Page 2 | DP and moods - have I done something wrong?

Ryderrer · 2025-02-15T15:02:14+00:00

I planned a small birthday get to together for my partner - just a few friends and his family. He gets on well with his family and spends a lot of time with them. he found out I had planned this meal and said it was “stupid”, saying “only girls go for meals”, “it’s gonna be so awkward” etc. he’s now sat in silence all day, I asked him yesterday if he wanted me to cancel it but he said no. these are people he sees weekly - we’ve gone for meals with them loads of times it’s not out of the blue. his mum has just commented on how rude he’s being to me. he said he’s “annoyed that you’re annoyed with me, it doesn’t have to be a big happy day” hes Very rarely like this but I feel stuck. Nothing I say is good enough - if I’m quiet I’m moody, if I speak im making it a different type of day. ugh feel like shit. What can I do?

LetGoLetThem1234 · 15/02/2025 22:59

I'd (depending upon home ownership) either pack his bags or pack mine as soon as practicable.

This would be the end of the relationship.

Why did you spend so much time and effort on this man? Buying a computer, organising a birthday meal, after only 1 year?

In future rein in those actions to perhaps do that stuff in year 3.

Too much too soon.

NameChanges123 · 15/02/2025 23:13

Wow, he sounds like a prize c**t. Probably letting his true ugly colours shine through, finally. This is a taste of things to come.

If someone treated me like that, we wouldn't make it to the end of the day (and the computer would be confiscated).

Laszlomydarling · 15/02/2025 23:34

Sorry OP he sounds awful. What's he usually like on special occasions? There's a certain type of man who will ruin all special occasions as a way to make you try even harder. Could this be the case?

Chillibeds · 16/02/2025 00:14

Buying a computer, organising a whole ass dinner, together one year?

Too much. Too desperate.
He thinks you are absolutely desperate for him.
Hence the mask, such as it was, is dropped.
Return that computer.
Too too much.

Toulousetoolose · 16/02/2025 00:15

Misogynistic prick

snowflakelake · 16/02/2025 00:17

Thank goodness you are only a year in and no dc.
Just leave.
You are definitely worth more.

Normallynumb · 16/02/2025 00:42

You've done nothing wrong
I think his mask his slipping after being on his behaviour for most of the year
Take your computer back and keep it for yourself That's way too much for a BF of one year and tell him you're done
Don't give him another chance to treat you like shit.
You're worth more than this.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/02/2025 00:51

You must have spent hundreds on his computer.. and the meal too?

Life and soul at the meal ( which you organised) and then ignoring you when you get back.

He sounds delightful. Take the computer, dump the man

NotaCoolMum · 16/02/2025 00:52

Please tell me you don’t live with this man. It usually takes a year or two to really start to see the authentic person and you’re just now learning exactly who this guy is.

Comfortablycosy · 16/02/2025 01:08

just over a year. Last birthday we just had a meal as both of us. But this year he’s been saying he needs to do more things with friends so wanted to plan something nice for him.

Nice moving of goalpost there. Now you’re the villain. Throw him back.

BilboBlaggin · 16/02/2025 09:28

Wow! I was expecting you to say several years. Honeymoon period over, initial glow dying down etc. If he’s treating you like this one year in then I’d be reconsidering the relationship. The fact he’s wanting to do more with friends makes me think he’s checking out. Is he getting commitment-phobia?

Value yourself OP. Don’t allow anyone to treat you badly. Life is too short.

Original poster

Ryderrer · 16/02/2025 12:10

He apologised a lot this morning, he said when he was talking to his friends he just had to act like that because he’d not seen them in while but still felt awful. I’m not sure what to think of that other than it’s bull shit or he just thinks he can treat me however he wants. He said at home he doesn’t need to put on a show and can just be himself.

he said he was sorry he was down and that I could have asked him if he wanted to watch a film or cuddle in the day but I didn’t and that annoyed him. He said “you’re not the miss angel either you’ve been moody before”. I’ve explained that I am still upset about it but he has said that he’s apologised and not much else he can do.

we do live together but I am going out on my own today to see my friend who’s home from Australia so will have time to think and talk through with her (if it comes up… I’m sure there’s more interesting aus stuff to talk about)

OP posts:

WrylyAmused · 16/02/2025 12:18

I think the key bit here is him expecting you to mindread.
"He said he was down and I could have asked him to cuddle but I didn't and that annoyed him"

So what he needs to learn and step up on is to use his words and his big boy voice and ask for what he needs.
If you're able to have that conversation and if he's able to hear it and take it on board, maybe there would be an improvement.

Also I hate the very common response of "well, maybe I did a bad thing, but you do (often unrelated) bad things too, so I'm ok and it's not really my fault" - needs to learn how to apologise gracefully and with accountability.

But depending how old he is, he may be too sweet in his ways and unwilling to change, so then you'll need to decide what you're happy with.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 16/02/2025 12:19

Ah right - he’s sorry, not sorry & anyway it was your fault really

yeah fuck that.

Imgoingtobefree · 16/02/2025 12:44

I’m wondering if he had some other plan for his birthday (perhaps more friend orientated) and was still working out how to sort it out, but you had scuppered that by kindly arranging something nice for his birthday.

He didn’t get over his mood until after he went to the pub - perhaps that’s what he had wanted to do all along.

Its not great behaviour, especially blaming you this morning.

Confusion about a partners behaviour can be the sign of a toxic relationship.

I would keep an eye open for further instances like this as a warning.

Chillibeds · 16/02/2025 12:58

Ryderrer · 16/02/2025 12:10

He apologised a lot this morning, he said when he was talking to his friends he just had to act like that because he’d not seen them in while but still felt awful. I’m not sure what to think of that other than it’s bull shit or he just thinks he can treat me however he wants. He said at home he doesn’t need to put on a show and can just be himself.

he said he was sorry he was down and that I could have asked him if he wanted to watch a film or cuddle in the day but I didn’t and that annoyed him. He said “you’re not the miss angel either you’ve been moody before”. I’ve explained that I am still upset about it but he has said that he’s apologised and not much else he can do.

we do live together but I am going out on my own today to see my friend who’s home from Australia so will have time to think and talk through with her (if it comes up… I’m sure there’s more interesting aus stuff to talk about)

No apology and then was nasty again accusing you of being no angel.
Classic abusive DARVO....look it up.

You clearly moved in together too quickly.

So sad.
He's a nasty prick, but you can never look back and say you weren't clearly warned one year in.

Only the most desperate of women stay after being treated as you have.

Remember that.
He showed you his truth, so you knew and yet you stayed.

Inflict him on poor children and you can blame no one but yourself.

I do wish you luck though.
Stay with this nasty prick and you will absolutely need it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/02/2025 14:18

WrylyAmused · 16/02/2025 12:18

I think the key bit here is him expecting you to mindread.
"He said he was down and I could have asked him to cuddle but I didn't and that annoyed him"

So what he needs to learn and step up on is to use his words and his big boy voice and ask for what he needs.
If you're able to have that conversation and if he's able to hear it and take it on board, maybe there would be an improvement.

Also I hate the very common response of "well, maybe I did a bad thing, but you do (often unrelated) bad things too, so I'm ok and it's not really my fault" - needs to learn how to apologise gracefully and with accountability.

But depending how old he is, he may be too sweet in his ways and unwilling to change, so then you'll need to decide what you're happy with.

Edited

Agree.
And his apology wasn't really an apology at all. He said the words and then said your fault too and nothing more he could do.... Well he could think about not behaving like that again.

To me his "apology" was really a way of carrying on the argument and a way of keeping you in the dog house for being so inconsiderate as to plan a nice birthday for him.

If he'd rather do something else he could have said so.. or .... here's an idea.... do it next weekend? Does it really matter that much, or need that much sulking to celebrate his birthday at the pub or whatever with his mates the following saturday?

dreamingofpalms · 16/02/2025 14:39

He's very unpleasant. I think you need to exit as I suspect his behaviour is going to escalate- there will more and more of this. Get out before it's too difficult

Notgivenuphope · 16/02/2025 14:40

Moods are a form of abuse OP. Just putting that out there

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 16/02/2025 16:34

Girls? Is he in his teens?

Alalalala · 16/02/2025 16:37

You’d be stupid to stay with him OP.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 16/02/2025 16:41

What's the living situation? Hopefully either rented or owned in just your name (so you can kick him out) or just his (so you can just leave). If he's like this in the first year, imagine how awful it's going to get when he gets away with it time after time.

Bananalanacake · 16/02/2025 16:59

You moved in too quickly if you've only been together a year, next time give it a good 3 to 4 years, that way it's much easier to do the slow fade when they turn out to be a selfish twat.