Anger and Abuse

[ThisFluentBiscuit]

I've had the misfortune to be close to some really abusive people in my life. My dad was abusive, so was my sister, and surprise surprise, I married someone abusive, too.

Sometimes I look back on my life and I just marvel at the sheer amount of anger that's come my way, all my life, when I'm quite a mild-mannered person.

Is this because all these people have been abusive, or because it's a normal part of life to make people explode with anger when you don't think you've done that much, if anything, to deserve it?

Do people who have not had abusive relationships feel that they have been on the receiving end of an intense amount of anger throughout their lives, too? Or is this all the abuse? I don't have a normal feel for this, I think.

Thanks xxx

I grew up with a very angry mother but I don’t think it strayed into what I would describe as abuse.

It’s quite hard to see from your post if what you experienced is abuse or not because you don’t give examples. But generally I would tend to listen to your own instincts. And actually, it might not even matter how you categorise it, it you are being treated in a way that is unacceptable to you then that is enough

From what I can gather there are heaps of dysfunctional people in the world who can’t handle their own emotions and need to lash out at someone else when they get a build up. Some people allow themselves to be used in this capacity, the majority don’t. People from abusive backgrounds are more likely to find it normal and hang around.

I didn't give examples bc it's traumatic to do so. The incidences of abuse were illegal and not a grey area, but then there was so often this simmering anger, too...

I just wanted to know if it's normal to have spent much of your life with intense rage directed at you when you're not really doing anything except existing.

I mean, I'm not perfect, but the anger I've experienced throughout so much of my life is ten times what I've ever felt towards other people.

No, it’s not. I think the reason some people get stuck in patterns of being abused is because - like you - they think it might just be normal. They become inured to the anger in some ways.

Whereas people who haven’t been abused will often have quite a strong reaction when harsh anger is directed at them. They will either push back very strongly, so the person using the anger feels they cannot get their way by using anger, or they feel so disrespected that they immediately cease contact with the angry person.

I wasn’t suggesting that you should give examples nor was I implying these incidents weren’t abuse.

I was responding to your questions about whether the anger you have experienced is also abuse which is what I was referring to when I mentioned examples.

Thank you. Yeah, making people explode with intense rage for no (or not much) reason has always been a way of life for me. I've got away from most of those people now, but one managed to have a go today, and it triggered me. I feel like I need to just stay away from people because I seem to make people explode just by being myself.

Having got away from most of them now, for the most part, things are more peaceful than they've ever been.

You don’t make people explode with anger. Their reaction is about them, not you.

As an example, my ex used to get really aggravated by our children mucking around in the bath and would
explode with anger at them when they did it. However even though I could also feel a bit aggravated by the kids doing exactly the same thing at times, I did not explode with anger at them.

It’s not you. It’s them.

Unless you've cut yourself off from all human contact, you must know it's not you. Apart from the angry people you've distanced yourself from now, if everyone else treats you respectfully, you have to know the problem lies with the angry people - not you.
Incidentally, the person who triggered you today - how did you react to them having a go at you?

Ha. Well, there were NUMEROUS terrible things this person has done throughout our lives that I could have hit back with, and almost did, but I didn't react, and just stuck to the facts. They wanted (demanded) me to help them with something, and it wasn't in my best interests, so I said no. Cue a stream of furious texts. The person now isn't speaking to me. (It's a family member.)

In the past, I have sometimes given people real what-for in the form of a bunch of home truths, but it doesn't help. They don't change. All it does is give me more bad memories. I think the best thing to do is just stay right away from these people. But occasionally you have to deal with them, like today.

Other people do treat me respectfully, but it's the closest ones that have been the problem. Sometimes I feel that the respectful people in my life would be the same if I was as close to them.

Exploding at children mucking about in the bath...how awful.

And, thank you xxx

On the plus side, when dating now, I'm very quick to pick up on any slight negging and get out of there.

First date with future abusive exH, he said his favourite hair colour on a woman was red. I am not a red-head. Weird thing to say on a first date, I now realise.

Christmas in recent years, a family member screamed at me at the top of his voice over nothing, and I left. So that helped.

(I was staying with an older family member. A bunch of other family were coming to stay but only for one night, which meant I had to prepare beds for everyone just for that one night. I was recovering from a bug and I sighed and said aloud how annoying it was that they were coming just for one night and it was a lot of work. The older family member I was staying with lost his rag and raised the roof screaming at me that I was spoiling it. Even though they hadn't even arrived at that point. So I grabbed my bags and left.)

These examples are just examples of the anger, not the actual incidences of abuse, which would be outing.

My exH was full of rage, too - mostly at me, for not being thinner. And for not wearing skirts.

I agree. Removing yourself from people like this (and going NC if you can) is definitely the best and often least exhausting option you can take, so this particular individual now not speaking to you, I'm guessing, is no great loss for you.
I don't think the people who treat you respectfully would not do so just because you allow them to get closer to you (again, you seem to ready to take responsibility for other people's behaviour, but you can't make other people behave the way they do). I understand that "familiarity breeds contempt" in some situations, but not all - decent, kind people are generally always decent and kind. Sadly, it does seem you have more than your fair share of arse-holes in your family and I hope you're able to keep them at arm's length for your own sake.

Thank you so much.

Yes, it wasn't an ideal family life, that's for sure.