Totally demoralised by dating

[LuLu345678]

I’m seriously down about my bad luck in love and lack of a relationship for so long. I’ve been single 5 years and I’ve been on dates with about 100 guys in the last few years. Some just one date and the longest was a 5 month ‘relationship’. I cannot for the life of me get into a proper or long term relationship. I seem to attract such bad guys and now I am totally terrified of what is going to happen next if I continue dating.
I am trying and putting myself out there. But I’ve had some awful experiences in dating and I just don’t know how much longer I can do this for. Part of what keeps me doing it is the hope that maybe one day I’ll find a good guy and also the shame of being single which I find quite hard to deal with and I think I may want children (I am early 30s and the clock is ticking). I feel quite a lot of judgement from friends and society as a whole for being single so long and falling behind where my friends are in life.
To give some examples of the bad experiences I’ve had:

• date raped twice (3 years and 2 years ago) one resulted in pregnancy and an abortion.
• Stalked for months when I ended my last long term relationship 5 years ago.
• Physically assaulted.
• Spoken down to and belittled by a man who admitted upfront he was arrogant and had a superiority complex.
• Called cruel names and gaslit.
• Ghosted countless times even after a couple of months dating.
• Recently came out of a ‘relationship’ where the guy had a live in partner he was keeping from me. I had no idea. He treated me awfully towards the end and looking back I don’t know how I didn’t see the red flags.
• Love bombers.
• Negging.
• Conspiracy theorists.
• So many guys say they want a relationship with no intention of ever taking me seriously and just being after sex. Causal sex makes me feel awful about myself.
• ED.
• I’ve had a few dates with guys who seemed decent enough but I wasn’t attracted to them or they were quite insecure - saying I was out of their league ect. Lots of guys on OLD have poor personal hygiene, no job or home even in their 30s and this is not the kind of guy I am looking to be with.

I have my shit together, a good job, lots of friends, lots of hobbies, have my own home, fit, healthy, reasonably attractive, thoughtful and fun. But this is seriously getting me down now. I think I may be becoming depressed. I’m starting to really feel like there is something seriously wrong with me, perhaps I am giving out some sort of vibe I am not aware of, or am behaving in a way that causes me problems. At the end of the day I am the common denominator and I need to fix myself. I cannot do this any longer, I am so hurt and broken from these experiences. I have become really scared and jaded about dating. Surely this cannot be normal? I know so many people who get into relationships so easily and I just don’t get it. Does anyone have any ideas about what I could be doing wrong here? Has anyone else been in a similar boat and managed to turn things around? Thanks for reading 🙏

Hi @LuLu345678

I'm so sorry all those things happened to you. I can only relate to you my own experiences.

I also would attract terrible partners as well as friends and be totally oblivious to any red flags. I had childhood abuse issues, and it re-wires your brain to accept it or just not see it. It's not anything to do with stupidity. Emotional abuse and all other types can do this to you and at any age.

I have also been date raped, I believe, although the details were and are very hazy and I was in my twenties. Am now in my fifties.

It took a long long time for me to get help, as in psychotherapy, but that and my will to survive, I think, turned it around. Had I done it earlier, I would have been able to create much better relationships at an earlier point in time.

As it is, I'm in my fifties and still working on it all. I still have to try really hard to spot the issues.

Recently, I had a 6-month relationship but finished it as a few things started to show up. Nothing like as bad as in my younger days. I do wish I had had the help earlier, though. You've got lots of time. Reading and podcasts on the subjects really helped me with the healing process. Hope some of that helps.

If you really want to find Prince Charming, you will have to keep dating but change your approach and proceed ever so cautiously.

On the other hand, I feel being single is stress/ drama free compared to dating.

You are desperate to find someone so you are kissing a shedload of frogs. You need the self-belief to know you don’t have to bother with them.

Let go of the shame and the feeling you “ought” to have someone. Know within yourself that you’re better off without any of these losers. Be single.

Maybe one day you’ll meet someone, maybe you won’t. But if you love yourself it won’t matter. And it’s nobody else’s business.

And you only “may” want children, which is a bonus. Makes the biological clock not that important. But also accept that you can’t necessarily control whether you have children or not. But if it was super important to you, then it might be better to find a way to do it alone than with one of these losers.

If you can try a different perspective on a few things this it will help a lot. You wrote, "I feel quite a lot of judgement from friends and society as a whole for being single so long and falling behind where my friends are in life."
Many people in couples are not happy and many will end up single again soon enough. Try not to compare yourself with others and try not to assume that you know what they're thinking. I'm sure some of your friends have times when they are envious of your freedom.
If you broaden your social circle to include some other women who are single by choice and women of different ages that will be very refreshing for you. I think you need to take a break from dating for a while it has become masochistic, don't force yourself to date when you hate it. Why not explore other fun things you can do with your time and energy. You can also look into the idea of having a baby on your own if that's important to you. Right now you are probably not in the right state of mind to attract a great guy as you are depleted and feeling a bit desperate. Give yourself a well deserved break and some TLC.

Online dating made me feel similar OP. I tried for years and had some fun experiences but I never really clicked with anyone that I could see as any kind of a soul mate. I felt unlovable and a bit desperate by the whole thing.

Then I ended up meeting my husband at 32 in a real life encounter. We were talking for hours from the get go. It was the easiest relationship of my life. The funny thing is I don't think I'd have met up with him if we'd connected on a dating site, I had ideas of what I was looking for (height, for one thing) which it turned out to not be important to me after all.

For what it's worth I think it might be worth stepping back from the internet dates for a while and maximising your opportunities in real life- say yes to the after work drinks, the friends housewarming, the local clubs or volunteer groups. I think that chemical attraction you feel when it's right is something that is really hard to guess at through a screen.