Just need to vent...... Do you HAVE to get on with your mum?

[2beautifulgirls]

My situation is this, i have not had a relationship with my mum for over a year now.

She was and still is very controlling over me, acts like a child if she doesn't get her own way. Has no time for anyone has doesn't agree with her and i hate her. (sorry i know that is harsh but is honestly how i feel)
Basically just over a year ago i had a serious car accident was hospitalised for just over a week, during that time my hubby and 2 kids stayed with my mother and step dad. My children were 7 months and 2 years at the time. When i first left hospital i stayed there too for a week. Then hubbys mum came from America to help out for 3 weeks, i wanted to go home to be in own house/bed and had DH mums help. Also my mum is a heavy smoker and smokes in the house, car whereever she please even after being asked not too and both i and the children had coughs from the smoke.
When i told her that we were going home the following day she went crazy, didn't speak to me, then said it was all hubbys doing, I wasn't ready to go home, Wasn't fair on the children etc. She then got drunk, went over to the neighbours, came back slamming doors acting childish.
The next day when we went to leave she argued with me, then hubbys mum said thanks for having me and went to hug her and my mum turned her back. (this is the second time they have met and the second time she has been rude to her for no reason). It was embarassed that my mum would treat someone like that.
Anyway things just got worse, she would come and take the children out have them overnight but not speak to me or hubby, this was just something that was established before all this happened and just continued for a few months until we moved 60 miles away.
When she had the children she never respected our wishes. IE, the eldest we had worked had to get her into her own bed and night and stay there, she no longer had a bottle. When she went to nannies she got given a bottle and slept in nannies bed. She ruled the house when there ie if she didn't want to do something she didn't. Was never told no. Nannie never brushed her hair because it was thick and curly and nannie said she didn't like it!!! If i was there and DD was doing something wrong i would say no don't do that and then my mum would say mummy said no!
My DD1 was from a previous relationship and was always favourite DD2 always got treated differently. Never got as much attention etc.

So we moved away and my mum went mad, crazy, phoning my dad, nan, anyone telling them i was doing wrong then slamming the phone down on them when they didn't say what she wanted to hear.
Sorry for such a long post just so fed up of everyone saying she is your mum, she should see your kids etc. When they don't bother to ask what my life has really been like. Why do people think mothers have a right to do whatever they please and be forgiven to do it all over again?
They is so much more she has said and done but would take all week to type it out. Do you think i am wrong not want a relationship with her?

No you are not wrong.

I too have a mother who only wants things her way. She is very selfish and even when hubbie was away for my x 3 pregnancies(had them all very close together),she did very little to help me at all. In fact, I disagreed with her once over something IN MY OWN HOUSE!!!and she slapped me across the face in front of my Dad and my then very young kids! This is something that's always been like this. We used to have cat-fights when I was younger-she would slap me and after a while-although I know you really shouldn't do it-I started slapping her back! She would then go to work and tell her colleagues that I'd given her a black eye etc!!!(Believe it or not, I am actually quite a nice person and I certainly wouldn't dream of treating my kids in the same way).Thing is, my dear old Dad now has dementia and suddenly the tables are turned. This sounds really awful but I almost feel like saying to her-like she said to me so many times-"Get on with it"!!! It's a shame really cos I absolutely adore my Dad and sometimes I have to think this is not about my Mum it's about him but I just can't help feeling "now see how it feels when you're isolated". Sorry...now i've had a rant aswell. Don't think i've been very helpful but at least you know you're not the only one who feels like that about your Mother!!!

Thanks thats all i needed to hear.
Just upsets me when i feel i can't turn to any of my family because she might find otu and they all think what i am doing is wrong. Only because they don't know full story and she is on there back all the time. The family that she has fallen out with each and every one including her own mum at one time or another.

2 beautifulgirls

I don't think you're wrong either not to want to have a relationship with such a toxic person. Controlling people are abusive in nature. You would not let a friend treat you in such a manner so why should a blood relative be treated any differently?.

Woudl suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. Think there is a section in there on controlling parents but it does cover all manner of toxic parents. Another book you may want to read is one called "When you and your Mum cannot be friends" (cannot recall author but its on Amazon).

Would also suggest you read the "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread part 3 on the Relationships page of this website.

Just because 'society', read that as 'joe bloggs' is blinkered into accepting bad behaviour by their family...and forgive it...for it to happen again by all this 'all mothers are angels in the making'/blood is thicker than water/what if your children did that to you/who changed your nappies/life is too short/forgive and forget/move on/she's your mum/its only because they care/but you must love her etc etc etc...does not mean that you have to! Well done you to having the guts and audacity(! ) to stand up to this abusive behaviour from your mother. The stately homes thread that attila mentioned is a good way to get support for difficult family relationships...or to separate or divorce your family. Yes it is done/has been done by many of us on the thread. You don't have to do this alone...get support, you will need it from somewhere other than your mother...and anyone else in real life that you can enlist to support you. Councelling is a good option too. And I'm making the assumption that you were abused by your family as this behaviour does not generally happen overnight...

thanks Attila and ally, your posts really have given me confidence in what i am and what i am standing up for. Nearly had me in tears.
Have been reading Through the stately home thread, but feel a bit of a fraud as i was not abused in a sense not physically anyway.
I am an only child and parents divorced at an early age because mother cheated. She had a boyfriend who beat her and raped her, along with letting others rape her (i found out this a few years back from my step dad, as this is why he puts up with her behaviour) when i first found this out my initial thought was where was i when this was happening????
Then she moved us 20 miles from the town i was at school at and had friends out to live in a house with the abusive man. Then finally split with him and started a relationship with her now husband, leaving me alone 5 days and nights a week to stay with him i was 12/13? i had to get up at 5am to catch the bus to get to school everyday. The only reason she came back two nights a week was because he had his children and they didn't know about the relationship.
I then started staying at a friends house on a regular basis until i lived they permenantly for 2 years spending birthdays, christmases etc there, seeing her every few weeks. She wasn't paying my friends parents anything! One christmas think i was about 13-14 she picked me up christmas eve from my boyfriends to spend xmas with me. When we got back to her house she said i am going to boyf house will be back around 12pm as his kids are coming to his then you will be ok won't you? No i went and spent xmas eve and day with my boyfriend and his parents i was 13?
I don't discuss these things with anyone in RL as i don't want people to know! i only recently told my nan as she was on my back about sorting things out with my mum. She was shocked and hopefully understands a little better now and isn't on my back so much.

It obviously really bothers you- and maybe you think you need to build bridges? if you were happy with the status quo, would you need to post?

I think you have 2 choices- to cut you r mum out of your life altogether, but TELL HER WHY - maybe in a letter. Or, to allow her into your life on your terms, in a controlled way.

There are no laws that say we have to love our parents. Most of us do, but there is no guarantee. I feel sorry for her, as she has messed up her life, yours to an extent, and is losing out on seeing her GDs.

Would you want her in your life if she was able to behave in a certain way? If so, you will need to spell that out to her. If not, then don't beat yourself up- move on.

It does really bother me, i am having to avoid family weddings and going to places to avoid her. Not just because i don't want to see her but because i don't want to cause a scene or spoil someone elses day.
To Be honest i miss having a mum but not the mum i had?
I would love to have a mum in my life, but like so many family have said to me, You are not going to change her she has been like that for 40+ years just accept it.
I know there is no way she would ever beable to behave in an acceptable way that would be beneficial to me and my family.
I wish i could just move on but its hard when i have people, family members asking if i've sent cards, done this that or the other and when i say no they say you should sort something out with her, let her see your children etc.
And i still have her interfering, calling, turning up at my friends houses trying to get them to side with her.
When she phones i always answer and she is always drunk, i tell her over and over what she has done wrong why i can't have her in my life. From the beginning i have said all i needed was an apology which i have never got. She just ends up shouting at me and not listening. The last time she called was a few weeks ago and after her shouting at me several times and me asking her not too i ended up putting the phone down.
She asked whay i didn't want her in my life, i told her that i didn't want her in my life to control me, i didn't want to have to be worried everytime i wanted to make a decision what she was going to think and how she would react. She screamed at me, you do everythjing the way u want, you had DD1 the way you wanted, DD2 the way you wanted and your wedding the way you wanted!!!!!
I am not suppose to have those things the way i want???
She wanted me to abort DD1, was very nasty and i had antenatal depression because of it? She didn't want me to have DD2 either as hubby initially didn't live in the country and my wedding well!!! She wanted me to have it at her house in her garden and i didn't want it there.

2beautifulgirls, you truly are not the only one to feel like this towards your mum. I've had no contact with my parents at all since last December at my instigation and I've never been happier. My mum also similarly to you actually hoped that I wouldn't get pregnant with my DH child, and when I did she hoped I'd miscarry. Some people just don't deserve the title mum.

How old is your mum if I can ask? I assumed she was 60 or 70s, but sounds as if she is still pretty young?

You need to take control. I think you are being pulled 2 ways- you want a mum, naturally, so you aren't really blocking her as much as you could.

Change your phone number and don't let her know it. Screen your calls and if it is her, don't answer. tell other friends and family that you are estranged, and don't want to discuss it.
Write her a letter and tell her that you want no contact.

I know it's hard, but if you really want to put an end to how she behaves, you will have to take some practical steps to make that happen.

she is in her 40s.

i've told people i don't want to talk about it but it doesn't stop them commenting. she involves everyone else they get fed up of it and then come moaning to me to sort it out as they want her off there back.
Hopefully it will all end next year as we are emigrating to America to be near DH family.
But i can't even tell anyone yet for fear they will tell her and then have her on my back for the next 12 months, i just can't enjoy and share anything in my life because of her.

Hi, I too don't speak to my Mum (and Dad). They are very difficult people to get along with and as parents have always been judgemental and critical.

I stopped contact with them when my young children started being dragged into it all. I didn't want my children being treated as I had been and I also didn't want them to see me being treated badly by my parents.

I haven't spoken to them in 16 months and although I feel sad, I would rather have no parents than be treated like that. I think you have to put YOUR family first (husband and children) and if your Mum can't behave decently then leave her to it.

oh boy, I would love to be emigrating and I wouldn't be telling my mum, I'd just go

Me too...in fact we looked into Australia but we would miss all our other (decent) relatives!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and comment and reassure me.
Sorry that this post seems so me me me, i hate posts like that
This is the first time i have been able to let it all out and so it did just that all came out and i couldn't stop myself