Husband ended marriage?

[coffeemaker123]

Hi,

Today I gave DH my bank card to pay for fuel. I was in the car. When he came back from paying, he handed me a sandwich I’d also asked him to grab for me, no bank card but, with 2 DC and us going on a day out, it slipped my mind.

Once we’d finished our day out, he wanted some beer so I said I’d go into the shop as I knew we needed some nappies too for smallest DC. At this point I asked him for my bank card, to which he started raking through his wallet, pockets and car. He couldn’t find it but told me to give him longer to find it before blocking it.

Got home and he still hadn’t found it. He started saying he was adamant he’d given me it and then started smiling and trying to be lighthearted saying I was wrong to be annoyed as he hadn’t meant to do it.
I got DC into the house and I hear, ‘come here’ shouted at me. He’d found my bank card in the centre of the car, down the side of my seat.

He then started saying he knew he’d given it to me and it must have fell out of my pocket, making a huge show of repeating it was on ‘my side’ so it was my fault. When I pointed out I didn’t have any pockets as my coat was in the boot, so clearly he didn’t hand it to me as I’d have put it away in my phone case, where I keep it, he started to change (what I think could have happened is he’s had it in his hand when he’s given me the sandwich and dropped it).

He started repeatedly asking why was I getting so angry for (I wasn’t at all) so I told him I didn’t like what he was doing and I could see what he was doing (felt like complete gaslighting with the tone of voice and repetition). He then completely lost it and started shouting about how I was a bitch and how we just needed to bin things off if I’m going to say things like that, he isn’t doing this with me etc etc.
This was before tea time and he’s now giving me the silent treatment, not spoken a word to me since. Surely this isn’t normal behaviour?

How this would go in our house, none of this come here to show me exactly where it was found, just Dh saying I found it in the car. That would be the end of it. No blame, just a mistake and we would move on grateful we had found it. But then both Dh and I can accept if we made the mistake. We would just be more careful next time but then we both have a card for the joint account so neither of us needs the card from the other person.

Also name calling in any disagreement is abusive. The argument is about the issue not being a bitch. And silent treatment is also abusive. You can google both those behaviours if you don't believe me. That alone is enough that you need to sit down and have a talk about communication and how to deal with things going forward. It is not a great example to set to your children about how adult relationships work.

He was looking for a fight - and you haven't given him one hence the silent treatment.

If this is unusual behaviour on his part, somethings going on.

We have a joint account but just pay for our fuel separately out of our ‘own’ disposable income. He said he was running low on money.

He’s got a long history with complete disorganisation and inability to do most things including household tasks and I often feel he tries to do things to cause upset.
I don’t even know what to think - saying we should end things over something so silly..

I’m sure he manages just fine at work. Why does he apparently have an inability to do household tasks?. Weaponised incompetence is a thing too.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He’s crossed that line too with the silent treatment and the rest of it.

Do you want to remain married to him?. I think you’d be better off without him in your day to day life.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

He doesn’t see things apparently and seems to think everything is fine. He would never just go and clean a toilet for example, think to run the hoover round or take on some of the mental load of the household. He needs to be told or asked to do most things and then will start a debate about why he thinks it doesn’t need doing etc etc.
He refuses to iron for example so will pile all the DC’s clothes to put away (without doing so), yet when I take some bits back out to iron, he tells me I can’t complain about ironing then, because I’m choosing to give myself the work (rather than him just help me out now and then).

You raise an interesting point about weaponised incompetence, I often wonder if someone really can be like that or if it’s on purpose. I’ve been trying for a long time to keep ‘something’ but sadly and slowly, he’s starting to become more unattractive as he’s like a teenager rather than a dependable life partner.

Give him what he wants and file for divorce. Or at least tell him you've downloaded the form. But he's a twat. He planned all that, the clue is in the don't cancel it yet. He knew that was safe as no one else had it to spend on it.

It just seems such an overreaction for nothing!
He’s been sat downstairs all night and not a word or a message as I’ve taken myself upstairs. At least I can sit in silence of my own choosing!

I’ve been reading up on the WI. He relies heavily on his dad to do things for him or myself. Acts like a lost child with things like planning his own life but if his friends want to arrange something, he’s there no worries.

Only the other night he put a wash load on, then remembered later on he’d done it. He couldn’t be bothered to put it on the airer (he tells me I don’t put things ‘right’ on the airer) so went to the effort of putting it on a timer to re-wash the next day.

So actually he could have handed you the card with your sandwich but you didn’t see it so it slipped away during the handover.

So actually no one did anything wrong.

But you ended up in a fight anyway.

I'm too old for that sort of shit.

Are you actually happy with your lot? If not change it.

He sounds exhausting. Have you considered ending it yourself?

Something is very wrong here. It's not about mislaying a bank card. He seems quite uncontrollably angry with you and/or himself.

I think this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. He laid in bed this morning whilst I got up with the DC and then came downstairs as I was making them breakfast. Didn’t say anything for ages but then out of nowhere just smirked and asked what was for his breakfast, no apology or anything. The furthest I’ve got today is he’s very upset I was trying to paint such a bad image of him and that he was also upset because I cooked a lovely looking meal for the DC last night and not him.

My life feels very miserable and difficult and it’s mainly to do with him when I really sit and think about it, which I don’t have time to do in the week. I’ve asked so many times for him to do more, take on some mental load etc but he just won’t. He’s happy to just coast by on the path of least resistance, in all life areas.

I’ve said for ages just as one example, we need to start weekly swimming as it’s an important life skill and we can’t quite afford lessons right now, so at least need to try something ourselves. He’d just happily never mention it again so if I don’t physically say, we’re doing this, it’s booked or on at X time, come on, it will never happen.

We were meant to have a beef dinner today that I left with him as the other day he made a show of how he wanted to cook it. I’ve been doing 900 other jobs today and now he’s said he ‘forgot’ it was to do, so now that’s ruined, despite me completing a weekly meal plan that’s on the fridge.

I’m constantly so stressed out because I physically can’t do everything myself and yet it feels more torturous having someone here who could help, yet won’t. I spend ages driving myself mad, wondering why he won’t do it, what would make him do it. I also wonder how on earth I’d manage financially by myself. Feel a bit trapped really and don’t have anyone else to talk to or help 😞

What is your housing and financial situation?

Sounds like he's a total drag and leaving might be for the best even if you had a smaller home, because you're be doing everything but for fewer people, and you'd have no shitty moods too deal with. Sorry, what rubbish.

We have a joint mortgage - 4 bedroom home. I’ve just started a new job but I’ve taken a pay cut because it goes back to a trainee role for just over a year, until I complete the qualification as part of it, then I go back to what I was but with further earning and progression potential after that.

It’s just awful, I feel like I couldn’t manage by myself but what’s the point of being so unhappy and having that around the children who’re the most important