Husband does not want to move house and I do!!!

[trumpetdown]

Causing a lot of tension and arguments of late.. I'm a London city gal born and bred now living in the Kent countryside and not liking it..

It's not as friendly, open or accepting I feel.. we live in a village.. I just haven't settled..

We have a nice home, DH works from home FT as do I PT we have 2 kids, one at home one at school..

I haven't met my tribe and I don't feel I belong.. I need to get back to work and make sure I work in London!!!

Anyone feel the same??

DH intent on staying to make it work.. doesn't like London and prefers countryside- I do not.. he says our kids are much better bought up in countryside than London.. not sure I agree, depends where..

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@PashaMinaMio haha yes good idea.. I feel it goes deeper though.. we are both very different with different outlooks and views on things.. he wants to be in his own bubble while I'm unhappy and he is refusing to move at all..

What do you mean by countryside? Are you in the middle of nowhere or in a town? Can you move to a town that's commutable to London? How long have you been there for?

Op one suggestion would be to make a decision after your youngest has been at a local nursery or school for a year or two. That’s where I met all of my mum friends when I moved to a new place. I met them doing the school run and through volunteering at the school.

Another suggestion, once your youngest is older, could you commute to London a couple of days a week? Or re-train to make that happen? Then you get the best of both worlds?

London is becoming a three-day a week city anyway nowadays. So you might end up returning and still feeling isolated at home.

Also, financially, once you’ve moved out; it’s very difficulty to gather the funds to move back again and enjoy the same space and facilities that you did before.

From your update though this seems a bit more of a marital issue than a property one?

Edited : Ignore the above if I have the ages of your dc wrong. Is the one at home pre-school or post-school? Sorry if I have assumed incorrectly!

Just keep going. You never know when you will find your tribe. If you don’t feel like you are on the same path as your DH make sure you keep your life Dh proof. Keep an eye on the ducks. It might be time to move in a couple of years, then you can pick a busier spot.

This is bigger than a house move. You and your DH want different lifestyles. When you agreed to move to the countryside, what was the reasoning? I'm asking because you will need to counter it to move back.

I would list all the things you don't like about where you live and see if you can improve them without moving house. Want to spend more time in London? Start to budget for weekend trips. Want to find your tribe? Sign up for different activities, go to the pub for trivia night, whatever people do in your village to meet others (I appreciate there might not be many options and people might not be welcoming but give it a go if you haven't already). Want to work in London? Get a part-time job in the city, or one where you can WFH some of the time.

After six months of this, you will either have improved things where you are, or you can make a case to your DH that you've given it a good go and now you are asking him to do the same in London. I'd suggest a trial, where you rent a place that you could afford to buy in London and rent out your house in Kent and see whether it works for your family.

If you moved to the countryside pre-kids, it may be that life in London post-children isn't quite what you want either but at least you will know.

If you do this, I'm guessing the outcome will be that you want to stay and your DH wants to move back, but at least you can have the discussion having tried both locations. And I would be clear to him that this is his problem too. He might be happy living a quiet life and WFH full-time but you are not and if he wants you to be the one to compromise, then he needs to put in some effort on things like making friends, going to London for trips regularly etc. The same is true if you end up living in London - you'll need to recognise it's not his ideal and make some compromises that make it easier for him.

Just to say I feel you, I'm in a similar situation elsewhere in the country, I thought I could just divorce and leave but because the courts like 50/50 and dislike change it is not so easy. I wish there was a warning when you get pregnant to say be careful where you have this baby/move to from now on as you may never be allowed to return. I hope your DH is more reasonable/compromising/supportive than mine.

When I wanted to move and my husband didn't (I didn't like the house, not the area so not a massive move) in the end I said I was moving with or without him and I meant it.
We have been in our new home about 6 months and it's great!

Personally I’d just move back before the children get locked into a school.

I defo felt the same (not Kent but countryside) but 12 years later 2 in senior schools so won’t be going back soon 😢

I felt the same as you but husband refused to move back due to stamp duty and I’m still here in this bloody house / area I wish I just of gone back to London 100% . I’ve always known it was not for me. I was younger so not as assertive (he was the main earner) I was the mum with toddlers but I do regret it and I’m still here.

Make sure you do what’s right for you as I doubt he will move …..

I'm also in a similar position but in a town in East Sussex. We can't move back yet because of the DCs schooling but it has been SO much harder than I thought it would be to make friends. We partly moved for DH's job (also for more space), which he had been commuting to but then quit and now he, like me, commutes to London (though I go more than him.) I feel like we live somewhere random, by accident- and if you too both work from home maybe you feel you too are missing a valid connection to where you live now. I miss my friends and my community and London itself and it's been 3 and a half years and I don't dislike where I live but I don't love it either (or even really like it), and I loved our life in London. And it transpires I really don't care about more space.

I’m in the same boat too @wannagoome. My ex wanted to move near his family in a more remote area, we did and then a couple of years later he left! Now kids are all settled and doing 50/50 parenting, I’m stuck here with very few jobs around if I ever get made redundant or want to change jobs. Bloody exes grrr

I grew up in the countryside and when I got to my teenage years it was shit.

My daughter grew up in London and there was always plenty to do!

If you can afford it, I say, move back.

This.

I gave it two years, living in ex's choice of home, in the Midlands. I hated it but ex refused to budge. I ended up on ADs and in the end me and DS left. If I'd stayed I'd have been drunk or dead by now.

You want different life styles. If you cannot find a compromise, your relationship will end.

If DH (London born and bred, but I've never lived in a city) announced we had to move to London, it would be divorce papers time. Somewhere bigger than now (small town), fine, but there is no way I could live in London. It's so big, and dirty, and busy imo.
I think you need a compromise. Town commutable to London? Bigger than current place, but without the big city vibe. Gives you both some of what you are after?

You are in Kent FFS! Not Outer Mongolia, you can still work in London if you wanted to. I am London born and bred but live in Europe now and pop over whenever I can.

You think your H is being unreasonable but you do not appear to recognise the impact that your desire to move back to London will have on three other people. Could you afford to live in London? And what sacrifices will everyone have to make so that you are happy? Get a job in London and commute.

When did you leave London? Would it be the same anyway if you moved back now? I was less bothered by living in centralish London once we had DC, as we made less use of it in terms of visiting restaurants, museums etc.

Can you start factoring a London 'fix' into your life? Commute for a job? Visit at weekends? Meet up with friends for an evening after work? Can you also look for opportunities near you but outside your village based on your interests? It might not be quite your tribe, but you might find something that works. There will be thousands of ex-Londoners in Kent of you can find some that you get on with!

It's tough living somewhere you aren't happy, and compromise can be tricky. Given that you are already living there, moving will be costly and disruptive so I can see your DH's reluctance.

I know it's not the main issue, but could you change your job to not wfh? It sounds like you and your husband are both at home all the time, whereas if you went outside your house to work, you'd meet new people.

Change is needed - this place and the people drive me bonkers.. I find London ppl friendlier.. I suppose it wouldn't be zone 1/2 but further out.. it would mean downsizing but dear husband is saying the schools in London are not great and he doesn't want son growing up there. He is firm on this, so yes it's now a problem.

Someone asked what you mean by living in the country. Are you in a town or really rural?

I think you may be romanticising London a bit. Maybe put some more effort into meeting some people. Are you friendly with any of your DC friends parents? I found the school gate a great way to meet people.

Its hard as the person who wants to move has to prove the effort is worth it other than "I personally would be happier but that could make you miserable"

For your dh, other than you would love it, he would have to live in a smaller house and your kids not go to as nice school? Where is the benefits for him other than a happier wife, but sacrificing his own happiness?

I think you both need to come up with alternative areas (not London or where you are now) that you would each consider and look at pros and cons of those areas and see if you can come up with one that makes you both happy.

I grew up in the countryside and didn't really enjoy it, and went to uni in a city which I love and still live nearby but the schools are rammed and the city is so expensive to live in. Living in a town with good commuting is perfect for me.

When you say move back to London, London is so big now. Do you have an idea as to where you actually would want to live and also what you could afford? Have you researched schools and public transport? How much would you be prepared to downsize and what if, the place you moved to didn't feel as friendly as you remember where you grew up?

And if your husband is hell bent on staying, could he support you to make changes to make you happier?

Could you work in London and commute with his support?
You get a job outside of the home and make more connections in the local area and beyond?

You say you haven't found your tribe...are you lonely and want to meet people and have more things "for you?"

I'm not saying he should get the monopoly on where you live, but moving is a big change and I dont think you should get to ultimately decide where the family lives either.... ideally a compromise where you both pick is best but if you can't come to that, there isn't many options left? Other than you move alone? Or you move with the kids but he would have to agree to that?

Hmm, I would take a day and go to visit some of the residential areas in London where you might actually end up living.

I lived in London as an adult for seventeen years, then moved out and commuted for a further nine years.

I think the London factor can sometimes dazzle you so much that even fairly average places start to look much better than they are in reality. A few plane trees and it’s ‘leafy’. A couple of cafes and a knick-knack store open up on the high-street and it’s ‘desirable’.

A few years after we moved we happened to visit the area in London where we’d had our first home - an area of London that is seen as desirable and often recommended for being family-friendly. I had loved living there and thought that the high street was wonderful at the time, but going back it just looked rather non-descript and even a bit grotty in parts. Litter and other pavement hazards have definitely got worse in London. A house on our road now goes for £830k.

What about the advantages of living where you do now? Space, quiet, off-street parking? Schools? Access to the countryside?

I would also consider taking a part-time job in London. I found that a perfect balance and would happily go back to that if I could.