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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to back off re: buying house together?

7 replies

DrMoribundus · 16/02/2025 14:45

Been with DP for 7 years. Good relationship. Stable and drama free. We have loads of fun together. My DC love him.

He also has DC. I share mine with ex who is closeby and we have a good set up. DPs kids don't come to his often now (mum moved away after divorce and kids now teens busy social lives etc don't want to spend weekends at dads 2 hours away).
He rents. I own. He earns more than me. We don't share any finances but he is generous financially.
My house is too small for him to move into.
His rent is £££ and he spends 4-5 nights a week at mine so it's wasted money. His rent is due to go up again later this year.
Lots of (mutual) chat about me selling my house and us buying somewhere bigger (with me ringfencing my equity) but as time goes on nothing is actually happening to start this process. I've asked about preserving our free weekends to clear/declutter my house etc (needs doing before putting it on market) but instead he books us weekends away and doesn't initiate actually doing anything to start this process.

My house is small but it's plenty big enough for me and my DC. I can afford the mortgage on my own.

WIBU to just be passive now and stop pushing as he it's looking like he doesn't want this enough to make any sort of real effort? I feel like why should I, as the one risking more, be having to push him to action. He has WAY more to gain from this move than I do.

I want to live with him but I'm not desperate for it. Have been through the mill in the past and am very much a realist when it comes to romantic relationships.

AIBU and uncaring?

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 16/02/2025 14:50

Hi op
Does he contribute towards his keep if he stays with you all the time ?

Achyarms · 16/02/2025 14:51

I wouldn’t. Just keep things as they are

DrMoribundus · 16/02/2025 14:58

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/02/2025 14:50

Hi op
Does he contribute towards his keep if he stays with you all the time ?

Yes he does. He's 100% not a cocklodger.

OP posts:
NeedsMustNet · 16/02/2025 22:04

I would tell him what you plan to do - that you are going to stop taking steps to sell your house. Explain that you won’t put your house on the market or make steps to if he doesn’t want to prioritise you both living together over the more short term focussed things you both have going on - like weekends away, Find a good form of non-accusatory words. Ask him if your hunch is right - that he is not ready.

Being intentionally “passive” will lead to you becoming resentful about the path not taken in years to come. And will lead to him not understanding why you are becoming passive - he may interpret it as you not being interested in living together, which is not true.

Mum2jenny · 16/02/2025 22:10

Just Step back a little and don’t progress any action wrt your own house. Then see what happens. It seems that your current house suffices for all your current needs, so just let things drift a little. Then see if your DP steps up a bit.

PullTheBricksDown · 16/02/2025 22:12

Would the expectation be that a bigger house would be an incentive for his kids to come and visit? Or less of one as then it's not Dad's house? Or is that off the table regardless? Not sure how often he sees them.

LittleGreenDragons · 16/02/2025 22:51

Stop pushing for things that don't benefit you or your children. Think very hard about why you do that.

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