Advice about reporting marital rape

[Buscake]

I left a domestically violent relationship in Nov. I was assessed at the highest risk and went to marac. There is children’s services involvement and he has no contact with the children for now. he has committed every kind of DV against me, every segment of the power/control wheel.

I am in therapy and am beginning to name what he has done to me. I accept he has raped me, I was deep deep in gaslit coercive control but it was rape.

I have had the thought about reporting this. There js a hideous divorce underway, awful dealings with CS because of what he has done to the children. I fear the potential repercussions but the reality is that there is no evidence. It’s just my word against his. So it’s unlikely to even proceed to an interview right?

I think I want this on record. For my sanity and my recovery, to take some agency. But also in case a woman applies under Clare’s law to see if he is dangerous.

has anyone experienced similar? Done similar? Am I opening up a hideous wound here? I have a phone call booked with my idva next week but in all honesty I haven’t found the service to be useful

Hi I don't have any advice about reporting, but I just wanted to say that I am so sorry this happened to you. It has happened to me too and I am nowhere near brave enough to report it. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you can find happiness.

@MakingPlans2025 Thank you. And I am really sorry this has happened to you too. I don’t know if I am just feeling brave today, but I do feel a shift in how it feels to me. That I would be doing it for me rather than against him.
And there is no right or wrong about it, I’m sure however you’re working through it is right for you. Everyone tells me that it takes time, they seem to be right unfortunately. Wishing you strength in your journey

<name changed for obvious reasons>

Hello darling. So sorry to hear what happened to you. It's good that you have found a therapist who works for you.

My DS2's father raped me frequently (DS was a result of this, but I would never let him know). I was so badly anally raped that I ended up in hospital with anal fissures, but he wouldn't leave my side so I wasn't able to tell anyone what happened and no-one questioned it. He made out it was an accident involving a vibrator when I was alone. This was many years ago (talking over 25 years, hopefully these days the hospital would find a way to ask questions) & I never reported the rape & abuse. Much to my regret as I suspect that left him able to do the same to other women, which I have no doubt he probably did. We were in & out of court for 8 years with him looking for, first residency & then contact with DS. But what he really wanted was a way to continue abusing me.

Finally he followed me back to my car (after a supervised contact visit in a contact centre), attacked me in front of DS, witnesses & CCTV cameras. I pressed charges and the courts stopped all contact as the judge agreed that neither me or DS were safe. He was given Probation for assault.

Good luck & hugs OP - you are a strong woman & well done. 😘

@ninelovelygranchildren I’m so sorry to hear about what you had to endure. Well done for getting out and for finding the strength to press charges. That is no mean feat. I am so sorry that the safeguards we expect nowadays did not exist then.

I guess what I am wondering is that in the absence of any physical or forensic evidence or testimony, what happens? I tried calling rape crisis but they just said they didn’t have the expertise to advise (which goes against what it says on their website!). Is it a painful horrendous can of worms? Or could it be part of my healing, moving forward and taking some control of an out of control series of events and years.

i am struggling with recognising that him initiating sex while I was asleep was rape because I would often climax after waking up during and enjoying it. If I declined sex at bedtime he would say ‘meet you at midnight?’which meant he would initiate it in my sleep. So was that consent? Because I knew it might happen?? It’s all very confusing.

so sorry you went through that it is not good that someone can do this to another person. I do think that you are right it is good to get everything out in the open so to speak partly to help you heal and hopefully to prevent another person going through this.
ninelovelygrandchildren it is awful how women are treated; a few years ago I saw a programme about vintage abuse think maybe the 40s I am sure it was. the man anally raped his wife and then beat her with a poker. she complained which was rare and as a result she was put in an asylum! it was considered she was tempting her man into the acts.
going back to reporting well could Women's Aid help? They are amazing people who have helped me a lot.
the thing is no means no it does not matter if at some point things changed for you it was started without your consent. It is wrong and you are not to blame.
I send you love and luck for a happier future hugs

Almost all rapes are word v word. This does not mean it won't proceed. .

Go to the police. If it does not end up before a court that's on others not on you.

You sound like a very strong lady. Good luck.

I reported my (now ex) husband 5 years ago for CCB and rape. The CPS did ultimately authorise charges and it went to trial last summer. He was convicted of the CCB but acquitted of the sexual offences. Yes, it does very much come down to your word against his and also dependent on the jury. I have no regrets. Sending strength.

I wish I had reported my exh.. I confronted him the day after.. He denied doing anything wrong.. I was 2 weeks pp. I took off my wedding rings. And planned my escape. Took 2 years but I left him.. He is dead now and the sense of relief was actually a physical feeling of weight lifting... Report him op. When you are telling the truth it shows.. He may not get sent down but those you tell absolutely will believe you.. That is empowering imo. Those police officers will look at him with contempt and he wil see it.

thank you @Mooselooseinmyhoose and @sixtyandfabulousofcourse I certainly don’t feel strong. I feel like a total mess with my emotions and outlook changing on a daily basis, unable to make the simplest of decisions. That’s why I was wondering about those who have already gone on this path and whether this is the right thing to do. I feel so not myself in so many ways, I kind of hope taking decisive action like this will bring me back to me in a way.

@Avalovelace you sound like an absolute force to go through all of that with no regrets. More power to you! I’ll be honest, that does instil me with dread: the idea of arguing it out is not my motivation. I want it to become ‘real’ not just something I obsess about it in my mind, in therapy, with the idva, with the social worker. For it to ‘exist’ out there. I am expecting court proceedings at some stage to be initiated re child arrangements. Due to abuse to children and to me (non mol in place) I shall assume fact finding will happen. And I have disclosed sexual coercion/rape as part of my DASH assessment. So I assume this will all come out then, and this leads me to think that I would be better off reporting it officially now to get ahead of things.

@Dolambslikemintsauce welldone for getting out and for recognising what happened to you. I’m glad things feel lighter now. I am not expecting or wanting police action at this point, I feel quite detached from my emotions about it. It’s more about trying to move forwards for me as a person. In my personal and professional life, protecting and supporting other women is one of my core values. I can’t subscribe to this if I am continuing to protect this man and potentially endanger another woman 😔

Regarding Claire’s Law:

I spoke to someone on a Scottish rape helpline about six years ago. She said if I wanted to ring back and speak to a supervisor they could pass the details to the police so that it was on record if anyone put in a request. No idea if that is an option outside Scotland, or even still now, but it might be worth asking.

If you feel you need to report it, you should. You are in control of your own decisions now. This will be part of your recovery process.

I only realised that what my ex did to me in my sleep was rape when I had my Women's Aid freedom course. It was a horrible realisation, but the help from WA really made it easier to come to terms with that and the other abuse that happened.

I want to reassure you that once you come out the other side of this, you will be fine. It can be hard work at times, but it is well worth it. 💐

Oh Hun how I feel for you 😘I can only suggest that you discus this with your therapist.

I will light a candle-prayer for you tonight lovely lady.

My darling that is rape. you were asleep & not able to consent to it. Climaxing doesn't make it right. Again talk to your therapist. x

Thank you. At least by reporting you take back a bit of control and it’s also useful for getting referrals to other agencies/counselling etc., even if it never gets to court. it wasn’t an easy process by any stretch of the imagination but him getting arrested and removed from the home meant I was able to stay in my home. His trial was postponed twice at the last minute and the whole CJS process put a lot of strain on my mental health. I still can’t believe I managed to survive the whole process with my sanity and humour intact.

That’s not consent. For it to be consent you have to be awake, not blind drunk.

I’ve had similar happen to me. Wasn’t married though. He could also be a bit brutal and rough and didn’t stop when I said no and was shaking and crying.

I never reported it and I wish I had. But I just couldn’t find the courage.

If you feel strong enough report it. But only you can make that decision. I do think you’d benefit from therapy to help you process your feelings about this.

Hugs - you’re having a fucking rough time at the moment. It will get better soon though x

@unsync thank you for the support. I will hold onto your words and hope I can get there. What you said about being in control of my own decisions really cuts to the heart of this for me - I am still ‘checking’ absolutely everything with everyone. I’m sure I’m driving my friends/family mad, and I recognise I need to try to calm down and have a bit more confidence in it.

@Toooldtorave thank you - you are right, I hear what you’re saying about me making that decision. It’s hard. Not something I will decide on lightly or maybe not even soon, but it does feel right. I’m in therapy and it’s going to be a slow one I think given how comprehensively gaslit I still present as. I will keep doing the work…

So what did hospitals doctors think happened to you. Did they try to talk to you alone at all. That extreme neglect of duty and I’d sue the hospital and doctors

Given what you're saying I'd report it. As you say it is then on the record for a future woman that comes along even if it goes nowhere. If you want the allegations recorded but not investigated (ie you don't want to go tp court over it) it may be worth telling the police that, but I guess if they feel they have enough evidence to progress an investigation they may do so anyway (I would imagine not in this scenario). If it helps I have a close friend who is a barrister that specialises in sex cases. She said only once has she had a case where she felt the jury made the wrong decision based on the evidence. So hopefully that's a bit reassuring, though obviously in some cases where there is reasonable doubt the jury will acquit even if the person did it. I'm very sorry you're experiencing this. My advice would be if you can, perhaps try to go with your brave side that wants justice - even if it fails you will know you were strong and fought him, whereas if you don't do it when you wanted to part of you will always regret that. But no one can tell you what you should do - it has to be your decision, this man has already taken enough from you, don't let him or anyone else push you into doing (or not doing) what you need to do/not do for yourself.

@ninelovelygranchildren I'm so sorry to hear this it's horrifying - surely they can't have believed you did that to yourself? Some men are just absolutely monstrous aren't they, and the system just doesn't work well enough to deter them. I agree with @Devianinc perhaps it's worth putting in an FOI to get the names of those who treated you (assuming they release them?) and records of what the staff recorded, then either sue or at least write to the hospital and tell them about these failings. Some of those staff may still be working there even though it was long ago.