Hello all,
I’ve never posted on here and frankly never thought I would post on anything like this ever as a man, so please be gentle! However, it seems like a really appropriate forum to seek some advice/understanding maybe…I hope so. Apologies if this is too long as well.
So as the title suggests, my partner of 2 years left me a week ago citing poor mental health as the reason. To be absolutely clear, I don’t doubt her for a second for reasons I shall come on to and we’ve also spoken since and she’s actually been to the GP and been given medication for anxiety and depression, which I’m so pleased and proud of her for as it was something she was terrified of doing and that’s obviously a positive step.
There are lots of issues (I think) for her that have come to a sudden breaking point - death of her mother when she was younger, carrying huge amounts of guilt for all manner of things that objectively you shouldn’t feel so guilty about and that leading to very low self-worth. By far and away though, the biggest thing in our relationship has been her previous attempts at IVF, which failed sadly including one ectopic pregnancy. This was with an ex-partner.
I have two children from a previous marriage and I’ve always been open that I have no expectations about her getting involved - if she wants to great, if not that’s also fine. The kids have a wonderful mother and they don’t need another. That being said, I’d of obviously still liked to have spent time with my partner when I have the kids for my sake…they’re not massively interested in Dad anymore beyond dropping them off with mates! It’s pretty lonely to be honest. What has ended up happening though after she met them a few times is that she actively avoided the kids, which clearly became an issue.
We spoke about this and basically she stated she likes her life without the burden of children and wanted our time to be just that. I explained I’d quite happily work out weekends so we could have time together (we’re both shift workers so it’s not every weekend) but she had to accept that I actually do want to see them, so there’s got to be some understanding around that and also frankly I didn’t believe her. She dotes on her family, nieces and nephews especially like they were her own, so there’s idea she wanted nothing to do with a family was and is in my opinion, for the birds. It was also at this time that I asked if how she felt was anything to do with the IVF and not being able to have her own kids, something she never sought any help with afterwards.
And then we did just that and had a lovely holiday a few weeks ago then out of the blue, “I can’t do this anymore.” The issues around the kids came up again, although this time with some more honesty possibly and she explained that she wants to be involved with the three of us more than anything, there’s just something in her head that stops her and she doesn’t know what. That, along with the other issues, meant she felt she wanted to be on her own. What brought it on at that point I don’t know and I suspect she doesn’t either.
I’m obviously now heartbroken frankly and pretty confused by the whole thing as it was properly out the blue. I’ve done some reading on anxiety and depression since and to be honest I was devastated I hadn’t done so sooner. How she has been feeling must have been utterly horrific and I wish I’d known more earlier, whether that would have helped or not who knows. We’ve spoken honestly and calmly, I’ve explained my thoughts and that there’s no need to leave and I want to support her…she’s said if there was any other way she thought she could get better she’d do it and we’ve both been open we still very much love each other. I do get that if the kids is the issue you probably need to step away, but we don’t live together and as I said, I’ve no expectations around her being involved. It’s just really, really hard.
So after all that I suppose what I’m asking is if anyone has any advice on what to do/not to do, or if anyone has been through something similar? Clearly this isn’t something us blokes are going to feel the same about or certainly not in the same way, I wouldn’t wish to downplay the impact of failed IVF on male partners as well. I’ve been open that I’d want her to come back if she felt she wanted to down the line and the door is open…is that just foolish? I’m not after false hope (although I wouldn’t mind some genuine hope if there’s any of that going!) Most importantly of all though, I want her to be well and happy and I don’t want to get in the way of that. She’s an extraordinary, amazing woman who honestly brought me back to life after divorce, and if she could see herself how the rest of us do she’d never stop smiling. Ironically my kids included!
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for sticking with me! Hopefully some of you feel compelled to reply.