Hold space and see or stop messaging

[Mugofgin]

I have been messaging with a guy for the past 6 months. We dated briefly about 15 years ago, still have mutual friends but haven’t actually seen each other since then. My husband left me and our little kids for his affair partner almost 2 years ago. The guy I know his wife also cheated on him and left him a year ago. The reason we haven’t seen each other is that he has been living overseas. However his ex wife moved back here. He came back for 2 weeks how ever in January and was about a 2 hour drive away. Ages ago he had asked me out for dinner etc. Then when he was here he said he was “too busy”. They do have kids together, one lives over there with him and one over here with her. He did mention that they had done some things as a family together and also that the ex hugged him
And said that she missed being a family. I was really surprised that after all that messaging that he never saw me. Since then his messaging has decreased in frequency and a lot of the lovey dovey stuff has gone. I messaged him and said I was really confused about the situation now and that if he was going to go back that we should not be messaging or if he needed me to hold space while he was healing 🤷‍♀️ he said “sorry, things have been awkward with the kids now that they are separated and both him and his ex are struggling dealing with the kids being in different countries again and he is not being a dick to me and he will talk to me”…. How ever I do note that he didn’t say they are not getting back together or anything on them lines… I just don’t know what to think or do. Do I withdraw or proceed with caution and give him time to get things sorted and just meet his energy with the messaging but be kind to build up his self confidence and empower him not to take her back as she is quiet toxic (mutual friends and I did know her years ago so can confirm that). Phew long post, thanks 😊

Let him go. He hasn't processed his separation yet and sounds like he is in the thick of it. You deserve to be more than an emotional prop for him.

Don’t build up his self confidence or devote time and energy to provide him with an emotional service like that.

You're right that he didn’t clarify about the possibility of getting back together with his wife. He’s obviously still enmeshed and it’s only been a year - and those poor kids, separated like that. It’s awful.

He didn’t have the impetus to see you OP, so take that at face value.

Leave the ball in his court but expect nothing. If I were you I would step away completely.

I agree with pp, stay well away. His domestic situation sounds messy to say the least and he doesn't sound like he wants or is able to commit to you (and he lives overseas anyway). Don't take him on as a project at your own expense - I'm speaking from bitter experience here.

Walk Away - he’s not ready to move on and he’s using you as an unpaid therapist and a distraction

If he wanted to he would and he’d find the time.

The last person I know that was 'holding space ' for a man working out his separation, wasted a whole year doing so.

She was patient when he visited the kids in the marital home, patient when he went on holiday with his wife and kids, accompanied him to the police station to report his wife who turned up at her house and assaulted while her children watched; all kinds of bullshit and he still went back to his ex.

Move on!

Why OP? Are there no other men? Or do you not want to be with someone who truly loves you and prioritises you?

Walking away will be much less painful then being involved in this man's drama for longer.

As she left him (and for another man!) I expect he’s far from over the separation and is maybe even hoping she might take him back.

I’d be holding great caution here.

Guys/ people post divorce often have that sort of thing going. I know because I feel like I act like him to a degree.

You message with people, flirt, see what options there are, get a bit of an ego boost. You’re usually never taking them seriously or planning to meet up with them for a ‘date’.

If he was taking it seriously he’d have gone majorly out of his way to meet you. He just wants to text for a bit of fun and the fact that you wanted to meet IRL made it clear to him you want different things in relation to each other.

So definitely don’t put any effort into this.