Sort of DIL

[DinoLil]

How on earth do you negotiate a DC split with their DP of 10yrs, who calls you MIL, you call them DIL, and who you love like a daughter?

Obviously, my priority is DC, but I'm grieving too and I can't let them see.

They don't have DC but have a house together.

It's heartbreaking and does make you decide you are never letting yourself get as close again. Don't bad mouth her just be there for your son. After 10 years it is like a divorce in the family. It gets so caught up in worrying about your ds too so it is a very painful time. I shed many tears privately but as time passes you adjust but they do hold a place in your heart for a long time.

This has happened to many of us I guess and its awful especially if like myself you have no DDs . It's a very difficult time but there is nothing to stop you keeping in contact goi g fo a coffee or something if that's OK with her ?

Is there a reason you can't keep in touch with her? You've built a relationship and that doesn't go away because the marriage has ended. I don't think it's reasonable to expect everyone else to oust her from their life after such a long time.

@DinoLil This is such a heartbreaking and difficult situation, and I completely understand why you’re struggling . Your priority is, of course, your DC, but that does not take away from the deep bond you’ve formed with your DIL over the years. Grief is natural, and it’s okay to feel it – even if you have to be strong for your child .

That said, maintaining regular contact with your soon-to-be ex-DIL may not be the wisest choice in the long run, especially if your DC moves on and eventually marries someone new. A future DIL may not be comfortable with you having a close relationship with their partner’s ex, which could create tension in your family dynamics. If there were grandchildren involved, that would be different – staying connected would be more justifiable for the grandchildren’s sake.

Right now, the best approach might be to take some space and allow everyone time to adjust. If your relationship with your DIL naturally settles into a different but appropriate dynamic over time, that’s something you can navigate later. For now, focusing on supporting your DC while allowing yourself to grieve is the most important thing.

I haven’t been in this situation. My dd is 16 and not really had a proper boyfriend yet.

You love your dc’s ex. So it’s going to hurt a lot. Maybe let the dust settle a little then you tell her how you feel. She is perhaps also grieving your loss and if she is, I think doing so is a kindness to the two of you and will hopefully bring you a level of closure. Maybe you will be friends some time in the future or perhaps things are not meant to be.

I was the DIL with my ex husband 10 years, only married 18 months when split up. Unfortunately I just wanted a clean slate so I cut ties with MIL and all his family, she is a lovely lady and I had no problem with her. But I just wanted to not get dragged back there, her son had hurt me by having an affair and leaving me. It was all too much, she used to send me Christmas and birthday presents in the post, which was nice but I just wasn't interested. So if she does cut ties don't take it personally is what I am trying to say.

I would say it partly depends on why they split and whether the DIL wants to have a relationship with you.

I have a friend whose son's marriage ended. She loves him because he's her ds but has said that the split is completely his fault because he had a fling with another woman; she thinks he's been an idiot and she's still pretty close to her former DIL.