Friendship help (I'm losing my mind)

[ELRainbow]

So recently I did something wrong to a very close friend of mine. I'm fully aware and very apologetic & remorseful, I've even went to therapy to learn, heal and just understand its all better (which I have) & myself. The situation that occurred with this close friend obviously they spoke to their close friends who is also my close friend. This other close friend is off with me understandably so as they're more loyal to the other friend, I've apologised, spoken to them and they told me they didn't want to talk to me with it being awkward at the moment. Fair enough: but then I found out they're wantin me to apologise to them as I reached out to other friends and not them (months later) I get it because I understand how that can make someone feel undervalued but I was respecting the fact they didn't want me to talk to them so was waiting for them to talk to me???, As they didn't even reply to my last two messages.. Just feels like I have to chase or just bow down because they know I did something wrong

Anyways, I decided to actually send a message reaching out apologising to them if I made them feel the way I've mentioned about, saying I understand but also explained why I didn't sooner for reassurance so they see the bigger picture to why I didn't. Then went to have a deep talk about everything because I just wish it to be all sorted… the response I got was “ I appreciate you reaching out and apologising BUT” then went to dissect my whole apology telling me I shouldn't do this and & that some parts comes across emotionally manipulative? because in part of the message I mention about how this whole situation is stressful and uncertainty is just extremely draining? As with what happened keeps being mentioned “you caused this” “you did this” like I get it, they know I get it and I'm aware. I've took accountability and apologised & I'm trying my best to show it but how can I? So why do they keep repeating it. Am I meant to just be a robot and sack off my self worth??

Please give me some advice because it did just annoy me as a friendship is two people. This person knows my past with trauma and knows me well to know I'm not that type of person at all. I'm just a very deep chatter & I say everything how it is

It’s really hard to judge because I don’t know what you did.

I think I’d leave one more message like … ‘as you know ‘I’ve reflected over the months and am truly sorry. I can’t change the past, it is what it is but I would really like us to move forward.

I think send the message as posted above. But ultimately you need to accept that they no longer want you in their lives. Without knowing what happened it’s hard to advise.

Depending on how serious what you did was you may need to make peace with what's done is done.

You may want to make up but they may not. Sometimes when you break something—innocent chatter/telling it like it is or bluntly rude and insulting?—it can’t be fixed. A smashed plate can be glued back together but perhaps, if s piece is missing, it can’t be used to eat on anymore.

Something in your apology struck your friend as self centered and not truly, sincerely, apologetic. Instead of complaining about how unkind she was to you in not accepting your apology try taking onboard her response. Maybe you can learn something important about apologies: they should not contain excuses for poor behavior. They should not dwell on how much you have suffered.

I think it depends on the severity and if the apology was an apology or an excuse.

I do find when people say they “ tell it like it is “ it usually means they are rude and callous.

So maybe she heard the apology but didn’t see the change?

Also no one says it like it is. You say it how you see it. There’s a difference.

I do think it’s good you’ve been to therapy and are working on your trauma. One of my favourite quotes is below.

It always makes me check in with myself.

My apologises never Include any excuses I do take full responsibility. I just also open up about how Im feeling after apologizing which triggered them sadly

I'm afraid your latest update makes it sound like you've made it all about you. You shouldn't have followed up your apology with how you are feeling etc as it makes the apology sound less sincere.

"I'm really sorry I slept with your husband Donna. I must say I've been incredibly hurt and upset how you and Denise have refused to speak to me for the last 3 months when I've tried so hard to apologise".

Can you see how it makes it all about you? Obviously circumstances made up as you haven't shared what you did.

I totally understand what you're saying just like to say this isn't what I did

Cut your losses and walk away. It’s just not worth beating yourself up further. 💐

It’s really hard to comment without knowing what happened and what you’ve said to your friends. But one thing that strikes me is that you think there’s some
way of apologising which will make them like you again, and there may not be. If they want you to keep your distance perhaps that is the most respectful thing you can do?