Divorce advice

[talktomuch]

I have been married for 21 years, in a relationship for 23 years. We live in England and have one son who is 16. My husband is considering divorcing me as he does not love me anymore. Whilst i have always worked full time, my earning potential has been reduced being the main non work travelling carer. He has paid substantially more into pensions over the years and earns considerably more than me (more than double my earnings). Am I entitled to 50% of a pension accrued prior to our relationship starting? We have no debt, but no savings and 50% of the equity in our current house will not be enough for me to buy elsewhere and if I am entitled to this then it would help greatly help me rebuild my life. I understand that no one can give me a definitive answer, but any light that you can shed based on own experiences etc would really be helpful and appreciated

Are you of an age to be able to take the pension or are you hoping for more equity in the house instead of the pension?
And yes, I think you can expect 50%
And I wouldn’t wait for his consideration, I’d be ending it!

I am hoping for more equity in the house in order to fund a new home for myself and our son, but appreciate that the pension was frozen prior to our relationship starting.
If I were a pal I would be saying to myself exactly what you have there, get in first and leave, but I still love him and am hoping that it may come right - this has been going on since the middle of last year and at Christmas I gave him a deadline of the 31st Jan to work out his feelings and on the 31st Jan he said he wanted to move forward with me, but now he is flip flopping again.

It might be helpful to know your ages op.

If you've been together for 23 years presumably he didn't have that many years of paying into it pension before you met?

I think this probably is a case where you need some quick legal advice. Some solicitors will do a free half hour (sometimes over the phone) and if you got all your relevant info up together that might be enough.

And I agree with a pp - don't sit around waiting for him tto decide whether he wants to divorce you or not; take control of the situation.

I'm 51 and he is 60, our retirement ages are both 67. It's an RAF pension which although isn't full service is a fair amount

Cross posted with you op - it's going to be a nightmare for you if he keeps changing his mind. Really horrible.

Difficult though it is try to put your and your son's interests first - don't be jerked around by hiim

I think the general rule is that both people come out of a long relationship with equal amounts of money and assets, but again I think you need to get proper legal advice

Is there another woman, is it mid life crisis or MH?

Well there’s no automatic right to 50% if anything.

youll be entitled to a fair share which may be more or less
his pre marital assets can be brought into the pot if its deemed need to reach a fair settlement but its not automatic. Nor is it automatic that you’re entitled to 50%

what are your other assets and your earnings as that will be the biggest determining factor, along with your needs ( ie 2 bed house). You will be deemed able to get a mortgage along with equity you receive.

if you want more equity you may need to accept lower pension but it will all depend on the assets. You also have 16 years to retirement vs his 6 and that will be a consideration- ie you have longer to mortgage and longer to pay into your own pension

I'm not completely sure about the reason for it, it feels like some sort of mid life crisis- fairly sure that there is no other woman and MH seems good and in conversations where I have asked (respectfully and considerately) around this it doesn't seem to be a factor. My menopausal symptoms are variable and can be stressed but HRT is helping and I'm doing all I can in that regard so I don't think that's a considerable factor.

We do not have any other assets apart from the house and pensions, whilst I have more earning years, he earns more than double what I do so feel it evens out. Our son has leaning difficulties, and because of this his secondary schooling ended up being mainly at home via an online school meaning I had to factor this in career choices being the main non work travelling parent if that makes sense- he is now at college but needs considerable support.

I am just looking to be able to afford a small 2 bed house - so no service charges/ground rent of a leasehold (which I may not be able to afford in eventual retirement) and we also have a small aging dog who loves a garden. I'm not looking for anything extravagant, just a place to be

You will probably get a share of his pension. How much will be a matter of negotiation AFAIK. Wouldn't be surprised if there was an OW.m

You will get a share of pension
but if you want higher than 50% of house equity you will likely have to trade some pension share.

What equity is there? How much is a 2 bed? What are both your earnings? This is all important as well as understanding the pension valuation ( not 1-1 with equity) and your 10 years younger means you have 10 extra years to ‘rebuild’ and pay into a pension. As well as get a mortgage.

if you get a higher share of equity where will ex live? Is their raf housing? What about post retirement? He won’t be able to mortgage at 61, you can at 51

So while the whole I impacted my earnings argument is important, it’s by far the only thing and all the other factors become important considerations. but it will depend on the numbers

I came with the specific question around whether, in people's experience, a pension contributed to prior to a marriage could ever be considered part of the overall pot to be divided 50/50.

I appreciate that if I get more than a 50% share of the equity in the house then I will sacrifice pension, I am expecting that, all I am doing in the first instance (if it comes to it) is trying to secure a place to live for my son and I, pension at this stage seems to me to be a secondary issue to securing a roof over our head.

Our house (a three bed semi) is worth £600k, we still have £100k remaining on the mortgage. I would like ideally to remain close to my son's friends and college. The minimum I can find a 2 bed property for is £350k.

I would prefer not to go into additional info around salaries etc, it doesn't feel relevant to my original question.

My ex husband also had a military pension. He tried to say that the pension accrued before we were married was his alone.

This went nowhere and he didn’t get his way. I was told all assets in a marriage are considered joint assets.

However I was married a lot longer than you, but he had been paying into the pension for about 10 years before our marriage.

Not expecting you to go into detail or answer in here
im just presenting these as they are factors that will determine the answer to your original question which won’t be looked at in isolation

so the answer is

no you’re not automatically entitled to 50% of pension ( even accrued during marriage)

no the pre marriage pension isn’t automatically included or excluded. as you’re married a long time likely it will be included but it’s not automatic

Will you be entitled to a share of pension - yes

what % will depend on the other points and £ available for sharing along with your ages and incomes