Can you be friends with someone whose parenting style differs to yours?

[shrekone]

Hi all, I am having a bit of a dilemma because one of my closest friends appears to have very different parenting techniques to me, and it’s weighing on my mind. We both have toddlers the same age for context and spend a considerable amount of time together.

Some examples:

• Heavy use of threats, especially surrounding meal times. I.e. “If you don’t eat some more broccoli, there will be no pudding,” and “If you don’t eat this, I won’t take you to soft play.” Obviously these threats are issued at her child and not mine, but sometimes mine seems worried if it’s regarding an activity we are all about to go to, as she thinks we will not be going or they will not be joining ( when ultimately they are just empty threats.)

• Obsessed with sharing - don’t get me wrong, I believe in encouraging sharing as it teaches compassion and empathy but my friend kind of forces it, without letting the children attempt to figure it out themselves. Obviously if my child was to physically take a toy off of hers, I would interject and remove it off her, I’m talking about times where one child has something and it’s ’okay you have it for 2 minutes; after the alarm it’s so and so’s.’ It’s all so rigid and stressful at times.

•And lastly, the use of the word ‘naughty.’ I absolutely hate this!!!! She often refers to my child as naughty, so much so that she has started to call herself a “naughty girl” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying her behaviour isn’t challenging at times because it is, I just really dislike negatively labelling children. She has never hurt my friend or her child, all the “naughtiness” is just typical 2 year old stuff.

I feel awful even making this post as it paints her in such a bad light but she truly is one of my closest friends and our children are so close. She is an amazing mum and I know she loves her child so much; and mine too, but I can’t help but feel bothered by these things. She has helped me get through some dark times, and made motherhood so much more enjoyable. I’m just questioning whether others think that the negatives listed are harmful to my child, as that is obviously my main priority. I think I could let slide the first and second point; but it’s the third one that really bugs me as I worry it will affect her self esteem or make her behaviour worse as she believes he is “naughty.”

Am I being too precious to consider distancing myself from her over this? Or would others feel a similar way?

I’ve know her since our children were both newborn, and at the time we met we seemed quite aligned on parenting techniques but now our children are toddlers it feels like the differences between us are more obvious and obviously I fully get all parents have a right to parent how they want and that’s there businesses, I’m just coming at it from a ‘how could this affect my child’ type of view.

Thanks for reading if you got this far x

I think you can overlook this if you don't see her much, but if you do then it won't work.
We have this issue with my SIL, I feel her kids' (my children's' cousins) act in a way that I don't like, as a result of her parenting and so we try to limited time spent together as I feel they will negatively influence my children.

It's awkward when you don't necessarily match in parenting styles, but try and have an open mind also. Remember gentle parenting doesn't work with some children, and also threats can work!

Honestly I can't. It bothers me too much and especially I couldn't stand it if she was telling off my kid etc without good reason. I'd distance myself and I'd probably tell her why, too.

Yes but you can’t go on holiday with them!!

Also can’t bear ‘naughty’.

You've only known her a couple of years. She calls your child naughty and thinks that's ok (am assuming your child has their moments but isn't a demon). That's not on. If that's what she is saying to your face, imagine what she says behind your back.

No, I would have to distance myself. I've had that too with a friend and it just makes me not want to hang out with her. It all gets better once they're at school and everyone realises there is a middle ground. Or rather, if it doesn't get better then, you know you've got a real problem and need to bail 😃

I really dislike being around parents who make battles around food or threats around food. It's partly a personal thing and partly because I think it gives children a complex. So I'd personally avoid meal times with her and do other activities.

Very rude to call your child naughty and I would be tempted to call her out if you can face it!

@wizzywig I see what you mean, with the ‘naughty’ comments, I genuinely don’t think she sees an issue with it. That’s why I feel conflicted because I love her to pieces as a friend, although we haven’t known each that long; we have spent so much time together since our children were babies. I would feel so bad abandoning the friendship because my child is so bonded to her too, that’s what makes it so hard.
Sometimes I find it hard to make the right decision hence why I posted on here for advice, I do appreciate your comment and others as I was expecting people to say the opposite and that I’m being too uptight! So it’s definitely given me something to think about, as much as I wish I didn’t have to.

I’m split. A part of me resonates with you because I remember when my 1st child was a toddler and I felt the same about my friend and her parenting style. 8 years on, plus another child, I’ve realised it’s always going to happen. There will always be a difference in parenting styles and it may rub you up the wrong way but ultimately, kids are going to experience all types of behaviours. I just explain everyone has different rules/ways of doing things. However, if it’s creating too much friction, keep some distance, which will likely happen anyway if it’s playing on your mind this much.

If your friend calls your child naughty, correct her. I’ve never called my kids naughty/had anyone else say it. Just something like “Oh behave, Lily isn’t naughty, she’s 2!”.

Agree with pp, correct her on the naughty comment but otherwise I think you're being a bit precious. I have mum friends who are obsessive about veganism, religious, encourage fierce competition. I don't agree with any of it but it enriches my DC's lives to see alternative ways of approaching life.

Unfortunately you will encounter this more as your child grows up. I’ve recently ended a friendship as she allowed her daughter to constantly be on her mobile including at my daughter’s birthday party. My house rule is that I don’t allow phones in bedrooms but she wasn’t happy with this as she wants to be able to communicate with her at all times. I pointed out that she could phone me to check on her daughter but she wasn’t happy with this. My daughter it transpired wasn’t that sad about the friendship ending as she said her friend is boring!

My mate was a complete helicopter dm. Drove me nuts. Her ds was horrifically behaved.. I never said a word. Oddly if i ever babysat them they were very well behaved.. They did see me parenting my dc a lot.. Maybe they preferred my parenting ways! I think you need to stand up for your dc and make it clear you won't allow the naughty word directed at them..
Reduce the amount of time spent together...

Next time you could just insist that you are in every selfie they take and you can live stream with your new besties. Phone will probably be drop kicked out of the window in seconds.

I have a few friends with different parenting styles , two friends are my rules / do as I say not as I do. One friend is pretty slack but then will lose it. I'd guess they find me a bit soft. I don't mind meeting with kids but I wouldn't have anyone over riding my parenting and vice versa

Point 1 I'd ignore . If your dc says can we still go I'd say something quietly like "it's up to their mummy if they go and it's up to me if we go so there's no need to worry"

Point 2 at her house, their toys their rules. At yours or in public I'd say, " no im not timing dd as she had it first when she has finished I'll make sure your dc gets it"

Point 3 "don't call my dd naughty it's not a word I use "

If it continues despite you putting boundaries in place I'd make her an adult time friend.

I think you should ask her to stop calling your child naughty. Perhaps just spend slightly less time with her (maybe she’ll get in a huff about your request which might kill two birds with one stone lol). No need to end the friendship but maybe just protect your child from her bad parenting by reducing contact a bit, especially at meal times etc. More broadly it would annoy me to hang out with someone who has managed to ignore all the ample good parenting advice out there!

@discdiscsnap thank you, this is really helpful!
Reading your response has made me feel like I have serious issues as although I am not afraid to stand up for my child around others, for some reason the thought of doing it to her makes me feel really nervous. I’m sure that is a ‘me’ problem though and not about her, as she has been nothing but kind to me since we’ve met.

I will try this approach as it kind of leaves the ball in her court as to whether she respects my boundaries or not, then I would feel less bad ending the friendship.

That’s actually a good idea. Although my daughter finds the trout pout social media thing absurd and is mortified that I have a Facebook account…. So I can be in a local gardening group 🤣.

Remember it's a lot easier to advise it on Mumsnet than actually do it!! My son's autistic I've had to get comfortable with advocating for him.

I think if you're considering pulling back on the friendship you have nothing to lose in trying.

If your good friends , could you not just say-
We love your company etc but I dislike the word naughty and I’m making sure I don’t use it so please don’t use it . I know x can be a pickle but i am trying to use other techniques rather than naughty !

end off ?

Or
Im reading How to talk so little kids listen . I am implementing some ideas. We have not been using the word naughty and it’s so effective …..
(would she take the hint ?

if not- remind her . Oh remember I said I’m not using that word. Please can you not

@Pinkflowerpower thank you, that’s a good way to word it. I don’t want to offend her but at the same time know that it’s grating on me and need to let her know. So that seems like a good compromise. I have actually got that book so that is a good idea!

In my experience it's hard to be friends with someone who parents so differently to you. I had to take a step back from a friend due to her passive parenting. Her ds was never given consequences for his awful behaviour, it was just excuse after excuse as to why he's snatching, hitting his mum or swinging from her hair. In the end I couldn't stand to be around either of them and I lost respect for her as a parent. If I were you I would distance myself or at the very least tell her to stop calling your kid naughty.