Is he being controlling or is this normal?

[HW24]

In a new mum so I’m half way through my maternity leave. I’ve always been extremely independent I’ve never relied on a partner for anything until now. So obviously whilst on maternity I will meet up with friends for baby groups & coffee. I’ll go and see my mom maybe stay there once in a blue moon. I literally look after our baby 95% of the time I expect nothing from my partner however whatever I do is an issue. He constantly brings up well you go for coffee I don’t do anything. He will kick off if I try to stay
at my moms etc. if I ask him to look after our baby for any length of time so I can have a break it’s bought up well I go for coffee or I do this or that.
When we both know full well he goes and plays golf every other week, he’ll go and get a hair cut or treatment he goes to the gym etc whenever he wants.
it’s really grinding me down but I don’t want to let him control me in this way. as I try to say it’s not ok for him to control what I’m doing but he just get defensive and continuously lets me know he works all the time how his life isn’t fair!

is this a normal part of having a baby and new parenting as people say it’s hard at this point. or is he just being controlling?

No its not normal.

It shouldn't be a case of you "trying" to stay with your mum - if you want to visit, just go.

If he's just jealous that you're on maternity and he's working, then he needs to catch himself on. Don't give in to him kicking off over it (if you intend to stay with him). He needs to learn his behaviour isn't going to fly.

Honestly you need to go out more and connect with friends and family. Don't let him shrink your world. Your relationship shouldn't be a battlefield, but if you don't stand up for yourself, he'll increase the ante.

Obviously if it's that he is abusive and this is the beginning of coercive control, then you need to leave him.

Controlling
It seems it’s pretty common just after the birth of a baby. The man thinks you can’t leave…you absolutely can. Go to your mum's and stay there.

Yes, he's controlling you, trying anyway.
Next time he complains that you go for coffee reply yes, me and dc like to get out, it's good for both of us.
How exactly does it affect you?

Not normal

It is definitely an adjustment becoming parents and not just being able to do whatever you want whenever you want, but I think the question really is do you get equal “free” time? That’s what needs to be fair.

I’m also on maternity leave with my baby and we prioritise having equal “time off” and that has avoided arguments, my husband knows it’s not easy looking after a baby solo all day just like I know it’s not easy for him going to work all day, it’s important we both get a break. And a “break” isn’t me going for a coffee with baby in tow just like his “break” isn’t him being at work.

We make sure we both get a chance to go to the gym, to meet friends, even just have a long bath or watch TV in peace!

It sounds like he see’s your time with baby as your break, easy way around that- go out and let him do a day in your life.

That's unacceptable and you need to put a stop to it now.

You work 10 hours a day looking after the baby. He works 10 hours a day commuting and working. The remainder of the time should be split evenly. He looks after baby while you go to the gym or see friends or family, or have your hair cut. Then you look after the baby while he plays golf or whatever. Weekends are split, you get a lie-in one day, he gets a lie in on the other.

Does it feel like he's trying to prevent you from seeing your friends or your mum, or is he just trying to get out of child care? Neither is acceptable but being controlling is more worrying. Avoiding childcare is just lazy.

Look Mark, you need to back the fuck off from going on about me going for coffee like I’m swanning off for cocktails at the fucking Ritz. It’s fucking coffee in Costa with my Mum on the ONE year I’ve had off work since being an adult. You are ruining my maternity leave for me and I refuse to be some downtrodden wife who isn’t allowed out. I do 95 percent of the baby stuff and you do golf, gym, haircuts so you have your own freedom outside of work.

I can’t believe you are that jealous of me having a coffee and a natter in our local town. Is this how parenting is going to be now? You pissy that you’re in work, while I care for our child. I won’t have it. If you don’t like the set up anymore feel free to leave and I can spend the rest of my days swanning around in Cafe Nero, Costa, Starbucks till my heart’s content.

You say you have always been extremely independent and never had to rely on your partner until the baby has arrived. That tells me that both of you are not used to compromising or thinking about how actions affect the other person and vice versa. You both need to sit down and have an open conversation about each other’s needs and work out a compromise so there is no resentment.
Also, do you spend any time together? Do you go for coffee together with baby or is it always separate. Possibly he feels a bit left out. You did say you look after the baby 95% of the time. Why is that? Why is your partner not more involved with the baby?

I’m not sure it’s controlling as such, but he sounds like an utter wanker, completely envious and resentful you’re not working and hugely disrespectful. And no my husband wasn’t like this, or any man I know.

He is being ridiculous. Assume you have the baby with you when going for coffee / visit your mum, so hardly a break. It’s a bad idea you do everything, he needs to pull his weight with his own child so you get a break. I couldn’t put up with this behaviour.

This

It's most definitely controlling for clarity

It's one rule for him and quite another for you. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

He saw your independence as an additional challenge to bring you down.
Controlling behaviour is rooted in abuse and I would think carefully about your relationship as a whole. Is this really a relationship you want to remain in, I would say not. And I bet you do not go to the hairdresser/dentist/optician as often as he does either.

Do read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

Yes well that’s how I’ve been handling it is not letting him do that to me I’m quite a strong minded person so I won’t give in it’s just tiring!
And it’s hard now we have a beautiful baby getting to the point of when to say enough is enough 🤷🏻‍♀️

If my partner said "you go for coffee?" My response would be "and?" Is coffee some big treat you don't deserve? And I assume you're taking the baby?

I'd asking him why he seems resentful of you spending time with your child , visiting friends or family. And why he is resentful to spend time alone with his child.

Yes well that’s how I’ve been handling it is not letting him do that to me I’m quite a strong minded person so I won’t give in it’s just tiring!
And it’s hard now we have a beautiful baby getting to the point of when to say enough is enough 🤷🏻‍♀️
and no he’s not “abusive” in that way

OP your experience resonated with me because this was very similar to mine when I had my first child.
My DH and I had all sorts of issues after DC1 was born, then we had DC2 very soon after, which obviously exacerbated existing unresolved issues.
Neither of us had family nearby who could help or provide childcare for babysitting if we ever wanted to go out together. Our resentment towards one another grew and I would hear that same response: "Well, you go out for coffees with friends. I don't do anything" those coffees with new mum friends and meeting up with old ones kept me sane as I dealt with the isolation and drudgery of being a first-time parent.

If you are here looking for advice I would offer you this, really look at who this man is and the version of himself he is showing you.
It sounds as if he cannot offer you the support you deserve, and you providing 95% of the childcare responsibility is a clear indication of his commitment towards you and your child.

His view could be that he's providing the salary and that's his contribution but there's so much more to fatherhood and being a partner than this!

Exactly this!!

I know and it’s so difficult and I get so infuriated with him because I know I’m doing nothing wrong, nothing is expected of him he’s got such a good life if he could only see past his own nose!
There are times where he does and he wants to to take the little one swimming or have daddy time but it’s few and far between. And then gives his negative opinions and complains PROFUSELY of all my time is then not spent with him or that’s when he’s “hard done to”
as I’ve said I’m strong minded and will not give in to this is just exhausting! And I do really try and sit him down to say this isn’t ok etc and he just get defensive but it’s lap hard come to the decision of enough is enough 😓

There is no I in TEAM and he is an I.

My stbexh was exactly the same. He was resentful about me being off and expected me to do everything around the house and 99% of care for our son. Whenever I voiced my thoughts/opinions on it he'd get angry with me so I didn't say things anymore. Things never really improved.

It sounds like he is finding it difficult that so much of your time is taken up by the baby and if you have any 'free' time you prefer to spend it with friends or your mum rather than him. Basically jealous, can you try to find time to do things together rather than you both doing your own things whenever you are free? And things as a family.