ND / ASD and PDA - any wording tips??

[CinnamonTart]

DH is undiagnosed high functioning ASD - he agrees also. He has very strong PDA reactions and as such I can’t seem to ask him for anything.

He shows little to no affection or emotional support. I have realised this is a deal breaker for me and we need a compromise. We’ve been married for 20 years and I don’t want a plutonic affectionless marriage.

How do I broach this in a kind, non-triggering way without making him feel manipulated?
On occasion I’ve told him I’m feeling sad - I haven’t said why. His response is ‘right’ or ‘ok’. He has explained that me saying that makes him feel that he’s expected to respond in some way, which annoys him and he can’t offer me any emotional support to ‘lift me up’.

I want to get the wording right and feel I have one shot at this or he will get quite angry and withdraw and then he’ll feel the pressure to be affectionate, which will result in him being even less so.

if I use declarative language, he sees it as passive aggressive (which it is tbf), so I’m not sure how else to approach it.

TIA

Are you able to have a discussion with him about this and how you get what you want? Is he self aware to know what will work?

What is the compromise you would like? He's not an affectionate person, I think that is a fact that you just have to accept. How does he respond to you being affectionate? If he responds well then maybe the answer is to just be more affectionate yourself. You're not going to be able to change who he is - and him trying to be more affectionate because you want him to be is likely at best to last a few weeks before he drifts back to being who he really is.

If him being more affectionate is a dealbreaker then i think you're looking at ending the relationship rather than coming to a compromise tbh.

I don't understand though why you would tell him you're feeling sad without telling him why - what's the point? Is it because he'll react badly to what you say? TBH this all sounds like incredibly hard work and I'm not sure why you didn't end it a long time ago, it's sounds absolutely miserable for you.

@Eldermilleniallyogii that’s actually a very good idea - thank you. We’re going through couples counselling, so I can raise this in our next appointment as it’s so key for all our communication.

@Lou205 it’s hard to answer that one, as I see him being affectionate to our youngest, so it is something he can do if he chooses to. So perhaps he just doesn’t want to.

But I think he needs to know this about me - and if he flatly refuses to offer any affection whatsoever, then I have my answer. I think it’s reasonable to ask. I just want to do it in the least triggering way, to increase the chances that he will try.

Was he always like this?

It’s deteriorated over the years.

So why do you assume it’s some form of of ND and not just him turning into a miserable arse?

I’m no expert but I thought if you’re ND, you start off that way.