the problem. As another poster has said, supporting him doesn't mean your boundaries have to disappear.

I feel for you. It's very tough for you and him. My DH is finally emerging from a bout of depression after 6 months. It drags you dien, doesn't it?
Will your DH try antidepressants? They've helped my DH a lot. My poor DH tries everything to help himself including counselling, exercise, healthy diet, mindfulness, meditation, gratitude etc. Sometimes the depression is still too overwhelming.

I feel exactly the same as you. We are going through a bad patch at the moment and I’m heartbroken. He can be so cruel. When he is on a good time I know never to believe it will last. I didn’t have children can’t blame it completely on him but I do. Of course I know I could have left and made changes anyway that ship has sailed I find comfort in my two gorgeous dogs. Ha I hate gone off on a tangent but my point is I understand xx

I was very naive about what depression was when my DH got it. I expected sadness, tiredness but I didn't expect how aggressive and nasty he was towards me. He gave the silent treatment for Weeks or would explode.
He was also unable to make any kind of decision and take responsibility for anything. He would not take ADs.

I very nearly left. Absolute solidarity with you OP as i know how hard it is.
Look after yourself and put in boundaries of what you Will accept. I really wish I'd done that sooner.

I’m the mother of an adult DD with depression, anxiety, ADHD and PTSD. Obviously it’s a different dynamic but I can feel your pain. And it’s exhausting.

Me too I have learnt a lot. Thanks for those kind words. I have great family and good friends I also love running well any exercise really!! But running is just mine I did the London marathon a couple of weeks ago but thing I have ever done xx

So exhausting I feel for you too my lovely. Thank god for my job and family and friends xx

He needs to see the GP this week, get prescribed some AD and hopefully you can move forward. Your life doesn’t sound much fun. Your DH’s condition is affecting the lives of people around him so he needs to do whatever he can to help himself and them.
CBT and AD at the very least.

Being depressed doesn’t give anyone rights to mistreat another person. I’m strongly against making special allowances for people who display hurtful relationship behaviours and justify it by saying ‚but it’s because I’m depressed’. There’s a difference between stonewalling your partner and saying ‘honey, I might be a bit grumpy and quiet today, I’m just feeling low and need time alone’.

Agree with @dontbeabsurd .

It’s not good that this is longstanding and he’s not doing the ‘right things’, to his, your and the DCs’ detriment, whilst appreciating that’s hard when things are difficult, nor that you’ve tolerated that.

Many of us with MH who are parents do a lot to work on this: exercise, food, avoiding alcohol and late nights, talking therapy, meds.

You don’t have to stay. Sounds harsh but you matter too, as PP have said.