Stupid reason not to leave

[stupidreason]

My house.

Things haven't been good with DH for some time, and I'm beginning to accept it might not be recoverable.

I think there have been lots of reasons I haven't ended things; fear of regretting it later, not coping on my own, financial worries, being the only divorced one of my friends. But a big part of it is our house.

We bought at the right time and on paper it's the perfect house. I couldn't manage it on my own. And for lots of reasons, I've never quite felt totally at home here (definitely more to do with DH), but the thought of selling and another family living here fills me with absolute dread. I know that doesn't make sense.

Ideally DH would stay, but he wouldn't be able to buy me out and I'd need my share of the equity to move on. I couldn't buy him out either.

It's also the only home 4yo DS has ever known. I love the area. DS starts at the local school in September. Smaller/cheaper properties rarely come up so I'd have to move a bit further afield. Not impossible, but makes me sad.

While I have happy visions of just me and DS in a cosy 2 bed, I just really don't want this house to be lost.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for with this thread. I'm just feeling so sad today.

But the house is simply a concrete manifestation of your fear - because if you do separate and you sell the house you can’t get it back it’s final.

all of the other fears you can backtrack from this one is final

Deciding to leave is never easy. Sometimes we find ourselves thinking of reasons not to do so.

It may be that you are subconsciously using the house as a reason not to face having do do something. That is very understandable.

Deciding to leave can take many many years - but unless you try to change things (relationship counselling), then leaving is inevitable.

I thought leaving my own house and especially garden would be difficult. We had moved into it 30 years before and it was our Forever Home. We had renovated it to absolute perfection. I had made the garden from neglected to beautiful.

But eventually the break even point arrives when the misery of the marriage outweighs the reasons to stay. I suggest you haven’t reached that point yet.

My divorce is over and my ex is still in the marital home with the girlfriend he moved in a 9 months before the divorce. It does slightly piss me off, but it’s been much easier than I thought. My home is where I am, even if it’s a rental, it’s where I find the peace and freedom to be me.

I think that’s understandable and very common. It’s probably more about giving up the life you envisaged for yourself and adjusting to a completely different future than the house.

But it’s surprising how quickly people can adapt to change once it’s made. The process of divorcing and selling your house is mostly awful. But once it’s done you’ll probably find you don’t think much about your old house or who’s living there.

And if you think that you will almost certainly separate in the long-term it’s usually better for everyone including children to do it sooner. It’s quite easy to move a preschooler or reception age child.

Of course finances on divorce can be hard and if you would be left in poverty as a result that may affect your future happiness. But if it’s just not living in your dream house you’ll probably be ok.

For me to help you, what things did or do your partner do that make you have these feelings of leaving?