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Original poster

Sex (poss alcohol) problem with my man

13 replies

Loopys1234 · 15/02/2025 09:03

I've been with my partner for 12 years, mostly happy during that time but I'm starting to suspect a drinking problem which I'm gently asking him about.

We used to have a good sex life but it drifts sometimes with pressures of kids and work and lately when we do get down to it, it takes time a long time to finish. Once it was taking over an hour, I was getting tired - he was sad but seemed pragmatic and said it was OK for me to go to bed. I settled down but then he followed me wanting more sex and wanting to finish, it wasn't super fun for me but I felt bad for him.

We have talked about it and his take is that I'm not enthusiastic enough for long enough. I do feel really guilty....But I get tired when we've! It's starting to feel like hard work when he takes ages to come and I'm starting to dread sex because it takes so long 😩

I'm nervous to bring it up but is there any chance this could be delayed ejaculation from alcohol? Once we were doing it and I could see how watery and red his eyes were from drink and it was awful 😖

OP posts:
Organisedwannabe · 15/02/2025 09:04

How much does he drink?

Original poster
Loopys1234 · 15/02/2025 09:05

He hides it but sometimes a bottle of wine (but he'll lie and say it was a glass or two)

OP posts:
Organisedwannabe · 15/02/2025 09:16

Every night? Either way he has a problem with alcohol.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2025 09:19

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

I would be advising you to end this relationship entirely. You can do better for yourself here than a man with a drink problem leading into ED. He like so many alcoholics can badly underestimate how much they are drinking. If he can lie to himself so readily he can certainly lie to you openly. Denial is a powerful force.

Are you nervous to bring this up because of his potential reaction?. Yet another reason really to get rid.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Even if they do not see him drink they see all his empties in the recycling along with your reactions, both spoken and unspoken to him. You're likely to be codependent in this relationship which itself is an unhealthy state.

Drinking large amounts of alcohol can make it hard to get or maintain an erection. It's certainly affecting him sexually and it will be affecting him in other ways too. You do not want to end up being his carer.

Younginside · 15/02/2025 09:23

From my own experience with ex I'd say yes, booze can delay things. I did not enjoy the marathon sessions either, and I really noticed the difference when he was drinking less (everything in the relationship was so much better, not just sex). Sadly he was unable/unwilling to prioritise us, hence being an ex.

Original poster
Loopys1234 · 15/02/2025 09:27

He drinks most nights, varying amounts. It will sometimes stop then it will start again.

I did ask him about it once but he completely dismissed the idea that the "glass of wine " that he'd had would have had any effect on him at all.

I feel like he wants me to work harder but I feel dragged down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopys1234 · 15/02/2025 09:28

It's the fact that he's blaming it on me "looking bored and tired" that gets to me really.

OP posts:
Largestlegocollectionever · 15/02/2025 09:31

Urghhhh please walk away from this, he’s an energy vampire draining you, you will feel so much better without him sucking the life out of you!

Younginside · 15/02/2025 09:31

It's very common for someone who drinks heavily to try to make it someone else's problem. He's gaslighting you OP - the delayed ejaculation is his issue but he's not owning it, and making out that it's your problem for not being enthusiastic enough.

nodramaplz · 15/02/2025 09:33

A glass of wine a night won't have any bearing at all.
Neither would a bottle.
I don't drink but I know drinkers.
He's maybe masterbating
I don't think the problem is you. It's with him, whether it be a bit of erectile dysfunction or off loading before hand, maybe even not as attracted to you, stress off everyday life.
Who knows
Just be firm in boundaries.

username299 · 15/02/2025 09:37

There are loads of reasons for delayed ejaculation, I think the problem is the way he's blaming it on you and him using your body as a masturbatory aid.

If you don't enjoy sex with him, explain why and ask him to see a GP. If he drinks too much and yes, that's a reason, ask him to cut down or stop.

Ultimately all you can do is express how you feel and withdraw until he acts.

Lmnop22 · 15/02/2025 10:08

Stop having sex with him if you don’t want to!

You don’t owe him sex and maybe going without will encourage him to make a change

WillIEverBeOk · 15/02/2025 12:55

Yes, its called Brewers Droop. Alcohol has a serious affect on being able to get it up and perform, even finish.

From your descriptions its obvious he is a serious alcoholic and needs to get help.

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