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Original poster

Is he controlling or am I overthinking it

8 replies

Pinkdoorsky · 15/02/2025 18:10

been together for 12 years, two kids!

bit of a long read but I need some opinions that aren’t from friends or family…

we are currently saving for a big travel trip, so money is as you can imagine all going towards that. But I had a girls night with family which had been organised weeks ago which was of cost £30/£40 maybe £60 at most (cost of train to get to my mums) . When I Mentioned it to him after he explained that we had £300 spare. He reacted like he always does with a reason not to go! Or just gets moody and stops talking about it.
I can’t help but feel he doesn’t like me doing anything on my own. Like going on nights out of having a few drinks with friends.
in the past he has acted short with me because I have been doing something on my own. My friend live in Bristol and when I have mentioned going to see her which I never get to do he says why do you need to do that but girls have nights away with there friends and mini breaks etc but it makes me question my actions. But I feel like I miss out on so many things. We travel so I don’t get to see friends and family a lot either
I feel like am a fair person but not sure if it’s me being unfair or he’s controlling ??

OP posts:
Springadorable · 15/02/2025 18:27

Is he spending the same on regular nights out with the lads? If so he's being unreasonable. If he's not and you are just off spending when you've agreed to save I can see why he's annoyed. How does he react to a cheap night e.g wine at a local friend house so £10?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2025 18:36

He needs to become your ex. You are with Mr Wrong.

His moodiness towards you is emotional abuse and in addition he is controlling. It’s one rule for him to and quite another for you. He does not want you to go out because he thinks you’re going to run off with another man. He really does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Don’t further make this man your kids main male role model.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2025 18:39

What he wants is for you to not go out at all or at least for you to get to the point you no
longer bother to see your friends because of the arguments he causes.

RickiRaccoon · 15/02/2025 18:55

It's hard to say for sure if he's controlling or you're just not on the same page.

If he just doesn't want you spending money or doesn't want to do the sole childcare, you're maybe just not on the same page. If he doesn't have his own friends, it could be he's a little jealous of your outside relationships. If he wants you to stay in with him all the time and trying to stop you without good reason, then he's controlling.

I think you need to try and understand his reasoning and decide if it's something you can continue to live with.

Original poster
Pinkdoorsky · 15/02/2025 23:14

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2025 18:36

He needs to become your ex. You are with Mr Wrong.

His moodiness towards you is emotional abuse and in addition he is controlling. It’s one rule for him to and quite another for you. He does not want you to go out because he thinks you’re going to run off with another man. He really does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Don’t further make this man your kids main male role model.

I feel he gets annoyed and brushes it off and it doesn’t get spoken about again. Then I kind of feel bad like I have asked for a lot.
am not a mum who spends anytime away from my children I homeschool, I don’t over spend on myself I don’t pay for my hair nails or gym. But just this particular evening came up and yet again there is a reason not to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkdoorsky · 15/02/2025 23:19

RickiRaccoon · 15/02/2025 18:55

It's hard to say for sure if he's controlling or you're just not on the same page.

If he just doesn't want you spending money or doesn't want to do the sole childcare, you're maybe just not on the same page. If he doesn't have his own friends, it could be he's a little jealous of your outside relationships. If he wants you to stay in with him all the time and trying to stop you without good reason, then he's controlling.

I think you need to try and understand his reasoning and decide if it's something you can continue to live with.

He has friends more then me actually, but never makes the time to spend with them so I feel bad like this situation comes up and I want to go he makes it an issue.
am not done some who is out every weekend or spends all the money on myself.
I feel he reacts the same whenever it’s me going out with my sisters or friends to have a drink.
but I also respect we are saving that why I think is it me. But I feel I have got to the point now I never put off asking!

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 15/02/2025 23:23

Pinkdoorsky · 15/02/2025 23:19

He has friends more then me actually, but never makes the time to spend with them so I feel bad like this situation comes up and I want to go he makes it an issue.
am not done some who is out every weekend or spends all the money on myself.
I feel he reacts the same whenever it’s me going out with my sisters or friends to have a drink.
but I also respect we are saving that why I think is it me. But I feel I have got to the point now I never put off asking!

Show quote history

You don’t need to ask. You’re an adult. If you want to go out, you can. You don’t need his permission.

Does he go out? Or spend money on hobbies, etc?

Original poster
Pinkdoorsky · 15/02/2025 23:34

ForZanyAquaViewer · 15/02/2025 23:23

You don’t need to ask. You’re an adult. If you want to go out, you can. You don’t need his permission.

Does he go out? Or spend money on hobbies, etc?

Show quote history

Your right I shouldn’t have to ask!!! He wouldn’t have to ask me!
no he doesn’t but he also never makes any effort, which I do say he should weather that be going on a coffee or beers with his mates
we are full time travellers, nomads so getting opportunities to see friends and family is far and very few between so sometimes I want to make that effort and if that means spending a little money I feel like I should be able

OP posts:
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