I feel like DH is in a toxic relationship with a friend

[IkeaJesusChrist]

I'm sorry for how long this is.

My DH is physically disabled, he is the most lovely and caring man you'd ever meet and he'd do anything for anyone but unfortunately I think sometimes he puts other people before himself when he shouldn't.

He has a lifelong friend (B) who is also physically disabled but it's a different disability, they rub along well, B and his wife are very sucessful and outgoing,

B quite often asks DH round his for a beer etc and they sometimes go out together with a wider group of mates, DH can't drive so he has to get a taxi to and from B's house which soon adds up (£25 there and back), we have a pub five minutes walk away from us but B refuses to go there for some unknown reason so DH is always paying for taxis to see B, because of this DH has recently been saying no when B invites him over.

Last weekend DH went out with B and a wider group of friends, they had a really good night and one of the first things DH said when he got back was that when it was time for his round the contactless didn't work and the card reader asked for his card PIN. He didn't know the PIN because he usually either pays via contactless on the card or via his phone and it's been ages since he used the PIN.

I already knew the payment amount and that it'd failed because I'd gotten a notification on my phone.

Noneless another friend (T) paid for DH's round, DH was extremely apologetic and said to T to ping him his bank details and he'd pay him back immediately, T said don't be daft, just remember his PIN for next time.

B was out again last night and invited DH out a few hours later, however at this point it was nearly 20:00 and DH was a bit reluctant. Out of nowhere B told DH that DH owed T £50 from last time, DH was stunned and immediately messaged back saying no it was £27 as he had a failed payment on his account, B has read the message but not responded.

DH is seething and I can see why but he's keeping it to himself, either T has lied to B and B has believed it or B himself has lied. There were six of them out in total, when it came to DH's round one person didn't want another drink and nonetheless it wasn't £10 a pint anyway - it was £5.50 - £6 depending on the drink.

How does DH handle this? I think his eyes have been opened a bit and he's realising that it's always him getting taxis to see B, it's never reciprocated and the lies about how much he owes T has tipped him over the edge and he's annoyed.

DH has other friends but he's known B a very long time and I worry about his social life if DH calls time on it.

Just ignore what B says about the debt. He's mistaken and to delve into the reasons why is not necessary.
Just pay back the money to T and move on. Not knowing your own PIN is pretty embarrassing. I mean every few transactions in a shop you must enter it?!
As for the travelling. He must just invite them to a location nearer to him, if they refuse then either go to them or don't bother. I think it's fair that people do meet half way at least some of the time. But is it worth losing a large friendship group over?

I think there are a few elements which are blowing this out of proportion in your dh's mind.

If you take the card payment and misunderstanding about amount in isolation there is no issue at all, a simple misunderstanding. These things happen and to be fair he may be remembering another round later on which was more expensive etc.

The issue is the fact your dh feels taken advantage of because he always has to visit the friend and burden the cost.

The second issue is his reluctance to speak to his friend about this and address the issue - skirting around the issue inviting him to a new place may not be suitable or create anxiety if the places they know well and usually go would feel safe there.

He needs to have a direct conversation as the miscommunication is to blame

Also I have done the pin thing loads just get him to look at his banking app which sorts it

It's none of Bob's business. Just refuse to talk to Bob about it. If I was your husband I would contact Terry (via text so he has proof) and ask again for his bank details so he can transfer the £27 owed.

Regarding taxies that's more difficult as they obviously have a preferred meeting place. However, your DH doesn't have to go so often or he can invite Bob over.

I think the first thing is to pay back T. I'd put the £50 down to a joke or misunderstanding.
DH can just say no to getting a taxi to his friends and just say he can't afford the taxi fare. It's no big deal IMO.
Next time he goes out with the big group he can just see how he feels and take it from there. Maybe give it a few weeks so his emotions aren't so high.

You are quite wrong. I have to enter my PIN maybe once every 2 years and I use my cards a lot.

OP your DH needs to speak up. Say he wants to meet at near pub and if B says no then Say 'ah well I'll have to give it a miss as it's adding £25 per outing and I can't do that. Next time we can meet at near pub. Have a nice time tonight'
Then next time if B says no he needs to speak up and say yeah, we went to yours last time so we'll meet up at my pub this time. T that's cool with you yes?'

He needs to be assertive. If B flat out refuses then it's time to let that friendship go until B decides to stop being a prick

You are quite wrong. I have to enter my PIN maybe once every 2 years and I use my cards a lot.

She's not "quite wrong". Maybe it depends on your bank but mine asks for a pin every so often, definitely more frequently than every two years.

How was the message about the £50 worded? Are you sure it wasn't a joke, like, "are you avoiding us because you owe T £50" in a bid to wind your DH up and get him out? It doesn't sound that toxic to me. It sounds like B is just a bit of a lazy friend who only likes to go to certain places. I know someone like this, and our friendship has fizzled out because I got sick of always having to do things on their terms. But it wasn't toxic or malicious on their part, they're just set in their ways. Some people aren't as flexible as others.

@crankytoes Well I wasn't making it up. What you mean is your experience is different? I still maintain that not knowing your own PIN is foolish.

Did T buy a further round on your DH’s account, that would make it £50…

In answer to the PIN question DH got a new card roughly a year ago, he used the PIN once and since then he's paid via contact less or his phone so he'd forgotten the PIN.

The message from B about DH owing T £50 was serious, not joking.

There's so much more I could write about B but it's not my place, I personally don't like him that much, I think he's a bit of a prick who thinks he's made it because his wife has a brilliant career whist he stays at home and drinks himself into oblivion. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

DH hasn't heard from B and he's not going to chase after him.

No, there was only one round that DH was meant to buy, DH left about an hour after T stepped in, before he left he spoke to T again and again T told him not to be daft.